Tears stream down your face...
So, here's the thing, my grandfather, my dad's dad is very very sick. He has cancer in his liver, cancer in his lungs and all kinds of other ailments. We just found out about this very recently. My family is very lonerish, and by family i mean me, my sister, my brother and my parents. We don't really visit and stay in constant communication with very many of our extended family because to be honest, we really don't like very many of them.
I know that sounds awful but I'm sure you know what i mean, sometimes you just can't believe you're a part of that right? Anyway, so we don't always know whats going on, we're not always in the loop on everything. So the other day my aunt, well my great aunt, but thats just being technical, who is like one of the very few people on my mother's side that we regularly communicate with and visit, was here in town to visit my great uncle because he was in the hospital as well. I'm not sure what he was in the hospital for but i dont think it was anything super severe, anyway my mom went up there with my aunt one time to see him, but mostly to keep my aunt company, and when she was leaving, she saw one of my aunts, another great aunt, from my dad's side there as well.
My mom told me later when she told me that this aunt said she had been trying to call us for a day, but she only has our house phone, we don't use our house phone, we all use our cells now, but anyway so she hadn't been able to get ahold of my dad to tell him what was wrong. So my mom told my dad and after work he went to see him. That's when he told us afterwards that our grandpa had cancer in his liver (they didnt yet know about the cancer in his lungs) and other ailments. So the next day my dad and my uncle (my dad's brother) went and saw him and then later my uncle came over to bring my sister that damn graphing calculator, and my uncle got a call while he was there. It was one of my aunts a great aunt or one of my regular aunts (my dad's sisters) i do not know, but they told my uncle about the cancer in his lungs and i could see my dad kind of tear up.
It was so weird because literally one minute before that we had all been laughing and talking and then bam! silence and sadness. That night they thought that the cancer would be able to be treated and workable. But today when my dad was talking to us about my grandpa (who btw is really my dad's stepdad, but his real dad was an asshole i think and never really a big or good part of their life, and i never knew him at all, i have always thought of this man as my true grandfather) he told us that the doctors told them the cancer had spread too much and wasnt really going to be able to treated too much (i guess he found this out that morning from my uncle or something), there just wasnt much they could do anymore and the prognosis was like 6 months to a year. When he said this he visibly choked up a little bit.
Anyway he was going to visit him later and me and my brother had to take my sister to the airport for her journalism trip and take my mom to work and then he and i were going to go run some errands so we werent there when he got back. But when we got home he was there and he looked so sad. But i suck at this kind of stuff, i want to ask him whats going on and find out what's going to happen but im not good at doing this, so i just didnt ask. After about an hour, in which we talked about the Tech game (shameful) and the booksale i had to go get my mom. On the way there i was so sad for my dad. I put on my John Mayer c.d. "Continuum" maybe his best yet. Anyway i put it on track 5 "Heart of Life" and i started to cry, like bigtime cry. Here are the lyrics:
THE HEART OF LIFE
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it’s nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it’s good
God, those are so simple, yet absolutely some of the most beautiful lyrics i have ever heard. The first time i heard this song i cried because it made me think of my sister. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, whom she cared deeply for, and she was really sad about it and these lyrics perfectly conveyed everything that i wanted to say to her but couldn't.
Then today when i was in the car i put it on and damn, i couldn't stop crying, the lyrics are everything i wish i could say to my dad as well, but can't. It's just so beautiful and heartbreaking. And you know what i feel the worst about? It's that what I'm most sad about is that my dad is sad, not that my grandpa is sick. That sounds so awful but its true. Like i said, we dont really see any of them very often, its probably been years since we saw them last, and don't get me wrong, i am sad for him, there was a time when we used to see him a lot and there was this thing we used to do where he and i would hug and i would squeeze him as hard as i could, we used to laugh about it all the time.
I love him and the really sad thing is that he is our last living grandparent. All of my other grandparents have passed away, he's the last link of that kind for my siblings and I and that is a tremendous loss and of great sadness for me. But what makes me saddest is that my dad is sad and hurting, that hurts me and makes me even sadder than the situation my grandpa is in. So back to the John Mayer c.d. I then put it on song 7 which is "Stop This Train" and cried even harder. Here are the lyrics:
STOP THIS TRAIN
No I’m not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can’t sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?
Don’t know how else to say it
I don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?
So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight”
“You’ll renegotiate”
“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly, we’ll never stop this train”
Once in a while, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed its moving in
I know I can’t
Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train
Damn, i think that might be my most favoritest song from him ever, even beating out "Why Georgia" which had previously held that spot. Anyway I had loved this song from the moment i heard it and cried immediately the first time i heard this one as well. It describes me so well. It says everything that i think about and don't know if other people think about or worry about.
And i cried in the car when i heard it today on the way to get my mom because it made me think of my parents and my dad and his dad. The line "don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go" always gets me and this time especially it just rang so true. I feel so awful for my dad right now and I dont want to ever have to feel like this myself, the way my dad feels right now, and i know someday i will and that feeling is suffocating and scary and it hurts me to think about it all. I wish there was something i could say to my dad to let him know that i am always here for him, that i can't possibly understand what he's going through but that i feel so tremendously for him and wish there was a way to make that pain and hurting stop, but i dont know what to say or how to say it, so i say nothing and feel bad.
Maybe i can burn him the c.d. and tell him 5 and 7 are my favorites make sure you listen to them and he'll get the message i'm trying to send to him. Sometime I'll have to post more about "Stop This Train" because i feel like there is more i can say about that song, pertaining more to me, and therefore not really fitting in with this post, but i just had to mention them. Sometimes life really sucks, but as John Mayer says,
"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"
Night.
