And We're Off...

So, its official, I've bought my first real Christmas present. I bought my brother the blue camoflague bedset he wanted. It was on Target.com and right now they have a ton of the bedding stuff being sent with free shipping and then there's also like a 10% off promo going on now online. The free shipping ends Friday, well today actually so i figured what the hell, what better time to buy it then right now? So i bought it using my, what else credit card, not to worry i am constantly adding up how much i owe and checking my account on the website so I'm good. Anyway it was exciting to buy it.

I also saw at the actual Target store today this bed tent thing that looked wicked awesome. It like zips over a twin bed and is like a mesh material but is rounded over the bed like a well, tent. It looks so freakin' cool and its only 20 bucks so i want to get that as well. Also he has decided that his big present that he wants this year is a Nintendo DS Lite so I'm excited i love buying the big stuff like that. It looks pretty cool too. I'm obvioulsy going to wait till closer to like the day after Thanksgiving otherwise known as Black Friday, to purchase that on the hopes that there will be sales for the DS and bundles and stuff. But right now at Cicuit city or Best Buy the game Nintendogs is on sale for 20 bucks and it looks so cool. I think I may get that for him now.

I am so late with my Christmas shopping, last year i had Christmas presents that i was buying in July. I'm ready to get this shopping show on the road though. I love Christmas, it makes me so happy to buy gifts for people or makes things for people and know that they are going to like it. I love the songs, the food, the lights, the decorations, just everything about it, and having a young child in the house makes it all the better. Oh lol also on the Mindware website they have a Venus Flytrap growing kit, that comes with seeds to grow several carnivorous plants that i wanted to get last year but failed to do so, this year i will definitely be getting that.

Moving on, the trip to Carlsbad Caverns was as i expected, which is to say there was a big argument, lots of silence, then sleeping, then getting there and acting like it never happened and then walking for freaking ever and eating at some nasty place and coming home. My mom and dad got into an argument literally 2 minutes away from the house. So for the rest of the two hours they either didnt talk, barely talked or my mom slept. It was fun all around. My brother slept the whole way pretty much and tried to stay awake with my dad but i had stayed up the whole night so i was too damn tired to stay up for long. Plus when we actually got there and started walking I felt awful, like my cough came back full force and it made me feel so icky i wanted to cry. But i got through it and some of the stuff was beautiful and so awe-inspiring, plus my brother thought it was pretty cool and that was what mattered. Then we had to eat at Furrs on the way back, i despise Furrs almost more than any other restaurant because i dont eat most of the stuff they serve but i got through that as well.

Anyway my sister did take William to the vet. The vet didnt get to my sister and William in time that day but we did get the voucher for the free visit. Anyway she did find out one important thing, even though she didnt get to do the appointment my sister asked one of the technicians if they could please at least tell us if he was a boy or a girl and...He's a BOY!!! Thank God. Anyway we took him to the vet this past Monday which is when his free exam was scheduled for (after my jury duty bust which was such a horrible waste of time) and found out some good and some really bad. William is a healthy, sweet Tabby cat. He's about 2 years old and weighs 9.8 pounds. But there was something scary, he only has one testicle, the other one hasn't dropped and the vet (whom i loved by the way she was so awesome and made me want to be a vet like i did when i was a teenager) said this puts him at an increased risk for testicular cancer but if we get him neutered (which he is not) that will take care of that problem.

The procedure is extremely expensive for us anyway but we will do it, we will get the shots and tests he needs first and then we will take William to that same vet and have them do the procedure which is expensive because of William's unique circumstances, meaning they have to make two separate incisions and various other things, but we will get it done. He is the sweetest thing in the world. I love him so much.

Anyway i suppose that's all for now, I missed writing, its become very cathartic for me. I've been watching a lot of early Buffy, like Season 1, 2, 3 and the first few eps of 4 but now i feel like watching "Once More With Feeling" so i think i shall do that.

"She thinks I can't see the smile thats she's faking
And poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
Gray sweatpants
No makeup
So perfect" "Comfortable" by the master John Mayer

Night.

Are we freakin there yet?

So, i have pretty much decided that i will not go to sleep tonight because we are supposed to be getting up at 6 a.m. (a fucking ungodly hour) to drive to Carlsbad Caverns in Carlsbad, New Mexico. My mom has a free day tomorrow and she says its the last one of this year for her, so she wanted to do something with it. Originally she and my brother were going to go to Austin to visit my aunt and uncle and our cousins but then she couldnt get another day off so she has decided to turn it into a day trip. Its just gonna be me, my brother, my dad and my mom, because my sister has gotten her job and now has to work tomorrow from 9 to 4.

I hate that i have to be gone because tomorrow is also the day that the pet hospital is doing free welness exams for cats and dogs from 1 to 5 p.m. which i think is awesome because I so want to take William and i so dont have a lot of money. But since i wont be here and my sister has to work till 4 its become a huge ordeal. Now, she has to have a friend of hers come to the house and get William and take him to her at 4 when she gets out of work so she doesnt have to travel all the way home and then all the way back. Then she has to go out there and ask all the questions i have written down and want to ask myself.

It sucks but at least he'll get to go. Plus, they said that if you're there and they dont see your pet before its over at 5 they will give you a voucher for another time. My dad bought William a cool, sporty black and red pet carrier, made for a dog i think, but it works all the same and its great. So she'll be able to put William in it and cart him around. Plus we gave him a bath about 2 nights ago, it was the most adorable thing i have seen in a long time. He didnt want to get in and meowed really loudly, like howling almost, the word keening comes to mind. Anyway we got him in and started first just pouring water over him and then finally washing him with soap and then rinsing him off. He was actually pretty good, he calmed down a little and let us finish and then looked severely pissed off and really pathetically cute for pretty much the rest of the night.

The one thing I'm really worried about tomorrow with William going to the vet is finding out if he's a boy for 100% sure. I mean i was pretty sure he was, but he's just gotten so fat and really sensitve i so hope he isnt really a she called Willow that's pregnant with babies. Because one boy cat yes we can handle him and he has basically no desire to go outside, but a girl with babies is not gonna work for us, we're not even supposed to have a pet at all, they don't even want us to have fucking goldfish, what the fuck is that all about? I mean what the hell is a fish gonna do? I mean they do that stuff to lorde their power over the lesser beings and say you rent your home, so we get to make the shitty, mundane rules and stick our thumbs up our asses. Anyway a girl with babies would be trouble, as much as i would love to keep a mommy and her babies and take care of them all it just isnt possible, so im wishing a really lot hard that he's a he and thats that.

Finally went back to work tonight after having the entire week off, which was nice because not only did i not feel well, but i honestly just needed a break from all of them. I love them but its still a job and sometimes they just get to be too much for me. Made pretty good money tonight, but the week off does bite in that respect, that being that i have zilcho money.

Ah yes, speaking of not having any money i did indeed buy the James Marsters c.d. lol. I used my credit card lol. But i have been keeping careful track of how much I've spent and exactly how much i owe so im alright. Plus, i had to buy the c.d., i've been wanting it and it was cheaper than it would be if i had bought it from the American store, so I'm very excited and don't regret it in the least.

I'm very excited about buying Christmas presents, i need to start soon, i think I'll buy my brother's bed in a bag thing he wants. I found it on the Target website, its only available online and its blue camo complete with everything, i showed it to him and he thought it was great. He definitely needs it, he's been using that damn ugly Yugioh comforter for a while and he doesnt even like Yugioh anymore lol, poor baby. Then i want to get him the Venus flytrap growing kit from Mindware online, its so awesome, its 25 bucks but comes with seeds for all kinds of carniverous plants, i wanted to get it for him last year, but waited too long and then when i was ready to get it they were all sold out. I'll get that very soon and the comforter because its only 60 and its free shipping. Plus, he wants a Nintendo D.S. and a Mario game, all i can say is thank God i got a credit card in time. I kind of wish we had enough money to get the Playstation 3 this year but that will be for another time when we've saved up money.

Speaking of saving money, i cashed in my change today that i've been saving for my iPod, and i had saved up 50 dollars in change!!! Plus i had 10 dollars in cash in there. Thats so awesome. Of course i had no money so i used $26.50 and now owe that back to my iPod fund, but i will pay it back soon and save up to buy that damn iPod, i want it so bad i can feel it in my hands, i can see the different episodes of Buffy I'll buy on the color screen, ok stop talking start saving.

