There's not enough yuck in the world...

So, people, well most people suck. Yesterday my mom took my car to go to the gym and while she was in the gym, someone used a crowbar and pried open my window which busted it completely and stole my mom's purse, which admittedly she shouldn't have done but still no way is this something to blame on her.

It's very hard not to be upset with her because she should know better than to leave her purse out in the open in the car but she did and you know what people shouldn't go breaking into people's cars ever, especially at 9:30 in the morning, dumbasses. Anyway they also took my XM radio. Not the whole hook up thing, they just unhooked it from the wires and stole that, which is stupid but I'm sure they will either figure out a way to sell it or use it or they just are truly evil and wanted to take what i had in there cuz theyre lazy stupid dumbasses who don't care about anyone but themselves.

My mom had luckily enough already put a hold on her card a few days prior to this for reasons i know not, but my brother's bankcard was also in there and they did try ot use that one but i think we were lucky because i think he had like nothing on there. But they immediately took it and bought gas using it. I hate them and hope they get their hands smashed by a fucking sledgehammer and then are forced to eat the broken bones.

There was also a check my dad had given her for the car my sister is supposed to be getting soon so we were worried about that cuz it didn't say who it was made out to, and it was signed but lucky again, my dad called this morning and was able to cancel the check but unfortunately he was charged a big fat fee for cancelling it, god banks will look for anyway to make a buck off you.

I also called Eddie Bauer and was able to talk to someone about maybe cancelling the giftcard she had in her purse because we still had the receipt and the giftcard was worth 50 bucks, so they said they would research it and then hopefully be able to send her a new one. Which i don't really like the way that sounds, like maybe they won't issue her a new one, i mean hello it was stolen and i still have the number and I'm asking you to cancel the old one and issue a new one i don't know what there is to research but whatever. She was also able to cancel the old gift certificate she had from a salon for a massage and get a new one issued, but she had her calendar in there with all her stuff, all her nice makeup and the book she was reading.

It just really sucks that people are that low and despicable that they truly don't care and would break in and steal and use people's things. We don't have tons and we are certainly not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but we do ok and we all work hard to have the nice things we do have and for someone to say you know what fuck that I'm gonna go and just steal the shit i want, pisses me off beyond anything. I mean how fucking lazy and worthless and scum off the bottom of the sewer pathetic.

Also, last night i was super tired and as i was drifting off to sleep i was either dreaming i was Veronica Mars, lol or hazily thinking that if Veronica Mars were my friend she would know exactly where to start looking and who to talk to and how to go about finding the stolen purse. I watch too much television.

Anyway the window was fixed very quickly yesterday but it was like 126 bucks so that sucks.

Other than that not much going on. I'm going out tonight for a little bit. I suck at going out. I never know how dressed up to get or not get, how much to drink or not drink, i don't really like to drink truth be told, and I think I'm just generally awkward and shy around people i dont know. Charm i was not blessed with. Oh well, it'll be good to see my bestest friend, even if i am clinging to his pant leg like a child 70% of the time, lol. Ok, well my fingers are tired and i have to go paint my fucking toenails, one of the drawbacks to going out. xoxo


"horny and burnout now is how it always ends for me and
chemicals wear me down in your summertime bacchanalian
I saw her go faster than the morning comes
she walks away like a lady
it's always the fallen ones I think are always going to save me"
"Faster" Third Eye Blind
Not a whole lot of sentiment here, just love this song, love the lyrics Stephan Jenkins is awesome and Third Eye Blind owns a piece of my heart.

I wonder if the Doublemeat Palace is hiring...

So, I have decided that i pretty much am tired of my job. I have worked with the family that i work for for 4 years just about and I have grown tired of it. I have been off of work for about 3 weeks now and I still don't want to go back.

I guess some of that could be due to the fact that i am generally a lazy person and don't wish to do anything more than stay home, sleep till noon, watch Buffy, read some fanfic (my new found passion), and listen to iTunes or my iPod. Thats it, but really i would like to have a job, i enjoy getting to do something sometimes lol, plus the money is nice, but i just don't want to do what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know how to tell her and how to go about doing it. That's a pretty big change. I have been with this family for 4 years, i was there before the last baby was born, i have never not been a part of his life, and i love them all so much, they are good to me beyond measure and they love me as well.

