So I said to myself, self, I said...
"It's time to shake and shimmy it off," is how that Willow quote from "Something Blue" finishes off, and i have been saying that quote a lot lately for some reason. I think i just like the way it sounds. I think i like it because when Willow says it she's trying to tell everyone that she's ready to move on, she's trying to make them think that everything's ok now, but it so isn't for her and it isn't for me either.
So my intention is to actually make a cohesive post and have it be about something rather than just a slap dash job, whatever the hell that means.
So tonight i completely just finally told my dad and my mom most of what i have been thinking about for the past few weeks. I had to stay about 30 minutes late at work tonight, which was annoying becasue i was only supposed to be there about 15 minutes extra but of course they aren't very good at being there when they say they are. Anyway when i left work i was calling my dad but he called me first and immediately i could hear the fucking depressed, whiny, poor woe is me tone in his voice that has been driving me crazy the past few weeks. He wanted to know if i was hungry and what i wanted to eat, so i said yea I'm hungry but I dont know yet what i want, and it was kind of late like 8 already and my brother is supposed to go to sleep at 9:30 which did not happen tonight. Anyway he just sounded so put out by having to think of something for dinner that i just said I'll be home in about 5 minutes and we'll figure it out.
I felt awful for my brother becasue my bitch of a sibling is out of town for more fucking school funtion shit and I have just about had it it with that shit too. Anyway so my mom was at work, i was at work, my sister is gone and my poor brother was at home with our depressed, needs to get on Cymbalta, semi-comatose father. I felt awful.
So i walked in the door and said "hey buddy, what do you want to eat, you want Wendy's?" and he said yeah, and then my dad rolled his eyes and said "i couldn't get him to give me an answer." So he said he was gonna go get food and i was going to go get my mom from work cuz she got out at 9 and then as my dad was getting his keys he just looked so utterly defeated and unhappy that i just couldn't stand it anymore and i said "dad, whats wrong with you" and he said "i dont know what's wrong with my anymore" and that just set me off. I told him all he ever did anymore was sit around on the couch watching TV looking depressed and unhappy and hating every moment of every day he was with us. I said "you and mom are being ridiculous and it isn't fair to any one of us." "It isn't fair to you or mom and it especially isn't fair to M." I said "maybe you do need to move out if thats whats going to make you happy again, because you obviously aren't happy here."
So he says, "i told your mom i wanted to move out but she said that if i moved out i wouldn't be able to coach matt when baseball season starts." I said "that is ridiculous but maybe that's the way it has to be for you to get happy," and he said, "so your mom gets to dictate everything in M's life again, she runs it all and makes all his decisions without asking me, how do you think that makes me feel?" And that is so like my mom to say something like that, something so ridiculous, a fucking ultimatum that contradicts what she wants to happen.
Anyway he went on to say that yes he was unhappy and i asked why he was still here if we made him so unhappy and he hated being around us and he said i dont hate you guys, why do you think I've been here the last 2 and a half years, its not for your mom, its so that i can see you guys and give you guys the things you want, i live my life on a couch but i do it for you guys." And i said, "oh thats great, so youre telling me that the reason your here is so you can buy us things, and that you basically hate your life because of that." Then i just said, "you know what, don't go anywhere I'll take M to get food and then we'll go get mom."
We left and i told M i was sorry but that the things going on were most definitely, 100% not his fault and to not ever think that. Anyway we went and got food and then went to get my mom. I told her what had happened and that i was annoyed and pissed with both of them for being so immature and using us like pawns and making all of us feel like we were walking on eggshells with every word we said or thing we did. I told her about the baseball thing my dad had said and she said, "yeah im not gonna let him dictate when M plays or goes to practice and all that," and i said "that's ridiculous and unfair because you're preventing everyone from being happy and you're just being immature." And then she yelled at me and sarcastically said "i forgot you're just the most mature adult in the house and you know everything that's going on."
Of course after we got home and me and M ate our food and went upstairs to finish his homework at 9:40 we could hear them arguing and yelling. Yes that's great for M, more yelling in the house. Anyway both of them well, actually only my dad really actually apologized for blowing up at me and i did the same saying that he mistook what i was saying as proof that i wanted him to leave and that i didnt care about him. I do, i so want him to stay, i want everything to be semi-happy like it was for a while, but that's not gonna happen so i want everyone to be happy no matter what that takes.
My mom just glossed over it and ignored the argument we'd had in the car and was nice to me later for the rest of the night. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything but this bullshit, with them not talking to eachother and me running mad crazy trying to make sure I'm not being too nice to one of them so that the other one feels bad and then trying to overcompensate with the other parent when i feel guilty for being nice to the other. I'm tired of being afraid to say the wrong thing in my house for fear of starting the argument that's just hanging in the air, waiting to burst. I'm sick and tired of M having to live with shit like this, he's too good for this and doesn't deserve to have to live with this weird, angry vibe hanging around in the air.