Well my fingers are tired of typing so i will stop for now. I'm actually a bit excited about going to Carlsbad Caverns since its been years since I've been and my brother has never been. Wish me luck, or like Buffy says, monsters!

"and now we're
sleeping with the television and all the lights on
one of us is leaving soon but we're both already gone
stuck at the lost at found, watch things disappear
looking for the missing piece but it was never here" "Lost and Found" by Adrienne Pierce

Night.

I want Kitty Bobo...

So, today for some reason i started thinking about Kitty Bobo again. This was a short little cartoon my brother and I saw years ago on Cartoon Network about this cat named Kitty Bobo and in this story he wanted a cell phone and got one and then proceeded to act like an ass, annoying his friends with his constant, "let me call you on my cell phone" and then he wrecked his phone and didn't have it anymore but then all his friends had cell phones and he was left out. It was so adorable and hilariously funky, we loved it. We have remembered it ever since then and sometimes out of the blue we'll say "yeah, on my cell phone" all funky like Kitty Bobo did. I was thinking about him today and wishing i could watch that cartoon again, if there was somewhere i could download that cartoon, legally of course, i would be all over it.

Anyway stayed home from work again today because i didnt quite feel up to going to work yet, still kinda icky feeling, i may not go to work tomorrow either, i know I'll regret it when i dont have any money but damn the last place i want to be when i dont feel good is work, ya know?

Anyway today i went with my mom, who was also off and we went to the Gap to look at the (RED) stuff, and as expected our Gap store was pitifully lacking in cool (RED) merchandise and promotions. But we were told they will get more stuff in Thursday, Friday or Monday. So who knows, but we also talked about maybe just ordering stuff online, cause i get emails from them about free shipping on orders over 75 bucks so i dont know, all i know is we want those shirts. But from the Gap i got a denim jacket that was originally 68 bucks for 19.99!! I love that, you just cant beat that, and i had been looking for a denim jacket for a long while so that was great, plus my mom bought it for me. Well, technically i bought it for now with my credit card but she wanted to buy it for me so she's gonna give me cash for it in a couple of days so that rocks.

Right now on the James Marsters Live website, which is like the U.K. site for James, they are having a Christmas sale and have reduced the prices on James' c.d. and DVD to 7.50 pounds. I dont know the exact exchange rate for pounds to American dollars but i found a website that converted it for me and with my shipping fee its gonna be like 19 some odd dollars. I guess its a lot but it does ship from the U.K. i think plus if i order it from the American site its 20 dollars and 5.50 for shipping so it's more expensive that way. I'll be buying that c.d. soon "with my credit card" lol.

I love having a credit card but its very very easy to see how people can get into such deep debt and just sometimes not even know how it happened so fast. Its just so easy knowing that you can have it right then, right that very minute and not have to pay a penny then. It's instant gratification and as an American i of course love that. But i am being careful about making sure i'm putting the money i owe on my Visa away so that when my bill comes i can pay it in full and not accrue interest charges. Plus i love having a credit card because Christmas is coming up and that's gonna be really cool to have that to fall back on if i dont have enough cash to get something i want for someone at the moment i see it.

And speaking of that, there is a bed set i want to get my brother for Christmas from Target but its only online, its a light sand color camo bed in a bag type thing he really loves it and that'll be cool to get him, plus there's a book i want to order him from off of Amazon, and a Venus flytrap set from this site called Mindware, so its a really good thing i have the credit card so i can order the stuff and have time to put up the money and still get it. I suppose that's all for now, I'm just debating in my head about whether or not i want to go ahead and order the James Marsters c.d. right now or not.

And you said
"This is the first day of my life
Glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy" "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes

Night.

Tears stream down your face...

So, here's the thing, my grandfather, my dad's dad is very very sick. He has cancer in his liver, cancer in his lungs and all kinds of other ailments. We just found out about this very recently. My family is very lonerish, and by family i mean me, my sister, my brother and my parents. We don't really visit and stay in constant communication with very many of our extended family because to be honest, we really don't like very many of them.

I know that sounds awful but I'm sure you know what i mean, sometimes you just can't believe you're a part of that right? Anyway, so we don't always know whats going on, we're not always in the loop on everything. So the other day my aunt, well my great aunt, but thats just being technical, who is like one of the very few people on my mother's side that we regularly communicate with and visit, was here in town to visit my great uncle because he was in the hospital as well. I'm not sure what he was in the hospital for but i dont think it was anything super severe, anyway my mom went up there with my aunt one time to see him, but mostly to keep my aunt company, and when she was leaving, she saw one of my aunts, another great aunt, from my dad's side there as well.

My mom told me later when she told me that this aunt said she had been trying to call us for a day, but she only has our house phone, we don't use our house phone, we all use our cells now, but anyway so she hadn't been able to get ahold of my dad to tell him what was wrong. So my mom told my dad and after work he went to see him. That's when he told us afterwards that our grandpa had cancer in his liver (they didnt yet know about the cancer in his lungs) and other ailments. So the next day my dad and my uncle (my dad's brother) went and saw him and then later my uncle came over to bring my sister that damn graphing calculator, and my uncle got a call while he was there. It was one of my aunts a great aunt or one of my regular aunts (my dad's sisters) i do not know, but they told my uncle about the cancer in his lungs and i could see my dad kind of tear up.

It was so weird because literally one minute before that we had all been laughing and talking and then bam! silence and sadness. That night they thought that the cancer would be able to be treated and workable. But today when my dad was talking to us about my grandpa (who btw is really my dad's stepdad, but his real dad was an asshole i think and never really a big or good part of their life, and i never knew him at all, i have always thought of this man as my true grandfather) he told us that the doctors told them the cancer had spread too much and wasnt really going to be able to treated too much (i guess he found this out that morning from my uncle or something), there just wasnt much they could do anymore and the prognosis was like 6 months to a year. When he said this he visibly choked up a little bit.

Anyway he was going to visit him later and me and my brother had to take my sister to the airport for her journalism trip and take my mom to work and then he and i were going to go run some errands so we werent there when he got back. But when we got home he was there and he looked so sad. But i suck at this kind of stuff, i want to ask him whats going on and find out what's going to happen but im not good at doing this, so i just didnt ask. After about an hour, in which we talked about the Tech game (shameful) and the booksale i had to go get my mom. On the way there i was so sad for my dad. I put on my John Mayer c.d. "Continuum" maybe his best yet. Anyway i put it on track 5 "Heart of Life" and i started to cry, like bigtime cry. Here are the lyrics:

THE HEART OF LIFE
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it’s nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it’s good

God, those are so simple, yet absolutely some of the most beautiful lyrics i have ever heard. The first time i heard this song i cried because it made me think of my sister. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, whom she cared deeply for, and she was really sad about it and these lyrics perfectly conveyed everything that i wanted to say to her but couldn't.

Then today when i was in the car i put it on and damn, i couldn't stop crying, the lyrics are everything i wish i could say to my dad as well, but can't. It's just so beautiful and heartbreaking. And you know what i feel the worst about? It's that what I'm most sad about is that my dad is sad, not that my grandpa is sick. That sounds so awful but its true. Like i said, we dont really see any of them very often, its probably been years since we saw them last, and don't get me wrong, i am sad for him, there was a time when we used to see him a lot and there was this thing we used to do where he and i would hug and i would squeeze him as hard as i could, we used to laugh about it all the time.

I love him and the really sad thing is that he is our last living grandparent. All of my other grandparents have passed away, he's the last link of that kind for my siblings and I and that is a tremendous loss and of great sadness for me. But what makes me saddest is that my dad is sad and hurting, that hurts me and makes me even sadder than the situation my grandpa is in. So back to the John Mayer c.d. I then put it on song 7 which is "Stop This Train" and cried even harder. Here are the lyrics:

STOP THIS TRAIN
No I’m not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can’t sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

Don’t know how else to say it
I don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight”
“You’ll renegotiate”
“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly, we’ll never stop this train”

Once in a while, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed its moving in
I know I can’t
Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train

Damn, i think that might be my most favoritest song from him ever, even beating out "Why Georgia" which had previously held that spot. Anyway I had loved this song from the moment i heard it and cried immediately the first time i heard this one as well. It describes me so well. It says everything that i think about and don't know if other people think about or worry about.