I just am tired of the job. I need something new, maybe i need to go back to school. And that would make my mom superbly happy, of course she thinks i could go full time and not have to have a job, but poor, deluded mom, i need a job, i have credit card bills to pay that i would rather she not see, lol.

I have been thinking about doing a podcast for a couple of weeks now. I know the "market" is saturated with them right now, but it just seems like so much fun to be able to talk about whatever you want, you're in charge and you can run the whole thing.

I think it would be fun, but then again I'm not exactly miss. intelligent beyond all reason enough to think of cool and interesting topics, my podcast would consist of "i think Spike's hot, oh yeah, i think Spike's damn sexy, and oh yeah did i mention how adorable and fuckable Spike is in that scene! Not exactly something to get me tons of subscribers, lol.

It's 6:30 in the morning and I am not tired at all. I just finished reading this fantastic fanfic called "Older" by nautibitz, who's on livejournal and at nautibitz.com and damn it was awesome. That's why I'm so wide awake right now i think. I think i want to write a fanfic too. I know i know, i was so against it all, but now I feel foolish again, much like i did for not wanting to watch Buffy long ago because it sounded stupid.

Something that I would really like to write about is Spike and Dawn, and no, not Spawn stuff pertaining to sex or kinky stuff, as i think that particular ship is referred to, lol, but like a nice Season 7 thing where they reconcile after all that's happened. I hated that Dawn and Spike never got to be friends like they were in Seasons 5 and 6. Oh well, that's all i can think of for now.

I'll just slip out and get that Doublemeat Palace application, ooh, especially if sex with Spike in the alley is part of the job description, cause, i wouldn't look nearly as disinterested! I joke, i love Buffy and know that she was unhappy but still damn woman, he's fucking hot. Ok, I'll stop there, too much fanfic. Night.

"i know i'm young but if i had to choose her or the sun
i'd be one nocturnal son of a gun" "Cupid's Chokehold" Gym Class Heroes

I pretty much hate this song, but for some reason this line always makes my heart melt a little, I'm a softie, what can i say?!

Fathers be good to your daughters...

So, what I always worried about and feared would happen in the back of my mind has happened. My dad left us again. For a while now, it hasn't been a funhouse around here. For a while it was so nice, and then it just sort of fell apart seemingly all of a sudden, though i suppose that when you think back on it, it wasn't sudden at all, but a long time coming.

A little while before my dad went on his first business trip he and my mom became really testy with eachother and I thought it would just wear off. My dad came back and ever since then it has been crap around here. He's always sick and has headaches and heartburn and is sleepy at like 8 in the evening. My mom is argumentative and always looking for something to fight with him about. I have been trying so hard to make them both happy, watching Angel and Buffy with my dad and hanging out downstairs with him and then trying really hard to be nice to my mom too.

I have just been trying to make sure that I haven't been nicer to one than the other, making sure that I'm treating them both equally and doing stuff with both of them and trying to get them to be nicer to eachother and talk. Apparently on one of the 2 business trips that he took he met a lady and they began talking and he told my mom that he had met someone who he really enjoyed spending time with and that made him realize he wasn't always a mean, ugly person. My mom told me that, and then she said she was gonna start talking to this guy she used to date again.

The fighting between them just kept getting worse and i just kept trying to make it better, trying to give my dad a reason to stay and be happy, and trying to make my mom feel included by my dad and just make her try to be nice. Finally, i heard them have a big fight again the other night and my mom was telling him he needed to just get over it and figure out when he was going to move out. He said, fine I'll leave friday. I had kind of forgotten about it, those kinds of idle threats have been tossed around several times before this.

Anyway so friday morning at around 7:30 am i was still awake(!) and was just trying to go to sleep and i noticed that my dad still hadn't left for work yet. that worried me a little, but he hadn't felt really well the night before so i thought that maybe he was just going to stay home. Well at like 12:30 in the afternoon he came in to my room and woke me up and told me blah blah, he was leaving, he couldn't stay here anymore, he was tired of fighting with my mom, tired of being sick and tired all the time. He just said he felt ugly inside and didn't want to feel that way anymore. I didn't say anything just nodded my head and listened to him.