I know that sounds awful but I'm sure you know what i mean, sometimes you just can't believe you're a part of that right? Anyway, so we don't always know whats going on, we're not always in the loop on everything. So the other day my aunt, well my great aunt, but thats just being technical, who is like one of the very few people on my mother's side that we regularly communicate with and visit, was here in town to visit my great uncle because he was in the hospital as well. I'm not sure what he was in the hospital for but i dont think it was anything super severe, anyway my mom went up there with my aunt one time to see him, but mostly to keep my aunt company, and when she was leaving, she saw one of my aunts, another great aunt, from my dad's side there as well.
My mom told me later when she told me that this aunt said she had been trying to call us for a day, but she only has our house phone, we don't use our house phone, we all use our cells now, but anyway so she hadn't been able to get ahold of my dad to tell him what was wrong. So my mom told my dad and after work he went to see him. That's when he told us afterwards that our grandpa had cancer in his liver (they didnt yet know about the cancer in his lungs) and other ailments. So the next day my dad and my uncle (my dad's brother) went and saw him and then later my uncle came over to bring my sister that damn graphing calculator, and my uncle got a call while he was there. It was one of my aunts a great aunt or one of my regular aunts (my dad's sisters) i do not know, but they told my uncle about the cancer in his lungs and i could see my dad kind of tear up.
It was so weird because literally one minute before that we had all been laughing and talking and then bam! silence and sadness. That night they thought that the cancer would be able to be treated and workable. But today when my dad was talking to us about my grandpa (who btw is really my dad's stepdad, but his real dad was an asshole i think and never really a big or good part of their life, and i never knew him at all, i have always thought of this man as my true grandfather) he told us that the doctors told them the cancer had spread too much and wasnt really going to be able to treated too much (i guess he found this out that morning from my uncle or something), there just wasnt much they could do anymore and the prognosis was like 6 months to a year. When he said this he visibly choked up a little bit.
Anyway he was going to visit him later and me and my brother had to take my sister to the airport for her journalism trip and take my mom to work and then he and i were going to go run some errands so we werent there when he got back. But when we got home he was there and he looked so sad. But i suck at this kind of stuff, i want to ask him whats going on and find out what's going to happen but im not good at doing this, so i just didnt ask. After about an hour, in which we talked about the Tech game (shameful) and the booksale i had to go get my mom. On the way there i was so sad for my dad. I put on my John Mayer c.d. "Continuum" maybe his best yet. Anyway i put it on track 5 "Heart of Life" and i started to cry, like bigtime cry. Here are the lyrics:
THE HEART OF LIFE
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it’s nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it’s good
God, those are so simple, yet absolutely some of the most beautiful lyrics i have ever heard. The first time i heard this song i cried because it made me think of my sister. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, whom she cared deeply for, and she was really sad about it and these lyrics perfectly conveyed everything that i wanted to say to her but couldn't.
Then today when i was in the car i put it on and damn, i couldn't stop crying, the lyrics are everything i wish i could say to my dad as well, but can't. It's just so beautiful and heartbreaking. And you know what i feel the worst about? It's that what I'm most sad about is that my dad is sad, not that my grandpa is sick. That sounds so awful but its true. Like i said, we dont really see any of them very often, its probably been years since we saw them last, and don't get me wrong, i am sad for him, there was a time when we used to see him a lot and there was this thing we used to do where he and i would hug and i would squeeze him as hard as i could, we used to laugh about it all the time.
I love him and the really sad thing is that he is our last living grandparent. All of my other grandparents have passed away, he's the last link of that kind for my siblings and I and that is a tremendous loss and of great sadness for me. But what makes me saddest is that my dad is sad and hurting, that hurts me and makes me even sadder than the situation my grandpa is in. So back to the John Mayer c.d. I then put it on song 7 which is "Stop This Train" and cried even harder. Here are the lyrics:
STOP THIS TRAIN
No I’m not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can’t sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?
Don’t know how else to say it
I don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?
So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight”
“You’ll renegotiate”
“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly, we’ll never stop this train”
Once in a while, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed its moving in
I know I can’t
Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train
Damn, i think that might be my most favoritest song from him ever, even beating out "Why Georgia" which had previously held that spot. Anyway I had loved this song from the moment i heard it and cried immediately the first time i heard this one as well. It describes me so well. It says everything that i think about and don't know if other people think about or worry about.
And i cried in the car when i heard it today on the way to get my mom because it made me think of my parents and my dad and his dad. The line "don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go" always gets me and this time especially it just rang so true. I feel so awful for my dad right now and I dont want to ever have to feel like this myself, the way my dad feels right now, and i know someday i will and that feeling is suffocating and scary and it hurts me to think about it all. I wish there was something i could say to my dad to let him know that i am always here for him, that i can't possibly understand what he's going through but that i feel so tremendously for him and wish there was a way to make that pain and hurting stop, but i dont know what to say or how to say it, so i say nothing and feel bad.
Maybe i can burn him the c.d. and tell him 5 and 7 are my favorites make sure you listen to them and he'll get the message i'm trying to send to him. Sometime I'll have to post more about "Stop This Train" because i feel like there is more i can say about that song, pertaining more to me, and therefore not really fitting in with this post, but i just had to mention them. Sometimes life really sucks, but as John Mayer says,
"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"
Night.
posted by Not This Girl, Not This Day at 4:03 AM
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