And i cried in the car when i heard it today on the way to get my mom because it made me think of my parents and my dad and his dad. The line "don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go" always gets me and this time especially it just rang so true. I feel so awful for my dad right now and I dont want to ever have to feel like this myself, the way my dad feels right now, and i know someday i will and that feeling is suffocating and scary and it hurts me to think about it all. I wish there was something i could say to my dad to let him know that i am always here for him, that i can't possibly understand what he's going through but that i feel so tremendously for him and wish there was a way to make that pain and hurting stop, but i dont know what to say or how to say it, so i say nothing and feel bad.

Maybe i can burn him the c.d. and tell him 5 and 7 are my favorites make sure you listen to them and he'll get the message i'm trying to send to him. Sometime I'll have to post more about "Stop This Train" because i feel like there is more i can say about that song, pertaining more to me, and therefore not really fitting in with this post, but i just had to mention them. Sometimes life really sucks, but as John Mayer says,

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

Night.

It's so inspi(RED), plus if it's good enough for Oprah...

So, the other day, well Friday to be exact we saw the launch of the PRODUCT (RED) stuff on Oprah. By we I mean my mom, sister and me, but i suppose that a whole bunch of America saw it as well, so either way. Anyway, this was amazing. I was just so in awe of the whole thing. I mean, it really is ingenious. Americans are gonna buy things, we love to spend money, so now we can spend money and help give medicine to people in Africa who truly need our help. I love it and it makes me feel like i can do something to help, even if that something is only going to the Gap and buying some (RED) shirt or something.

Its just too cool, plus i think on the (RED) website, or maybe it was the (RED) page for the Gap, it said that 50% of what you pay for the shirt goes back to help buy meds and whatever else they're using the money for. I just am so in love with this concept. Plus, they (Bono and whomever else came up with this idea and the subsequent designs and brands used in this campaign) just came up with the snazziest idea ever with the whole (RED) thing. On the (RED) blog page there was one post where one of the updaters asked people what their (RED) word was and people listed a whole bunch of red words to describe themselves. I'm pretty sure that the only things I'll be able to afford or need are the GAP products and the Converse products which, subsequently are being sold at GAP i believe, but still I can feel like I'm helping out in some small way.

Can you imagine how incredibly powerful and likable you have to be to create this much frenzy and adoration about a campaign that really is quite simple? I mean Bono and whomever else created this and Oprah all just basically said, this stuff is good and its for a good cause, i love it and I'm buying a ton of it, you should too and what do we do? We buy a ton of it. To have that much power must be a pretty fascinating feeling. And God, to be Oprah and go into the Apple store and say I want 10 of these (RED) iPod Nanos or the Motorola store and buy ten (RED) phones its just pretty neat. See, lol, materialistic American that i am, i was fascinated by the way she was able to buy all of that stuff, the creators of (RED) are really smart, we love to buy and we like to feel good, this lets us do both.

It certainly makes me feel like i should be doing more in my life to help others in this world who are far less fortunate than i am. It also makes me feel guilty for complaining about the mundane shit i complain about, because i have it so good compared to others in this world. Thinking about the little babies in Africa, the boys my brother's age, the mothers trying to raise their beautiful daughters to be strong, the fathers trying to take care of their families and having to live with all kinds of rampant diseases least of all AIDS, it makes all this shit we deal with and complain about all the time here in America, the political back and forth, the nitpicking, the lying, the get ahead and get more more more, the 24 hour Paris Hilton watch, seem like pointless, naive, toxic wastes of our lives and the ability we have as a powerful nation and as powerful individuals. I hope this (RED) movement is super successful and that it opens some eyes and saves some lives.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

MY SISTER DRIVES ME INSANE. I CANNOT STAND HER SOMETIMES, IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

Brazilian Street Justice...

So, i feel like complete and total crap right now. I have no idea whats wrong with me, i just know that i seriously don't feel good. I have a little bit of a fever, my body is all achy, my throat hurts, my head hurts something fierce and I'm actually tired. Me, who prides herself on not going to bed before 2 a.m. most nights is tired at 12:40 a.m. That's ridiculous and a sure sign of my not feeling well. And it sucked today because i didnt feel well but i had to go to work and all day today was just playing outside, running back and forth being the thief/meerkat/sister/baby and i just wanted to lie down and cry and go home.

But i got through it so I was glad for that. Hopefully I'll feel better by tomorrow afternoon before i go to work, tomorrow i get paid so i definitely don't want to have to call in sick lol. My sister and brother also didn't really feel very well, and my employer and one of the kids didn't feel well either, all of us with pretty much the same symptoms so who knows what it is.

I chose the title for this post because i heard that little snippet of dialouge on a show me, my dad and sister were watching just a little while ago. It was some cheesy thing on Court TV called "Most Shocking" and it was like all these people robbing stores and attacking police officers, i hate watching that stuff but it was all that was on. Anyway, there was one thing they showed from somewhere in Brazil and this guy had been terrorizing cabdrivers and mugging and beating them. Well this big group of vigilante guys went and found him hiding in this building and pulled him out of his hiding spot and proceeded to beat the living shit out of him. It was very violent, with these guys landing good, solid kicks right to this guys face and body and punching him in the head. Anyway the voice over guys says something like, "he emerges from the building to meet police, he is badly beaten but still conscious. He has gotten a little taste of Brazilian Street Justice. My sister and i were laughing at that, it just sounded so hilarious and ridiculous.

Also, William was downstairs with us and he followed my dad into the kitchen at one point, sat in front of the fridge and began meowing very loudly. My dad cut off a little piece of a weenie (thats a hilarious word) and put it on William's little bowl. William bent down to sniff it, arched his back, puffed his tail and swacked that little butt of the weenie halfway across the kitchen!!! It was hilarious (god talk about over-use of a word today) and then to make it even better William kept at it, attacking the weenie and swacking it across the entire living room and hiding behind a chair or the entertainment system and then pouncing on the poor, defenseless weenie! It was great. He's such a doll.

Well, I suppose i better get going, perhaps I'll fall asleep and feel better when i wake up in the morning, but the thought of going to bed now still makes me mad so maybe I'll put in "Restless" from Season 4 maybe with the commentary because i love Joss's voice, or maybe I'll just watch the episode.

"Remember the time we made love in the roses
and you took my picture in all sorts of poses?
How could I ever get over you, when I'd give my life for yours,
I know we are...we are the lucky ones..." "Lucky" by Bif Naked
(also from Season 4 of Buffy "Harsh Light of Day"

Night.

Wish me monsters...

So, I just made my first post over at Whedonesque tonight. I finally became a member of that website, which I view as the elite Joss Whedon/Buffyverse site on the web, a few months ago and had just been too intimidated to post anything, everyone there is so well spoken and intelligent and I’m just like "yes, I like Spike, he's pretty" (ha that reminds me of Buffybot's line from "Intervention" when everyone's asking her what she thinks they should do, she says "I fight with weapons" I freakin love that.

Anyway there was a front page post about a new community starting at Livejournal called "Dear Joss" I believe and it's a community to post a letter to Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series, Firefly, Serenity, and scads of other projects that are just greatness, and tell him how much you appreciate what he's done or how he and the shows he created have affected your life. Well on the Whedonesque thread, people started posting their letters to Joss, so to speak, and I knew I had to break the ice and make my first post.

I am in love with Joss Whedon. I know of no man greater than him, except James Marsters and John Mayer, but each man is greatness in their respective field. So I typed my letter to Joss and of course did it first on Microsoft Word so I could be sure to spell check and space everything out the way I wanted to. And I couldn’t believe how much I had to say. I truly believe and know that Joss has changed my life. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is such an integral part of my life now that I know that someday when I get married it will have to be to a man who loves BtVS as much as I do, if he doesn't it might very well be a deal breaker that's how ingrained on me this show is. And reading other people's posts on Whedonesque gave me the knowledge that I am certainly not alone in that feeling and that’s a good thing, because I think I have far surpassed anyone I know personally in my obsessive love for the show and Joss.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer crept into my heart when I was least expecting it, and made itself a big cozy bed in there, and its not leaving, not that I would let it if it tried. The day I bought my Chosen Collection was one of the happiest days of my life, words cannot express the feelings I had coursing through me on that day at Best Buy. I will forever be indebted to the friends who introduced me to Buffy; they have given me a love for something that will never go away. My children will see this show and Angel as well, someday and they will (hopefully) love it like I do. So again I say thank you Joss Whedon, I bow down to thee in supplication and awe, you are a God among men.

