A state of unrest...

So, first off, I have been meaning to write about this for a while but I just haven't worked up the motivation to do so until now. Sometimes i get so lazy about blogging. And for some stupid reason now i can't log onto blogger from aol, which is what i use, i have to use this stupid mozilla shit to get onto blogger, not really a big deal at all, just an annoyance.

Anyway, so what i wanted to happen for my best friend finally happened. He and his ex got back together, just like I knew they would!!! And not only that, but they are engaged!!!! I am beyond happy for him and for both of them really. That was beyond my wildest dreams, I just wanted my friend to get the guy he wanted back, I didn't dare to hope for any more than that, but wham, bam thank you maam, and now look at that, my best friend is getting married. I wish them nothing but happiness and love and all the good things they deserve in life, for the rest of their lives together. I swear, it gave me a happy in my heart like you wouldn't believe.

And, it is a little weird, but not because because it's two gay men getting engaged, but because it's my best friend, that I've known for years and now he's getting fucking married, it just feels surreal and it's totally awesome and new and amazing.

Now, though, that I know my friend is gonna be ok and be happy, I'm free to feel a little jealous about the whole thing. I mean, wow how lucky for him that he's found the person he knows he's meant to be with forever, the person he knows he's going to wake up next to for the rest of his life and never stop loving him. It just seems like it would feel so comfortable and safe and amazing and I want that.

It also makes me feel a little bit more loserish than i already feel, because he's 22 just like me and now he's engaged and is in love with a person who loves him back just as much and they will make a wonderful happy life together. My sister has a boyfriend that she's been with for a long time now, and she's still very much in love with him and their relationship just seems so comfortable and cute and it just makes me feel like a loser.

What is so wrong with me that I can't have this type of thing as well. I mean hell, even my mom and dad are seeing people and getting into relationships. I just suck at this whole thing. I wonder where it all went so horribly wrong for me. I sometimes seriously think that I will really just never get married, have a long term relationship or anything like that. And it's not like a pity party, it's 100% seriousness, I really sometimes just can't imagine myself ever meeting someone who's going to love me like these people love my sister or my best friend.

When I was younger, like a younger teenager, I always imagined I would be married by 22 and have a child by the time i was 25. I was so sure of this lol, and here I am 22 and I don't even have a prospective boyfriend on the horizon. I don't know why that is, well i mean i guess I do. I don't go to school right now, I work at a house with three kids so i don't see new people or grownups at my job, my best friend is gay and has mostly gay friends, and I would much rather stay home and be with my brother (a small part of why is because everytime i leave him i feel guilty, but mostly there is no one in the world i would rather hang out with than him), but even so, when i did go to school and when i did work at the Gap, and hang out with lots of other people, i never had prospective boyfriends on the horizon. I just must give off this unappealing vibe or something.

I've been told I seem snobby, but honestly it's just shyness not snobbery, ok, well some of it might be snobbery but really the majority of that is shyness. And if i do meet guys, it ends up being about sex and only sex. I've talked to guys online and it ends up at the same place, a sexual encounter or 15 with a person and then nothing. You just can't have a relationship with someone you started out using for sex, no matter how badly you want it.

I don't know, maybe there is someone out there who will be right for me, a Buffy loving geek, a music loving freak, a sports connoisseur, an animal lover, someone with a sexual appetite to match my voracious one, a sweet guy who will go to the park with me and push me on the swing, an intelligent, kind guy who loves my brother, and takes me with all my geeky, freakish, quirky ways. I sorta doubt it, but hey stranger things have happened. I mean George W. Bush became President, John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are dating, and Britney Spears shaved her head so anything's possible.

Also, I am starting to stress about money. I am trying to pay off my credit cards, but I'm going to have to quit my job soon, because summer's coming up and my sister is moving in with her boyfriend sometime, my dad is moving very, very soon and will be gone and my mom works all day, so it's me that's gonna be here to take care of my brother and get him where he needs to be and stuff. So, taking care of him and doing his stuff doesn't really mesh with my work schedule at all, so I've already told them I'm not going to be able to work for them anymore, and they have said they are really said about it but understand, and have repeatedly told me that anytime during the summer when i have a free day where I don't have to watch my brother and stuff and I want to work to just let them know and they would absolutely love it.

It's nice to feel needed, lol. And I might take them up on that offer. I mean, in theory getting another job shouldn't be super hard, I did it once for extra Christmas money, but that was before I was the one that had to watch my brother during the day. Now, I want or need to find something where i could work at night that way my mom would be home and could be with my brother. And the only place i can think of is Wal-Mart, and I just don't know if I can. It's snobbery plain and simple, but I might have to just get rid of that and try for a job there. So, if anyone is reading this and knows where I can get an overnight job I'm your girl.

And it pisses me off and makes me sad, when I'm telling my sister this and she just kinda doesn't even really say anything. I guess I just want her to be like, "you know what, I'll stay home, I won't move in with him yet, I'll help you out, we'll work it out together," but she never does. It's like she feels she has no obligation to us or whatever. And i certainly wouldn't let her do that, but the offer would be nice just to know that she realizes this is rough for me, so i know she's thinking about someone besides herself, you know?

Oh, well, at least she's doing what makes her happy, that's what everyone should do. I will never regret the things I do for my brother. I love him more than anything on this whole entire planet and everything i do for him is with 100% happiness and love and devotion.

Man, do i have issues or what?! Lol, not anything too bad, i don't think, I mean as far as like how bad off I am I'm pretty lucky to have nothing too severe to worry about, I know there are lots of people out there who have it worse than I could even imagine, but that doesn't mean I don't think things suck for me sometimes. And if I can't whine about that here, than where?

And oh yes, the other day at my brother's baseball game, he was pitching, and my dad was being a total asshole to him, yelling and embarrassing him and just being over all jerky cuz he wasn't doing so well.

My and my sister we're really getting pissed off with this and told him to stop being so mean and loud when he passed by us and he told us to shut up. I said, "you're leaving soon and the last things he's gonna remember are you yelling at him and being mean all the time," and he said something meaningless and then he said something i didn't hear so i asked my sister what he said and she said he said, "That's why a week isn't soon enough" he meant before he leaves, and so i walked over to where he was sitting in the dugout and hissed at him, "that's why a week isn't soon enough for him" speaking about my brother.

I mean, what a fucking jerk, I'm ready for him to be gone. I'm tired of him being a jerk and hurting my feelings and being mean to my brother. Good riddance.

Also, at another game we played at the MLK fields the other day, the umpire was a total asshole, kicked one of our coaches out and then threatened to call the cops on him and when my mom asked why he was gonna call the cops to have him arressted, he said, "you can find out maam when they arrest you too," and they cheated us out of game time, we were only down by one point and were up to bat next, we had just played defense and held them and got three outs and were going to bat but then they were like, "game time has expired" and all hell broke loose.

People started yelling about game time not expiring and then the players from the other team went up to the fence where our parents were sitting and taunted them and were ugly to them. They got yelled at by their coaches and that umpire was still being a jerk. Everyone of the parents from our team was pissed off with all of those people and it was crap for our team, cuz they so would have won that game but there were cheated out of it. Our head coach said we won't be playing games there anymore, so I'm happy about that.

Guess that's all the whine I have for tonight, that I can think of anyway.

"i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
a window and a pigeon with a broken wing
you can spend your whole life working for something
just to have it taken away
people walk around pushing back their desks
wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about death
every little heart beat, every little breath
people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge
carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons..." "Ain't No Reason" Brett Dennen

It's a really, beautiful, amazing song, that just caught my attention the first time i listened to it. Almost makes me cry.

Night.