After he left i couldn't sleep anymore so i got up and took a shower, and got ready to take my mom to work and then go to the store. My sister was going to spend the night at a friends house so i asked her when she planned to leave she said she didn't know, that pissed me off, because i needed to know if i needed to take my brother with me or not since i wasn't sure when my dad was leaving. I told her she needed to figure it out, and i was really pissed at her, my dad was like hey chill out, quit being like that and got really mad at me, he came out and was gonna start bitching at me and i said, i'm tired of being nice to her, im tired of being nice, just leave me alone, leave me alone. He looked all pissed off and then he went inside and we didn't talk the rest of the day.

Finally at like 7:15 that evening we had to leave for my brother's baseball scrimmage and took separate cars. After the game he gave my brother a big hug, said he loved him and said he had to go with me, and i said "should i take his bag" and he said "no" and i said "are you sure" and he was all nasty and he said "why" and then i just said "whatever" and walked to the car.

I am so furious with him, with my mom and with my sister. Here i was trying so hard, bending over backwards to make it all ok with everyone, and nobody else even tried. My mom just wanted to snark and bitch and make it worse, my dad just wanted to sit and brood and be mean to my mom and act sick and depressed all the time, and my sister who takes everything for granted just wanted to lock herself up in her room on the phone and Myspace all the time, not caring about what was going on.

I am mad at my dad because, and this sounds stupid but means a lot to me, we were watching Angel together and he was all gung ho about it, and even Thursday night he was watching Angel with me, as though we were just going to be watching it for a while, and when i made a comment about us being almost through, with just 2 and half seasons left for him of "new" Whedon material he just acted as though yep, that's how it was we were gonna watch it all, it's hard to explain what i mean but i know what i mean. Plus, just the other day he said he wanted to start Buffy again, watching the entire series through and i said yeah, that would be good. I just think it was so cruel for him to say those things, to make me think he was going to do that with me, knowing full well that he wasn't.

My mom pisses me off because while all this was going on she acted totally bitchy too, fighting for the sake of fighting and making it worse than it had to be, being rude and then being all fakey and semi-clingy. She joked about emailing the guy and dating him to get a car and blah blah, and now she wants to act like she's all shocked and disappointed and had nothing to do with his leaving, as though it was just him, that he was the one who was a craphead and had a midlife crisis. She certainly had a hand in his leaving. Plus, i've been really upset the past 2 days and she wants to act like I'm being whiny or being a bitch because I'm upset about it. She's already said twice, "this isn't my fault your dad wanted to leave" and i keep thinking, yes, it is partly your fault.

And my sister, she never tried to help me. She didn't care about what was going on, she didn't care that our little bubble was bursting and she didn't try to help me make it better. She hid away and acted as though she was too good for all this shit, on the phone the majority of the time she's awake, upstairs in her room all the time, coming down for maybe an hour if you add up all her little 5 minute visits downstairs. Always gone so she doesn't have to deal, just assuming that whatever was going on would work its way out, not wanting to exert a little effort, and i hate her for that and it's killing me.

I just feel so embarrassed about it all. I keep thinking of Buffy's line from "Life Serial" where she's talking to Spike, and she says something about "stupid Buffy, too dumb for college, too strong for construction work...". I just keep thinking stupid family, too boring for him and too something i don't know, just something not ever, ever good enough to keep him here. He's left us like 5 times, we're just never good enough for him. Thankfully some of those times were before my brother was born but still he's left him more than once too.

so embarrassed that all these people are gonna know he was here and that once again he's left us. I'm just so pissed off and hurt and confused. I hate that once again, he fooled me into believing he was here to stay, to help take care of us and make things whole. I fall for it everytime and everytime i have, i have ended up feeling stupid and embarassed for believing it. I wish i could just shut him out and not have to be hurt when he does what is inevitable, but i never can, i guess it's just natural to want your dad to be a good guy, you want to believe him. Well i always do and look where it gets me, everytime, it might take longer sometimes, but the ending point is always the same.

And i hate how now, every song i hear can relate to how i'm feeling in some form or fashion, it makes me feel stupid and like maybe i was so miss superiority nothing can touch me and now im getting that attitude rubbed in my face by having to feel this way. Today i was listening to John Mayer and this song "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" and it made me cry. That song has never made me cry before and I've heard it several times.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....


now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
and would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.

It's clearly about a girl and their romantic relationship, but i related it to me and what's going on, he says "the waking up is the hardest part, you roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe" and that part just hit me.