So, yes in other "news" today was my hard day. Tuesdays suck big time, especially today because instead of being at work at 9:30 a.m. like I had been doing, she asked me to start coming in at 9:15 a.m., which 15 minutes I know isn't big at all in the grand scheme of things, but 15 minutes does make a pretty big difference in my morning routine. Besides what pisses me off the most about being there earlier now is the fact that she's not even there when I get there. I was there a good 10 or 15 minutes before she even got there, so I ask you, what’s the damn point of that? It's nothing but a power play, that's all it is.

My sister dropped off her application to work at a crafts store for the Christmas holiday and she's really excited, but I’m not because it means I’ll have to be driving her ass to and from work, but it is good because it means more money between the two of us when we start buying Christmas presents and that should be any day now. I cannot believe that it is already almost Halloween; this year has gone by so fast. This is usually when we, my sister and I, start buying gifts for everyone, because I have the philosophy that its better to start spending now and spread out some of the cost rather than try to cram it all into one month give or take. I love buying Christmas presents for people and so I am getting really excited about that.

Also, today we went to PetsMart, which was just right next door and looked around at stuff. We looked at the lizards, which was cool because before they didn’t have lizards at PetsMart, only reptile supplies, and decided we really really want another lizard. We miss Lenny, our Cuban Anole, the coolest, most beautiful reptile I had ever seen. Anyway we also looked at the kitty stuff because I wanted to get William a new litter box, one with a hood, and we need a cat carrier and stuff. We ended up only getting him some cat treats, some special kind of milk made especially for cats, and some packets of wet food.

Then we went to Target and I got a price adjustment on the pretty red sweater I bought a few days ago, and bought a gray long sleeve t-shirt, and also got the hooded litter box from there because it was a bit cheaper.

When we got home, my sister and I set up the litter box, there's a hood and in the hood part is something like a pet door that swings in and out so the cat can get in and out, but so that it traps the litter and odor in there, but when we tried to get William to go in there he freaked out and ran under my sister's bed. So we took the damn hood off for now but we will eventually get William to go in there with the hood on, so wish me luck.

We had spaghetti for dinner tonight, my favorite food and we got to watch the new episode of Veronica Mars, which was a pretty good one I thought, and it had a lot of funny moments in it.

Then I came upstairs and while my sister was on the computer I watched 4, count em, 4 episodes of Buffy. I have been wanting to watch "The Freshman" the season premiere of Season 4 so I watched that one and then I watched "Living Conditions" which is the one right after that one. Then from Season 5 I watched "Checkpoint" and "Intervention" two of my very favorite episodes ever. I was debating on whether or not to watch "Crush" also from Season 5 but decided I could not bear to see Spike hurt the way he is at the end, right now. And now it’s very late and my kitty and I are off to bed, or at least an attempt to go to bed.

"And I fall down on what to say
oh something clean, let me be clever
Hey oh well, whatever
But that's not what I mean..." "Blinded" by Third Eye Blind

Night.

The quarterback is like the most important member of the team. He is like the rudder that guides the ship...

So, ok today was yet again, realtively normal, i.e. boring, which i suppose i should be thankful for in some ways. Anyway the title of my post is from the Season 7 episode of BtVS called "Him". Dawn says this when she's making a complete fool out of herself while trying to talk to R.J. the quarterback for the Sunnydale High Razorbacks. I chose it because twice this weekend, while watching my two football teams i was let down by the quarterbacks.

First was Texas Tech; they played Missouri this past Saturday, a team which remains unbeaten after our meeting with them this weekend. Now i don't know very much about football, but i know enough to get by and not be lost when i watch and i know enough to thoroughly enjoy football. Anyway Tech's quarterback is Graham Harrell and according to most is completely awesome. He seems that way most of the time too. My dad was so excited about Harrell getting the starting quarterback position at Tech and before that he was excited about Harrell even coming to Tech. I love watching Tech play, there aren't very many college football teams i can watch and not get bored. Tech i love to watch because theirs is very much a passing game, which for me makes for exciting football.

Anyway this Saturday we (and by we I mean Tech, but i am a fan and so i say we) started off shaky and it did not look good. Of course now that i'm trying to post about it i cant remember the exact sequence of events that unfolded, but i do rememeber that it seemed our offensive line wasn't blocking very well and Harrell wasn't doing so hot either. I rememeber that towards the end of the second quarter he threw two, interceptions in a row and there was much screaming and yelling in our house between my dad and I. Then, they brought in our backup quarterback Chris Todd (i dont know if thats how you spell his last name or not, sorry), and the whole stadium, (this was a home game, and homecoming no less), erupted in cheers. They always like the player that hasnt played, that's what one of the commentators said and i agreed and felt really badly for Harrell. Todd came on the field and threw a couple of complete passes and then before the second quarter was even over, Harrell had come back on the field and was seemingly restored. We scored a touchdown and a fieldgoal i believe and our defense was holding Missouri's offense and not allowing them to score.

So after halftime, it seemed that Tech had all the momentum and would carry that with them and go on to score more and get a strong hold on the game and increased confidence that would prevent Missouri from pummeling and embarrassing us any more. However, that was not to be. It seemed for a while that we had indeed carried that momentum with us into the second half but that was an illusion. We soon after the second half began, started making the same mistakes and mental errors again that had plauged us in the first half. Harrell did not look impressive at all and for a university nationally known for its huge passing numbers on the field, Harrell's numbers were pretty dim. I was so disappointed becasue it seems like we could do so much better than that.

Anyway today i was let down yet again by the quarterback from the Cowboys, my other team. Today was the much hyped, much anticipated game between the Cowboys and the Eagles, much anticipated because Terrel Owens was going to be playing his first game there since being fired by the Eagles last year and signing with the Cowboys. My dad and I were more concerned with the game because it was a division game and it would have been great for us to win it. But of course the media wants to turn everything into a media circus and incite anger and use soundbytes to make people say what they want them to be saying so it looks dramatic. I hate that.

Anyway, it started off promising with the Eagles fumbling on their kickoff return and us recovering it. However, we failed to capitalize on that, (I am again forgetting the exact sequence of events as they unfolded but the gist of my rant is relavant all the same) and soon after that the Eagles began to pound on us. Now I'll admit that it wasn't just Drew Bledsoe that fucked up so royally, T.O. dropped a couple of balls he should have caught, a few players missed key tackles, Jason Witten didn't run the route correctly that allowed the ball to be picked off at the very end of the game, this was the touchdown that would have sent us into overtime, Roy Williams made two big blunders, missing an interception he should have had and allowing his man to run right past him and make a huge reception that almost resulted in a touchdown and i believe did end in a touchdown in the next play, Matt McBriar allowed the snap for his first punt to slip right out of his hands and that was disastrous, but the large majority of the blame i place on the offensive line, which sucked hard and long today, and Drew Bledsoe, the rudder that guides the ship.

Our offensive line played like a pee wee football offensive line today, allowing i think like 7 sacks, which is a statistic you expect to see with the Houston Texans, not the Dallas Cowboys, and they just allowed player after player to get in there in Bledsoe's face and hurry him and cause him to throw the ball away a few times. However, more often that that, Bledsoe simply stayed in the pocket, held onto the ball, rather than throw it away or try for a receiver, and took the sack and the punishing hit. He threw 3 interceptions i think, on throws that kind of floated and allowed the defense ample time to get in there and get it, or else on he threw it and it was like, "oh my god, where the hell was he throwing that besides to an Eagle?". This loss sucked because we honestly had a chance to win it, we stayed in it for so long, even leading by a few going into halftime, we just failed to capitalize on the opportunities we were given and that killed us.