Of course my fucking stupid sister wasn't/isn't here. She's out of town for Aca-Deca shit. Everything about her annoys the fuck out of me. And i don't think anyone really gets why i dislike her so much, but i guess when you're treated the way she treats me you'll have intense feelings of dislike for her that might seem irrational to others but so warranted from your perspective. She's rude, selfish, self-absorbed, snotty, she takes everything she has for granted and she's just an all around bitch for me to be around 98% of the time now. It really makes me sad, because there was a time for a while where she and i were friends, when she knew pretty much everything that was up with me and i the same for her.
It used to be that i could say i was going somewhere and i would ask if she wanted to come along and she would go and talk to me. I used to be able to say hey want to watch Buffy/Angel/Veronica Mars/Six Feet Under and she would watch an episode with me. There was a time when she wanted to go to a concert and didn't have any friends that could go or wanted to go but she really wanted to so i went with her. I hated all the bands but i knew she wanted to go and i went with her.
Now it's gotten to the point that if i want to ask her to go to Target with me i have to work up my courage for about 5 minutes bracing myself for the snotty look or the rejection i know she's about to deliver to me, and then if she does say yes, she's on the phone in the car and in the store, sometimes ditching me to go talk to friends who work at the store. I have completely given up ever asking her to watch Buffy or anything else with me, and i have gotten to where i am embarrassed to refernce Buffy or Angel in front of her, whereas just months ago we used to have whole text message conversations in Buffy speak, trading quotes and laughing our asses off.
I know she feels morally, socially, and intellectually superior to me and maybe she is, I dont know, but it just hurts. Everything is about her, her school shit, her boyfriend and her friends. She ignores everyone and everything going on in her home and with her family, the people who have always been with her, when she didn't have a group of friends to go hang out with and a boyfriend to do whatever the fuck she does with him, when said boyfriend became the dickwad we all knew him to be and broke up with her only to come sleazing back soon after. She acts like M is a nusiance half the time and that pisses me off more than a lot of the other shit she does, because you don't get to treat my brother that way.
I mean i know she's all hoighty-toighty going off to college soon and moving out so don't you think that would mean you would take advantage of the last couple of months you're going to be living at home and be nicer to everyone? Well, not her. She takes it all for granted and just expects it to come for her and happen when she wants it how she wants it. I've said it before, but if i had the same fucking advantages that she's had i would have been at a university already and probably graduated.
But then again maybe not because since I've been a semi-mother to both my siblings since my sister was born I guess i have a stronger bond to them and more specifically my brother and just the thought of leaving him to go to college and pursue whatever the fuck it is people in their 20s want to pursue, makes me so sad, it just becomes unimaginable for me to leave him. So she can leave if she hates us all so fucking much and can't wait to live in a stink hole with her boyfriend and never go to class and mooch off of her family that she doesn't live with, I'll take my beautiful brother any day.
Basically the situation with her makes me so sad mostly because there was this glimpse of what could have been, but deep down i know that how it was will never be again, she and i will never be friends or close like we were and a part of me is ok with that, because you can only be hurt by a person so many times before you just go "ok you know what, I've gotta protect myself and I'm tired of looking like the dumbass."
So anyway I'm sure I'll remember some other fucked up situation with my family that i wanted to talk about after i publish but oh well, it'll have to wait for another post cuz I'm done talking about them.
Work is work, it gives me money to pay off my credit cards lol and that's a good thing. It is helping me to realize that maybe I don't really want to work with kids after all no matter how well i can work with them.
William, my beautiful cat is doing much better. He's started running up and down the stairs again and jumping on to the couch and beds again so that's good news. It means his stiches don't hurt as much maybe and hopefully soon his wanderlust will slow down a whole bunch too.
I'm still trying to find a decent iPod armband for my beautiful 80GB video iPod so that i can start "running" again. I think i found one but damn its harder to find one with good reviews than i thought. I so want to lose weight and get healthy. I dont even want to necessarily be a size 6 (althought i would be lying if i said i didnt dream about that) but i want to tone and slim things and just be more healthy about the choices i make and the foods i eat. I want to look good in the dress i bought when my ambitions were high and the mirrors told lies.
I recently finished the entire series of "Six Feet Under" again. Well actually i hadn't seen the first season and some of the second season the first time i watched it when it aired on HBO. But this time i watched it all because i bought the complete series in December and good God that show is awesome. Still, i dont think as good as Buffy the Vampire Slayer but one of the best shows ever created in my humble opinion. I sobbed like a mad woman during the series finale. I would have a hard time deciding if SFU or Angel would come in second for my favorite. I'm not even gonna try to decide that now.
Well i suppose that's it for now. I've gone and developed carpal tunnel syndrome (...and can tragically no longer carry a flashlight...! what's it from??!!), that's what i get for not updating on a regular basis.