This morning i didn't want to wake up because i knew that it was going to be a day with out him here, and not just at work or on a business trip, he's really gone and once i got up, i was gonna have to deal with that. I was gonna have to go about doing what we do on Saturday knowing that he wasn't here and wasn't coming home. I dreamt about him last night, that he sent someone to the house to find everything that was his so that he could take it all and i yelled at the guy who came to do it and wouldn't let him, but then i had to.

This morning i kept waking up and looking out the window half-expecting his car to be out front because he had come to get the rest of his stuff. I'm just so mad at him, he had us all make brackets for March madness and said he was gonna print them off and that he was gonna contribute 20 bucks to a pool and that whoever got the most would win the money, why do that when you know you're leaving? He never printed them off for us and i dont know how to get to the ones we made.

Tomorrow when i wake up he wont be there, having been awake for 5 hours when i wake up and having already read the paper, and be watching a basket ball game, he won't ask me if I'm hungry and what I'm hungry for. He won't tell me, "go get Angel so we can watch some, this game is boring". I hate him for that, and i hate him because it makes me so sad, mostly because of that. I just want to shut him out, turn it off but i can't and it hurts and it sucks that i tried and it was unnoticed and for nothing, it did no good, he left and i hurt and i hate it. I hate that he made me feel secure, that he made me feel like he was gonna be here, like i could be secure in the fact that my dad was here to help me and hang out with me and give me money if i needed it and watch t.v. with me, he lied and he just leaves me with the messy aftermath.

I hate that he left my brother, that my brother is going to have to deal with this, and he's not a baby who doesn't know what's going on, he's old enough to understand what's going on but young enough to not understand as well. I'm mad at my mom for not being more responsible, for not having good credit to get us another car so that this whole thing isn't more difficult than its already gonna be with just my car. I'm mad that I'm upset about something so trivial and stupid as that. I hate that now she's talking to me about us moving to some two bedroom apartment. And i can't leave, i can't leave my brother, no matter where we are, as much as this hurts, it would hurt 10 thousand times more to have my brother be away from me.

I feel like a fool. I fee like Buffy says in "The Prom", "i can't breathe, Will, it feels like i can't breathe", that's how i feel right now, just so hurt and abandoned. I tried and it wasn't good enough, i wasn't good enough, and i hate that i feel like I'm acting like a 5 year old about all this, i know i am, but i thought that i could try and things would get better eventually, that everyone would be nicer, they would try and we would go back to playing Trvial Pursuit together and watching House and eating dinner together.

I feel so stupid, I'm so angry with myself. I dread having to wake up tomorrow and get through the day and the next and the next. I want it to stop and it sucks cause i know it won't. Watching Angel feels empty, I know what happens in the show, i was watching so i could show him what happens, watching basketball makes me feel sad and going downstairs at night is sad because where he would have had the t.v. on and been down there, now its dark and quiet and empty. I hate this all and don't know what i could have done to make it all better, i don't know what we can do to finally be what he wants, to finally be good enough for him to stay.

"on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too" "Daughters" by John Mayer


I hate to think how I'll love someday.
Night.

So a decade (and a couple of days) ago...

Buffy the Vampire Slayer premiered on the WB, and i wasn't there. Do you have any idea how often that thought drives me crazy? I wasn't one of the cool kids who could see that this show was going to be something amazing, i wasn't on the ground floor of the masterpiece work known as Buffy. I was 12 years old when Buffy premiered, so i guess i was in 7th grade, possibly 6th, i can't really remember, and to be honest i probably didn't really know that it was even on T.V. for a while.

But i can fuzzily remember sometimes watching TV and seeing promos for Buffy and possibly Angel and thinking, "Ha, only nerds watch those shows, how weird are those things!" and feeling quite smug and superior that i wasn't silly enough or nerdy enough to watch those. Thinking this now makes me want to cry very nearly, because had i not been so snobby i might have been able to get in there and could say i was a supporter of the show even when it was on the air. Instead i came to Buffy the Vampire Slayer a little more than 2 years after it had been off the air.

Everyday since I watched "Welcome to the Hellmouth" in 2005 has been filled with Buffy or connected to the Buffyverse in some form or fashion. I love it and am so proud to be a Joss/Buffy/Angel fan. I like Firefly and Serenity as well just not on as obsessive a level as the others. I have a shirt that says, "Joss Whedon is my master now", and sure i like Star Wars, but no where near loved it or was obsessed with it, i just wanted people to know that i loved Joss Whedon and wasn't afraid to advertise that love.