I hate the weekends when Tech loses and the Cowboys lose, and of course today was a little cold (for me anyway) and rainy and gray, so that made it all the worse. Other than that, like i said, today was normal and uneventful. My sister went to go spend the night at a friends house, my dad washed my car despite the grayness outside and he even said he knew it was gonna rain, but he said, he just couldn't stand the car looking so dirty. Now, my brother and I are going to go color for a bit, he's off from school tommorrow thus, the lateage of our coloring session. Oh yeah, watched "Never Kill A Boy On the First Date" from Season 1 last night, and it was adorable, i had been wanting to watch that one for a long time. I love the innocent Scoobies and un-weighed down by the burden of her slayerness Buffy. I really feel like watching "Doppelgandland" from Season 3 with Vamp Willow in it, so i might do that in a little bit. Who knows?

"I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it’s nothing to me?
Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw
I’ll make the most of all the sadness
You’ll be a bitch because you can
You’ll try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Cause you can’t understand" "Slow Dancing In a Burning Room" by John Mayer

So beautiful. Night.

You were an island to discover...

Well finally I have gotten myself motivated enough to try and post about my all-time favorite song "Warning Sign" from Coldplay. I absolutely love this song beyond all reason. I got the Coldplay c.d. "A Rush of Blood to the Head" a few years ago because I remember John Mayer mentioning that he loved Coldplay and I thought, "Well, if John Mayer likes them that much, they must be really great so I went and got the album. I loved it, but I didn't really notice the song "Warning Sign" at first. I just knew that I loved the overall sound of the album and Coldplay.

So anyway one night I was searching through different iMixes on iTunes comprised of Buffy the Vampire Slayer songs (this was while I was still watching the series for the first time, I think I was watching Season 6 at the time) and seeing what kinds of songs people had chosen to put on their playlists, and if they were songs from the show or just songs that they thought fit the show. Anyway I was also checking to see how many of the songs I had already and I saw Coldplay and got really excited. I saw that it was "Warning Sign" and knew I had that. I went to my iTunes library and played it. I immediately loved the song and everything about it. I listened to it that night about 15 times in a row, while I was on the computer. From then on I was obsessed with the song. I listened to it constantly, mulling over the lyrics. I had yet to see the episode it was featured in but I looked it up on a particularly cool Buffy site and found out it was from a Season 7 episode called "Him". I didn't really know the context in which the song would be played yet but I was excited because the song is beautiful, musically and lyrically.

Finally when we got to "Him" I had kind of forgotten about it but I remembered as soon as I heard the opening chord and then I was just kind of disappointed. It plays during a part, where to me it doesn't really fit and makes no sense being there. Now, 99% of the time, BtVS is extremely good at not just putting in filler songs cause they're popular and if they do use a popular song its relevancy is so spot on that it doesn't matter, but with "Warning Sign" I just didn't see the fit with the scene. But that did not deter me from my love for the song. I just loved the sound and the lyrics and the meaning of it. Once I was finished with the entire series, I realized one day while I was listening to the song how perfectly, for me anyway, the song fit the Spike and Buffy relationship at the end of Season 7. That did it for me, the song "Warning Sign" was gonna forever have a huge spot in my heart. Here are the lyrics:

Warning Sign
A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst,
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in,
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in,
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so,
And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go,
No.

(piano solo)

So I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms,
And I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

Now for the most part I tend to look at this as Buffy's words to Spike at the end of the series, like in "Touched", "Empty Places" and "Chosen", but it also fits what Spike might say to Buffy as well. The first verse:

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst,
I started looking for excuses.

These two verses make me think of what Buffy might say to Spike about their relationship prior to this point ("Touched" and so on), that she missed what was good about Spike and what he could have been had she given him half a chance to show her something besides a sexual relationship, but she didn't want to give him that chance, Buffy didn't want Spike to be good and show kindness and the ability to change when he did not have a soul because the would show some basic internal flaw in Angel that was not inherent in Spike. Buffy did not want to see that Spike could be good and love her without a soul because it would mean that Angel, when he was Angelus, with his evil soulless ways could have been the same as Spike but was not. Also, after a while Buffy wanted to be punished, she wanted to feel dark and sick about what she was doing with Spike so any goodness that Spike had and wanted to show her, she blocked out and looked instead for the souless demon in him to justify her hating him. Chorus:

Come on in,
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in,
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

This makes me think of what Buffy is telling Spike at some point during those last three episodes, she's telling Spike, ok I'm letting you in now and I'm telling you that I realize what I did before, I was looking for all the things that were wrong with you and wrong with out relationship and wrong with me so I didn't have to look at the relationship in terms of maybe finding something more worth living for and being happy and justified in my feelings for a soulless vampire. She was looking for a warning sign and overlooked the goodness that was already there. Chorus:

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

I can see Buffy telling Spike and now I realize what I've done, what I did and I miss you, I know what you are offering and what you wanted to do for me and now I see that, I'm ready to admit that I feel so deeply for you and know that you feel the same way about me and I'm not afraid of the truth anymore. Second verse:

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

I love this verse, to me its Buffy saying I wanted to see the bad things, the warning sign, that would make it ok for me to treat you the way I did and not allow you to love me, but you would not leave my mind, you wouldn't leave my heart and soul, you are a part of my very being now and you were haunting me, not letting me forget you and reject love. I realize now how special you were then and are now, you were there Spike, to give me unconditional love, if only I had let you, you were there to try and be a good man, an asset to my team and family and I wouldn't let you, you were an island to discover but I didn't want to see any of that so I passed right on by. Chorus:

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so,
And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go,
No.

I think of Buffy telling Spike this after she comes to the realization that all she was really doing was looking for that warning sign. Buffy wanted there to be something wrong, but deep down she knew that somewhere in Spike and somewhere in herself there was room to make their relationship more than it had been up to that point. Buffy says but you know what, I realize now that I was wrong in doing that and I'm tired of pretending I was ok in pushing you away, I should have realized what I had and what you were willing to offer me and I should have helped you to be the man you had it in you to be before you got your soul, I shouldn't have turned you away and broken you down. But I can also see Spike saying this to Buffy as well, telling her this is how I felt when I was away from you in Africa. He would say he missed her so much then and realized that what he had done to prompt him to leave was the ultimate in wrong, and essentially is what he did to let her go, and he knows he never should have done it. I can see Spike telling Buffy he was tired of being seen by Buffy as only a soulless monster and acting on that image of himself, he wanted to be the good man he knew he could be song long ago like he told Cecily. Last verse:

So I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms,
And I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

This is the part that makes me tear up and makes me love the song more than I have ever loved any song before. This verse goes both ways. I think this song should have been played during the scene between Spike and Buffy in "Touched" (but I do concede that "It's Only Love" by Heather Nova was breath-taking), its the ultimate capper to their relationship, its their final peacemaking, its their silent "I love you" to the other and their realization that they have always been there waiting for eachother, and now they can be safe again in eachothers arms. Spike has always been waiting for Buffy, never gave up on her, went to fight for his soul, risked his life, did away with his pride and gave her simple, pure unconditional love and never wavered from that and never withdrew that love for Buffy, it was always there waiting for Buffy to crawl back into his arms and take it. And Buffy is finally giving this to Spike in return, Spike finally gets to hold her and love her the way he wants to as an ensouled man, but Buffy also holds him and gives him unconditional love and realizes that this love for him has always been there untapped somewhere beneath the surface waiting for the time when Buffy was ready to give it and Spike was ready to take it. They were able to take solace in eachother's arms for the rest of the series and know that they were truly, unconditionally loved for those moments and they were ok in doing so. Its just absolutely beautiful to me.

I love the song so much because I can see all these aspects of the Spike and Buffy relationship portrayed in it, but also because if looked at outside the context of Spike and Buffy (what? such a thing exsists?!), its still just as beautiful and heartbreaking and relatable. Its just about realizing that you made a mistake and didn't give the person who was trying to love you enough credit, you passed them by without even trying to see them. But in the end that person loves you so much and is waiting with open arms to take you back in and love you unconditionally. I can't think of anything more beautiful than that.

"A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover." "Warning Sign" by Coldplay

Night.

Lies My Parents Told Me...

So, ok today was a decent day, but God my mother always pisses me off. She just rubs me the wrong way about 90% of the time. I try to be nice and play the good daughter and indulge her craziness but its hard to do. I swear to God, i think she's bipolar. And i dont mean that to be insultive or funny, i seriously think she is. Her moods go from crazy happy to screaming monster bitch without a moments notice. You never know whats gonna set her off and get you in trouble or get you yelled at and given nasty looks for the rest of the day.