"Stars looking at a planet, watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane" "Stars" by Switchfoot
Night.
So my intention is to actually make a cohesive post and have it be about something rather than just a slap dash job, whatever the hell that means.
So tonight i completely just finally told my dad and my mom most of what i have been thinking about for the past few weeks. I had to stay about 30 minutes late at work tonight, which was annoying becasue i was only supposed to be there about 15 minutes extra but of course they aren't very good at being there when they say they are. Anyway when i left work i was calling my dad but he called me first and immediately i could hear the fucking depressed, whiny, poor woe is me tone in his voice that has been driving me crazy the past few weeks. He wanted to know if i was hungry and what i wanted to eat, so i said yea I'm hungry but I dont know yet what i want, and it was kind of late like 8 already and my brother is supposed to go to sleep at 9:30 which did not happen tonight. Anyway he just sounded so put out by having to think of something for dinner that i just said I'll be home in about 5 minutes and we'll figure it out.
I felt awful for my brother becasue my bitch of a sibling is out of town for more fucking school funtion shit and I have just about had it it with that shit too. Anyway so my mom was at work, i was at work, my sister is gone and my poor brother was at home with our depressed, needs to get on Cymbalta, semi-comatose father. I felt awful.
So i walked in the door and said "hey buddy, what do you want to eat, you want Wendy's?" and he said yeah, and then my dad rolled his eyes and said "i couldn't get him to give me an answer." So he said he was gonna go get food and i was going to go get my mom from work cuz she got out at 9 and then as my dad was getting his keys he just looked so utterly defeated and unhappy that i just couldn't stand it anymore and i said "dad, whats wrong with you" and he said "i dont know what's wrong with my anymore" and that just set me off. I told him all he ever did anymore was sit around on the couch watching TV looking depressed and unhappy and hating every moment of every day he was with us. I said "you and mom are being ridiculous and it isn't fair to any one of us." "It isn't fair to you or mom and it especially isn't fair to M." I said "maybe you do need to move out if thats whats going to make you happy again, because you obviously aren't happy here."
So he says, "i told your mom i wanted to move out but she said that if i moved out i wouldn't be able to coach matt when baseball season starts." I said "that is ridiculous but maybe that's the way it has to be for you to get happy," and he said, "so your mom gets to dictate everything in M's life again, she runs it all and makes all his decisions without asking me, how do you think that makes me feel?" And that is so like my mom to say something like that, something so ridiculous, a fucking ultimatum that contradicts what she wants to happen.
Anyway he went on to say that yes he was unhappy and i asked why he was still here if we made him so unhappy and he hated being around us and he said i dont hate you guys, why do you think I've been here the last 2 and a half years, its not for your mom, its so that i can see you guys and give you guys the things you want, i live my life on a couch but i do it for you guys." And i said, "oh thats great, so youre telling me that the reason your here is so you can buy us things, and that you basically hate your life because of that." Then i just said, "you know what, don't go anywhere I'll take M to get food and then we'll go get mom."
We left and i told M i was sorry but that the things going on were most definitely, 100% not his fault and to not ever think that. Anyway we went and got food and then went to get my mom. I told her what had happened and that i was annoyed and pissed with both of them for being so immature and using us like pawns and making all of us feel like we were walking on eggshells with every word we said or thing we did. I told her about the baseball thing my dad had said and she said, "yeah im not gonna let him dictate when M plays or goes to practice and all that," and i said "that's ridiculous and unfair because you're preventing everyone from being happy and you're just being immature." And then she yelled at me and sarcastically said "i forgot you're just the most mature adult in the house and you know everything that's going on."
Of course after we got home and me and M ate our food and went upstairs to finish his homework at 9:40 we could hear them arguing and yelling. Yes that's great for M, more yelling in the house. Anyway both of them well, actually only my dad really actually apologized for blowing up at me and i did the same saying that he mistook what i was saying as proof that i wanted him to leave and that i didnt care about him. I do, i so want him to stay, i want everything to be semi-happy like it was for a while, but that's not gonna happen so i want everyone to be happy no matter what that takes.
My mom just glossed over it and ignored the argument we'd had in the car and was nice to me later for the rest of the night. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything but this bullshit, with them not talking to eachother and me running mad crazy trying to make sure I'm not being too nice to one of them so that the other one feels bad and then trying to overcompensate with the other parent when i feel guilty for being nice to the other. I'm tired of being afraid to say the wrong thing in my house for fear of starting the argument that's just hanging in the air, waiting to burst. I'm sick and tired of M having to live with shit like this, he's too good for this and doesn't deserve to have to live with this weird, angry vibe hanging around in the air.