Like ok tonight, i went to go get her from work and i called her on her cellphone to say i was there and she said oh good im walking out right now, so i said, ok im just driving around again so...hello? mom are you there? She hung up on me in the middle of a fucking sentence. So i drive back around, she gets in the car and i just kind of non-confrontationally ask her why she hung up on me. She laughs and says, "I was finished talking." Can you believe that shit? How rude is that? I was in the middle of a sentence but she was finished talking so she hung up on me. She does that all the time, hangs up on people when they're on the phone with her. Well actually she only does that with us, me, my sister and my dad.

With everyone else she's civil and uses her manner and actually says goodbye and allows them to finish a sentence, but with us, she's rude and just forgets how to be a civilized being. When she's at work, she'll call my dad at work and hang up on him and he says sometimes he'll keep talking for a second and say "ok, bye" just so he's not embarrassed that she hung up on him. And the thing is, in many of those instances where she hangs up on us abrubtly she's not even angry she's just gotten so used to it and has let it become such a bad habit that she does it as almost a second nature. Its so annoying and rude.

Anyway, i didnt really press that issue in the car too much, i mean i told her it was rude and she was like well you do it all the time to me, which is total bullshit. I have hung up on her 3 times in the last month or so because her abrupt hangups have gotten so ludicrously out of control that i wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine. She's been doing this for months.

Anyway a few minutes later in the car i said i wanted her to listen to this song from the new John Mayer c.d. Continuum, its called "Stop this Train" and i told her its my favorite from his new album. I said please listen to this its so pretty. So of course she immediately starts off with "this sounds stupid" which was just joking but it was annoying that i asked her to please listen and she's being all blah about it. Anyway, at one of my most favorite lines in the song, she of course asks a stupid question about whether or not my dad made dinner yet and i kind of put up my hand like hang on listen to this, and then as i was making a turn she totally got all drama queen, which she loves to do, and like grabbed the side of the door and the handle thing at the top, also referred to as the "oh shit bar" and was like whoa. Holy shit, i made that turn like a grandma snail, she just wanted to be all nonchalant about the song. So i was thouroughly annoyed with her and we finally go home and i just turned the song off and she was like laughing and i said, "i dont know why i try to show you anything, you're so snotty" and she said i was gonna ask you a question about the stupid song, bitch (she's always calling my sister and i bitches, even when she's not mad, but especially when she is) and i was like yeah right. So anyway that was that.

Then later her, my dad, and my sister all were gonn watch Lost, they had it on the DVR and hadn't yet watched it, I hate Lost so i went upstairs. After it was over, she and my sister came up and my mom started ranting about how messy it was upstairs and then she proceeded to sit there on the bed staring at me for about 2 minutes, while i was on the computer. Finally she said, "in case you can't tell, i want on the computer." Holy crap that pissed me off. The other day i told her the way she went about telling people to get off the computer was rude so i guess this was her mature alternative to that. Usually she'll come up here and if someone's on the computer she'll say "I need on" and then stand there and if youre not off in 12 seconds she flips. Its just so fucking rude and i told her that the other day when she did it, so tonight she just came in and stared at me for 2 minutes. Of course i knew what she wanted but i sat there like i didnt know, because honestly how hard would it be for her to say "hey i need on in just a minute ok , you can finish that up though" or something to that effect and hey the computer is all yours but her methods and lack of manners is infuriating. So of course i told her that was rude too and she was like "oh i forgot youre so perfect i should try to be more like you" and blah blah she basically did her crazy lady routine, which she does from time to time.

So i went downstairs and my dad was like "what happened?" and i told him. He starts off on how i just have to let her do it and deal with it and i got upset and said he's always making the things that she does ok, no matter how rude. And he got a little upset and was like "just listen ok, you know she's gonna do it, you know there's nothing you can do to change her so why fight it." And he has a point but its so crappy.

Anyway she came back down and she was fine (coughbipolarcough) and she said she was going to bed. She wanted William to sleep with her and i said just make sure to leave the door open a little, and she said "im not stupid, i hate you, get out" and i laughed and said you sounded like a 5 year old. She laughed and it was fine. I went upstairs and was gonna get on the computer and of course she turned the fucking thing off. So i turned it back on and went down, burst through her closed door (which i admit was rude and bad for me to do) and said "why would you turn the computer off, you knew i was gonna get back on, thats so inconsiderate." She said dont come bursting into my room like that, all the things you dont like that i do, you do too, get out." I said she acted like such a kid and went upstairs. Then she called me down, well more like yelled my name and started yelling at me. She said if i didnt like the way she did things and if i was so tired of everything i should move out. Belive me if i made enough money and i didnt love my brother so damn much i would have a long time ago. Anyway i laughed and said its nothing about me disliking you i just dislike how rude and inconsiderate you are towards all of us but how you treat Samantha and Ashley like queens. Samantha and Ashley are her half sisters whom she recently, well a few months ago, started talkig with and hanging out with more often. They are 1 year older and 1 year younger than me and one has 3 kids, the other has 4. She treats them like they're the salt of the earth, best thing since Buffy the Vampire Slayer (lol) and treats us like crap. She said god youre so jealous of them, and said yeah you treat them so much better and we're youre fucking family right here. If they all had to live together all the time they wouldnt be so buddy buddy, i guarantee that.

Anyway she's just so rude and it annoys the shit out of me that she's the supposed adult and she gets to be the name-calling, hanging up on, in your face yelling, drama queen that she wants to be and thrives on and we just have to let it happen cuz she's some kind of nutcase walking a thin line.

Anyway, other things about today: I got my iPod back finally! I made sure i put it in my purse as soon as i got to work today and it is now safely on my bed where it belongs. And yesterday after waxing poetic about my iPod lol, i checked it out, and it looks like they didnt even touch it, much less look at it, so for that i am grateful to them.

Oh yea i forgot, i got a letter in the mail the other day that says i have jury duty in a few weeks. That's crazy. I've never had jury duty before, im nervous annoyed and a little excited all at the same time. I wonder what its gonna be like.

The title of this post is also the title of one of my very favorite episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Lies My Parents Told Me" from Season 7. Its an episode with Spike as the main plot, realizing why the trigger is significant and coming to terms with what he did as a new vampire so long ago and just basically having an epiphany. I absolutely love the episode and the title seemed to fit my rant a litte, well they both have to do with parents lol.

That's all for now. It's still pretty early i may post something else in a little bit on livejournal, lol, or upload some more pics. The night is young and i have nothing to do tomorrow, no work, no getting up early, no pressing plans, just going to Target lol. William was fine today by the way, sweet as ever, but he has been getting a bit more fiesty lately, maybe he can be called Spike yet. lol.

...There's something bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case
You tell me where to go
And though I might leave to find it
I'll never let you head hit the bed without my hand behind it...John Mayer "You're Body is a Wonderland"

Night.

I like mushy peas...

So, let me start out this post by saying, fuck. Now, that I've got that out of my system, let me explain why i said that.

I left my iPod at my employers house, AGAIN! On Tuesday, i took it with me, because i knew i would need a pick me up and I love having my iPod there so i can have some music i enjoy while i play with the kids. Plus, they have the super nice, super expensive Bose iPod dock so it makes it that much more fun lol. Anyway i was playing it and then i just turned it off but i didnt take it off the dock. Well i should have because i forgot it. But i forgot that i forgot about that until later on that night when i was ready to go to bed. Thats when i was like "What the fuck?" where is my iPod and then i was really worried for about 5 seconds that maybe i had left it in my purse in the car, (and i had forgotten to lock my door when we went into the store, stupid!) and someone had opened the door and taken the iPod. Then i remembered that i hadnt taken it off the dock at their house.

So i went to bed without it but it was strange and hard to do because i am a creature of habit, i thrive on it. Anyway today i called her and asked her if i could go in at 4:30 p.m. instead of 5 so i could leave at 7:30 p.m. instead of 8 and she said yea, and i asked her if i had left my iPod there and she said yes it was there. So color me thrilled that it wasnt stolen just left behind by my dumb ass. So i get there today and instead of walking directly over to it, taking off the dock and putting it in my purse i mistakenly think i will remember it before i leave, so i dont think about it anymore, besides i was a bit busy ya know? Anyway fastforward to about 7 minutes ago when i was thinking about a song that i wanted to add to a playlist and then remembering that i failed yet again to bring my iPod home with me and then that brings you up to the f-word, so we're all caught up.

I hate leaving my iPod there. My iPod has never been left somewhere by me like this before. Once i thought someone had stolen my iPod (my uncle's less than honest, according to my aunts and mom, girlfriend, had come over with him and later that night when we i was looking for my iPod and it was nowhere to be seen, my mom and dad seemed convinced she had taken it; turns out my brother had hidden it for me in his bottom drawer cause the iPod was on my bed and he didnt want out little cousins to get it and mess it up, I have never wanted to hug him or beat him so badly lol)but that has been really the only scare like that, knock on wood. But thinking about my iPod, being over at their house makes me feel exposed and uncomfortable.

I mean, to me, my iPod is like a diary of sorts. It houses all the songs that make up so much of my thoughts and feelings and likes and interests. My iPod is like a part of and those songs are like an extension of myself, they explain me when my own words cannot, they comfort me when there is no one else to do the job or the people who try just cant get it right, they fire me up when im feeling sluggish, they inspire me when im nervous, they let me know im not alone when i can relate to what is being said through lyrics or music, when im angry they give me a channel to release that anger into.

I have playlists on there that could tell so much about me, my Buffy playlists, my sleeping playlists, my running playlist, my dancing playlist, my cleaning playlist, my Someday playlist, my sexy (or good to have sex to) playlist, and lots of others that speak about certain aspects of who i am. My top 25 most played songs could tell you what my favorite song is and then that by extension could tell you much about me, the artists that i have on there and the different genres could tell you that i am a varied person with many different tastes musically and lyrically and those in turn all help to explain who i am.

But the thing is, those are private. I mean I'm posting it here, but i seriously doubt anyone will ever read this and even so, I dont know you so its not like im exposing myself in some irreversible way. It's not even like its embarrassing or something, its not really, but its just that part of me thats private and its just sitting in a dock in someone else's home. A part of me exposed and ready to spill my secrets. Does anyone else feel that strongly about their music?

In other aspects of my life, today was relatively normal i.e. boring. The new Target opened today and i didnt get to go. That made me sad. My sister and i went at about 10 p.m. cuz i figured they would keep the same hours as the other Target, which is open till 11p.m. but no they were closed so i will have to try again tomorrow and if not then definitely friday.

William has decided that he doesnt want to eat his dry food nearly as often anymore. He now rushed to the kitchen anytime he hears the fridge open and he devours the wet food, we buy him the little Whiskas packets, but now he won't eat the dry food, Meow Mix Indoor Formula, nearly as much. Oh well, I'll get him whatever he'll eat, and we still give him dry food to have throughout the day.

The title of this post is a quote from Giles in the season 4 episode "Pangs". Here's the dialouge where this quote is from:

Willow : Hey.

Buffy : Peas?

Willow : Peas.

Buffy takes the small box of peas leaving Willow to struggle with a mound of books.

Buffy : These are frozen.

Giles : What's all that?

Willow : Atrocities. I got the full poop on the chumash indians and our fabulous buried mission.

Buffy : You said you were going to get fresh ones.

Willow : Atrocities?

Buffy : Peas. They come in little pods. You were going to shell them.

Willow : I didn't have time. I was busy reading about the chumash war.

Giles : The chumash were peaceful.

Willow : Oh, they were peaceful, all right. They were fluffy indigenous kittens, till we came along.

Buffy : They're gonna be mushy.

Willow : They won't be mushy.

Giles : I like mushy peas.

Buffy : You're the reason we had to have pilgrims in the first place.


LOL, i freakin love that scene and that episode is one of my top ten favorites, for me, easily the funnist in the entire series. I adore it.

Well i suppose thats it for now. Oh lol, yea i just remembered, i did go back and complete my livejournal account. I just couldnt stand having something out there that belonged to me that was left incomplete. So i went and simplified it all up and wrote a little first post post, but i still just prefer this one, i just feel like we're already old buddies and i feel comfortable here. I dont know maybe I'll try and keep them both updated. I was never very good at remembering the lessons i was taught.

"It's been so long i should just move on, there's other fish in the sea, but I keep hoping that you'll swim back home to, I'm just glad i got the chance to know you, you'll forever be the one that got away." Allister. Night.

Try not to piss anyone off

So, today was a normal day. I actually got up a little earlier than i usually get up on tuesday mornings, becasue my brother came into my room and said he'd had a bad dream and wanted to know if he could sleep with me. I told him yes, but then of course when it was time to wake him up to get ready for school that meant i had to get up as well and since it was already like 7:20 a.m. there wasnt much time for sleeping anymore. I basically stayed in bed for about 20 minutes more and then finally got up and started getting going.

William slept with me practically the whole night last night which was nice to be able to wake up and see or feel his warm, furry little body sleeping on top of my blanket at various times throughout the night.

Anyway this morning at work i started out good, not tired at all, and then of course at about 11:30 a.m. i started getting a little tired and that's so hard to come back from. I fought through it and was able to have fun with the boys today. Of course today though, my employer asked me if i could start getting there at 9:15 instead of 9:30 a.m. because she's volunteered herself to go to the oldest child's school and read to them or something every frickin tuesday. That doesnt seem like much of a difference and in reality it is only 15 minutes, but that's 15 minutes. Thats a lot of time for someone who values their sleep as much as i do. Anyway made it through another tuesday, that's all i can ask for.

Tonight, me and the rest of my family, sans my sister who was at an acadeca meet, watched the two new episodes of "Meerkat Manor" we had recorded on the DVR and they were great. I love those little guys. And we watched the last bit of Monday night Raw that was also on the DVR. I know, i know, i should hang my head in shame for watching RAW much less admitting to actually watching it, but my brother got me into it and damn it that show isnt addictive. Everyone here at my house, against their better judgment and tastes, watches and loves Monday night RAW and Friday night SmackDown. Lol, its crazy.

Anyway after that my sister finally got home and she and i finally got to watch what we have been waiting months for, the season premiere of "Veronica Mars". It has been forever since I've watched a show that i actually cared a ton about, well aside from "House" which i adore, and couldnt wait for the season premiere of to air. This was so exciting. The post title comes from the opening lines of tonight's show spoken by Veronica in voiceover. I love Veronica Mars, not only because she and i share the same first name lol, (i know thats lame) but also because she is so adorable (or rather Kristen Bell is adorable) and she's so smart and sassy and savvy. I aspire to be a bit like her. There are often comparisons made between this show and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (ha, thought i could go through an entire post without mentioning Buffy, but alas I cannot resist) and some of the comparisons i can see. For me the major ones are the female in the lead role, who is not some submissive, ditzy, insider person living the charmed life until, gasp, her boyfriend cheats on her and she has to move on, or something as banal as that, and the other major similarity i can see is the witty dialouge. The snappy, witty, sarcastic humor and tossed about little one-liners are very reminisent of Buffy and i love that.

Of course, i think "Veronica Mars" rocks but it cannot hold a candle to Buffy and for me i dont think it ever will. Dont get me wrong i most definitly want VM to do well and carry on past this third season but the title for favorite show, show that changed my life and opened my eyes to so many things, will forever belong to Buffy, first and foremost.

One last thing, the new Target store opens in my city tomorrow. Words cannot express how excited i am about this. I absolutely love Target. It's my favorite store. Their stuff is cute, trendy but not too trendy and not super expensive. Plus, this particular location is much closer to me than the Target we have right now so thats good, because i am constantly going to Target and that eats up a lot of gas money. Anyhow, i hope i am able to go tomorrow and check it all out. "It takes some silence to make sound..." Jason Mraz. Goodnight.

The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture

So, yeah let's see right now I'm listening to Rob Zombie "Living Dead Girl", this song will always remind me of Faith from BtVS. I think they played it for a scene where she was dancing in a club in L.A. on Season 1 of Angel. It really does suit her well.

That's something i absolutely adore about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. They use music so well, especially Buffy. BtVS uses music so much, it's almost like another character in the show. It too has evolved from not so great to fantastic mostly unknown or lesser known stuff that just blows your mind with its relevancy to the actual situation going on in the episode or with the character in that particular scene. There are so many instances where i just have gone, "Oh my god, i never realized it but that song fits so perfectly with whats going on right now, its like an extra bit of character analysis. I absolutely love it and thats one of the things i want to eventually get around to posting about.