Of course my fucking stupid sister wasn't/isn't here. She's out of town for Aca-Deca shit. Everything about her annoys the fuck out of me. And i don't think anyone really gets why i dislike her so much, but i guess when you're treated the way she treats me you'll have intense feelings of dislike for her that might seem irrational to others but so warranted from your perspective. She's rude, selfish, self-absorbed, snotty, she takes everything she has for granted and she's just an all around bitch for me to be around 98% of the time now. It really makes me sad, because there was a time for a while where she and i were friends, when she knew pretty much everything that was up with me and i the same for her.
It used to be that i could say i was going somewhere and i would ask if she wanted to come along and she would go and talk to me. I used to be able to say hey want to watch Buffy/Angel/Veronica Mars/Six Feet Under and she would watch an episode with me. There was a time when she wanted to go to a concert and didn't have any friends that could go or wanted to go but she really wanted to so i went with her. I hated all the bands but i knew she wanted to go and i went with her.
Now it's gotten to the point that if i want to ask her to go to Target with me i have to work up my courage for about 5 minutes bracing myself for the snotty look or the rejection i know she's about to deliver to me, and then if she does say yes, she's on the phone in the car and in the store, sometimes ditching me to go talk to friends who work at the store. I have completely given up ever asking her to watch Buffy or anything else with me, and i have gotten to where i am embarrassed to refernce Buffy or Angel in front of her, whereas just months ago we used to have whole text message conversations in Buffy speak, trading quotes and laughing our asses off.
I know she feels morally, socially, and intellectually superior to me and maybe she is, I dont know, but it just hurts. Everything is about her, her school shit, her boyfriend and her friends. She ignores everyone and everything going on in her home and with her family, the people who have always been with her, when she didn't have a group of friends to go hang out with and a boyfriend to do whatever the fuck she does with him, when said boyfriend became the dickwad we all knew him to be and broke up with her only to come sleazing back soon after. She acts like M is a nusiance half the time and that pisses me off more than a lot of the other shit she does, because you don't get to treat my brother that way.
I mean i know she's all hoighty-toighty going off to college soon and moving out so don't you think that would mean you would take advantage of the last couple of months you're going to be living at home and be nicer to everyone? Well, not her. She takes it all for granted and just expects it to come for her and happen when she wants it how she wants it. I've said it before, but if i had the same fucking advantages that she's had i would have been at a university already and probably graduated.
But then again maybe not because since I've been a semi-mother to both my siblings since my sister was born I guess i have a stronger bond to them and more specifically my brother and just the thought of leaving him to go to college and pursue whatever the fuck it is people in their 20s want to pursue, makes me so sad, it just becomes unimaginable for me to leave him. So she can leave if she hates us all so fucking much and can't wait to live in a stink hole with her boyfriend and never go to class and mooch off of her family that she doesn't live with, I'll take my beautiful brother any day.
Basically the situation with her makes me so sad mostly because there was this glimpse of what could have been, but deep down i know that how it was will never be again, she and i will never be friends or close like we were and a part of me is ok with that, because you can only be hurt by a person so many times before you just go "ok you know what, I've gotta protect myself and I'm tired of looking like the dumbass."
So anyway I'm sure I'll remember some other fucked up situation with my family that i wanted to talk about after i publish but oh well, it'll have to wait for another post cuz I'm done talking about them.
Work is work, it gives me money to pay off my credit cards lol and that's a good thing. It is helping me to realize that maybe I don't really want to work with kids after all no matter how well i can work with them.
William, my beautiful cat is doing much better. He's started running up and down the stairs again and jumping on to the couch and beds again so that's good news. It means his stiches don't hurt as much maybe and hopefully soon his wanderlust will slow down a whole bunch too.
I'm still trying to find a decent iPod armband for my beautiful 80GB video iPod so that i can start "running" again. I think i found one but damn its harder to find one with good reviews than i thought. I so want to lose weight and get healthy. I dont even want to necessarily be a size 6 (althought i would be lying if i said i didnt dream about that) but i want to tone and slim things and just be more healthy about the choices i make and the foods i eat. I want to look good in the dress i bought when my ambitions were high and the mirrors told lies.
I recently finished the entire series of "Six Feet Under" again. Well actually i hadn't seen the first season and some of the second season the first time i watched it when it aired on HBO. But this time i watched it all because i bought the complete series in December and good God that show is awesome. Still, i dont think as good as Buffy the Vampire Slayer but one of the best shows ever created in my humble opinion. I sobbed like a mad woman during the series finale. I would have a hard time deciding if SFU or Angel would come in second for my favorite. I'm not even gonna try to decide that now.
Well i suppose that's it for now. I've gone and developed carpal tunnel syndrome (...and can tragically no longer carry a flashlight...! what's it from??!!), that's what i get for not updating on a regular basis.
"Stars looking at a planet, watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane" "Stars" by Switchfoot
Night.
posted by Not This Girl, Not This Day at 2:17 AM
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