Anyway the title of this post comes from the Season 2 ep of Buffy "Reptile Boy" and it's something Giles tells Buffy at the end of the ep after she's nearly been eaten by a giant snake demon called Machida while at a frat party with Cordy. She told a lie to Giles so she could go to the party and of course it was a "Buffy party" and she nearly got killed. So Giles tells her that afterwards and I love that.

I chose it because i wanted to try and get a Livejournal account and maybe use that as my blogging command central but man was it stupid. I mean it just wasnt nearly as satisfying as i thought it would be ya know?

First of all i had to do this stupid age verification thing becasue apparently someone under the age of 13 had used our computer to create a livejournal account, which is total bullshit, I'm the only one who's ever even been to that site and hello, so not under 13. So that was annoying and then the layouts and color choices were shit and there are advertisements to the side on your blog page which totally bites and takes out some of the personal feeling of it. In order to be free of advertisements, you either have to get the basic account which has crap to offer or get the paid account which is only like 2 bucks but still what a hassle and 2 dollars is a song or two on iTunes, thanks but no thanks. I just decided i much prefer this site and I really like what i've been able to do on my own, so as far as my brave venture out into the world of livejournal "The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture."

I will be happy with what I have for right now. Besides I now have created the account and have the name and url so if i decide i want to post to a community or comment on something which is why i really wanted an lj account in the first place, now i can.

On other fronts, i should totally be in bed right now, i have to be up at 8:30 a.m. because i have to be at work at 9:30 a.m. ugh, i hate Monday nights and Tuesday mornings. I despise getting up early almost more than anything else. But then I do get to get out of work at 2:30 p.m. which is cool cuz then i have the rest of the day free and i dont go to work on Wednesdays till 4:30 p.m. and sometimes 5p.m., so its all good. But i stay up to late and sleep to long so I'm not tired when i should be and then im tired on Tuesday morning.

Today my dad cleaned the carpets and so today all day walking around was disgusting, because the carpets were all damp and cold. I hate that. It was like no place was safe and i had to keep my feet up so they didn't freeze off.

Oh yeah, one of the two Buffy books i'm expecting arrived today! It was "The Watcher's Guide Volume 1" and i am so excited. It seems really great and has all these quotes, I'm a sucker for quotes, and interviews and just little tidbits and stuff. It's awesome. The next book "The Watcher's Guide Volume 2" should arrive shortly. Then I'll have more books to order lol.

William is doing great. Today a couple of times he actually went like a little crazy and was running around clawing at imaginary things on the wall and attacking a towel that was on the floor. It was adorable because prior to this, he has not really been a very crazy, active cat. He is the sweetest little thing though, i adore him. Sometime I'll have to post about all my pets that i have loved and think about often. I'm a nerd but i make no apologies for it, i love my animals.

Oh yeah, last night i watched two episodes of Buffy both from Season 2. First i watched "What's My Line Pt. 2" because i felt like seeing Spike and that was an episode with lots of Spike in it for a Season 2 ep, aside from "School Hard" which i had just recently watched. I love the end scene where Drusilla's health is all restored and Spike is now the one who's hurt and she just lifts him up so easily and carries him off. It's so romantic in a gothic-y sort of way, and its suits Spike so perfectly, him being in the role of the woman, submissive and carried out. I love it. Then i watched "Becoming Pt. 2" which is fan-freakin-tastic, lots of Spike and Dru, the wicked awesome Angelus and just so much stuff. I love all the scenes between Spike, Buffy and Joyce, like this scene:

Spike: What, your mum doesn't know?

Buffy glares at Spike.

Joyce: (to Spike) Know what?

Buffy: (faces her mom) That I'm, uh... in a band. A-a rock band with
Spike here. (shoots Spike a look)

Spike: Right. She plays the, the triangle.

Buffy: Drums.

Spike: Drums, yeah. She's, uh, hell on the old skins, you know.

Joyce: (unconvinced) Hmm. And, uh, what do you do?

Spike: Well, I sing.

Lol, i freakin love the scene, all of their faces and expressions are fantastic. I got that from the site Buffyworld.com btw, its an awesome site because like i said im a sucker for quotes and when i cant remember a certain quote I'll go there and find the transcript and all is well again.

Also, today i made a book called "Willow's Great Escape" (i told you im obsessed lol)about a mouse who is very brave and has to save her brother, William (named after William/Spike from BtVS and our new kitty by proxy) who's in a mouse trap and she gets help from a cat named Lola (Lola was my last kitty who i loved and still do so very very much I really will have to post about them all) and then all is well at the end. I made it for the kids i take care of because something that one of them said today inspired me for some reason and so voila there it is. It's pretty cute if i do say so myself, certainly not published and bestseller worthy but still cute.

Anyway i suppose thats all for tonight. I shall go to bed and wake up far too tired. "Wish me monsters". Night.

There's a kitty sleeping next to me

Well, let's see, I feel that I have a lot that I want to talk about, but as it stands at this moment I think this may be a short post (well short for me anyway) because i really want to watch an episode of Angel or Buffy, I haven't decided yet, and since it's already 2 a.m. I should get started. Just wanted to write about a few things real quick.

I finally did some maintenance on this page, I'm no professional but the fact that I figured out how to make some things work and get some things to look the way I wanted them to is something that amazes me and makes me a little proud of myself. I added the links to my favorite websites on here too; I'll add more as I have more time. Some peoples' blogs are fancy (one of my favorite words!) and that made me feel like I should do a bit more with mine. I'll try to post pictures and stuff as well. I really want to do some posts about certain songs and what the lyrics mean to me and why I love them. I want to do some posts about certain pieces of artwork I found on the internet that I think are wicked cool and just post about the general, swirly thoughts going on in my head at any given moment.

Today was pretty boring, the best part of today was watching the Dallas Cowboys beat the Tennessee Titans (I'm a product of my upbringing and the Cowboys were and are a part of that). The other good part was me, my brother and my sister all playing with the new kitty and just watching the random adorableness.

He's this so cute little orangey kitty we found the other night. Well actually, my dad was outside and he came in and said, "Look at the cat", and my sister went to the door, called to him and he ran straight inside. I wasn't home when they found him and I was sad because I knew that by the time I got home he would be gone again. But, when I pulled up a couple of hours later, the kitty was still there outside the house and I called to him and he came right up to me and let me pick him up. I took him in and fell in love. But after a while I put him out cuz I knew he belonged to someone and I didn’t want to keep him from going home. But when I went outside at 4:30 a.m. to take my mom to work there was the kitty again and I was so sad because it was chilly outside and his paws and fur were cold. So I took him with me in the car and he was so great.

He's the sweetest little thing ever; he hasn't bitten or scratched anyone. In the car I discovered that he was de-clawed, which made me a little angry because if you're going to have your cat de-clawed it is your responsibility to either keep the cat indoors where there are no dangers presented to him/her or be more watchful and aware of the time its outside (I'm beginning to think that what happened was that someone just dumped this precious little kitty outside on purpose).

However, this is now 4 days later and he has yet to make a beeline for the door and try to escape. We bought him a litter box and all the other necessities needed for a kitty. We also gave him a name, William, named after, you guessed it, Spike. Spike was called William when he was still human and therefore alive, but when he became a badass, sexy vampire he changed his name to Spike. I decided to call him William, because yes I am obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all things Spike, but there really is more to it than that. William was a very sensitive man, he loved to write poetry and appreciated the fine things in life, he was very open and honest although perhaps a bit shy and nerdy (more reasons to love Spike), and when he became a vampire and fleshed out the persona of Spike he still retained the sensitivity and awareness and honesty that make me love him so much. Anyhow, although I desperately wanted to name the kitty Spike, it just didn’t fit. I mean if he had been wild and running around and biting people I would have called him Spike lol, but he just lazes around, loves to be held, purrs like a Mack truck, rubs against our legs all the time and shows little interest in playing with any toys, so I called him William because he seems so sweet and sensitive. I love him.

Well that’s all for now, I'll try and post again tomorrow and who knows maybe I'll actually get around to posting about the things I actually planned to do in the first place. Goodnight.