I had a big Buffy marathon on Saturday and watched "Welcome to the Hellmouth" of course, and then just watched whatever other episodes i felt like watching. My love for this show goes beyond what i can come up with to type, say or write, it's all-encompassing, consuming, joyful, obsessive love and i wouldn't have it any other way.

I only wish i had been a bit older when the show first premeired, maybe then i would have been able to overcome my snobbery and i would be here saying, "i remember the day the show premiered and how i just knew it was gonna be cool", instead I'm here now wishing i had been there then, but oh well, i think in the end all that matters is that I'm here now and i love it and when i go to bed at night, visions of the Buffyverse swirl in my dreams. Thanks Joss.

I suppose you could say it was long overdue...

So, today i fucking hit a car. It wasn't a big accident as car accidents go, but anytime you hit your car against anything it's not hugs and puppies. I say long overdue because I've been driving for a few years now and never hit anything, most people i know have had at least a small fender bender, so it was inevitable.

So, here we are, my brother, me and my sister, going home from school and getting something to eat. I stop at the stop sign, look and then go and the next thing i know i hear a horn honk, and bam, there's this fucking car in front of me and i slam on the brake but its too late, i bump the car. I hit the right rear end of her car with the left front fender of my car. I was like "shit" and then got my insurance stuff. She had already gotten out of her car and was walking around it checking for damage. I was dying inside.

I got out, saw the like foot and half long scrape on my front fender and then crossed the street to go talk to her. She came up and said, "Well i dont have any damage, it's ok, i think that's yours (she pointed to my fucking license plate in the middle of the street, (luckily it was a residential street, not super busy) and then turned around and got back in her car. I got my license plate and walked back to my beautiful, and now blemished car. I was so fucking pissed. Everyone was ok, except it turned out my stupid ass sister wasn't wearing a seat belt and ended up scratching her leg somehow and there's a bruise on her calf now.

Anyway, i was so glad the lady didn't ask for my insurance info and all that, because then i would have been screwed. I mean i have full coverage but that shit is just something i didn't want to have to deal with. Anyway, i tried to think of scenario that could place the blame on someone else but then i just decided that there was nothing i could think of that would sound plausible and just had to go with the truth. Luckily, i had just left the stop sign after coming to a complete stop, so i wasn't going fast at all and i was able to brake slightly before impact so that's why i say bump and not crash, semantics, my friend, all semantics.

Anyway, i called my dad when i got home, he's out of town right now for work again, and told him what had happened. He was as i knew he would be, calm and reassuring about the whole situation. He told me it wouldn't even be something we would report to the insurance company because it wouldn't be covered by the deductables but that if it was just the front fender we could get it painted for around $100. So I'll pay for that, my dad said i won't, he will, but it was my fault so i want to pay for it.

I'm just glad it wasn't worse and I'm so glad my brother and sister were ok and that William wasn't with us as he so often is. I feel awful that i was wreckless like that with my brother in the car. I know people say this all the time, but the car just seemed to come out of nowhere because i looked and then went and bam it was there. It sucks because my car is so beautiful and it pains me to look at it with a big black scape on it now but it will get fixed and be beautiful again and luckily my mom and dad were cool and realized that it wasn't something to freak out on me about.

In other news, today my boss was a complete and total bitch. She was like seriously PMSing or something. Usually she's totally cool and we talk and laugh about stuff together, today, not sure if it was cuz i asked for tomorrow off so i could do the "Suess on the Loose" thing with my brother at his school in the afternoon, or what, but she was just generally unpleasant today. Oh well, they don't own me and my brother is more important anyday.

Right now William is going crazy, running around everywhere and chasing invisible things. I love him.

Baseball practice has started again for my brother!!! I love baseball season for him. I love the practices and the games and the general excitement around it all. After a while, they get to be a bit much sometimes, but that's rare and for the most part we all love it. I love that he's so good at baseball. It makes me glad that he's one of the best out there and that when he goes up to bat or when he's playing first base i can rest easy knowing that 98% of the time he's gonna do a damn good job.

Well, i suppose that's all for now. Damn, when i post a bit more frequently it really does make me look like a loser lol, cuz then i don't have near as much to fill a post. Oh well, I am what i am.

"Then it comes to you how it all slips away
Youth and beauty are gone one day
No matter what you dream or feel or say
It ends in dust and disarray

Like wind on the plains, sand through the glass
Waves rolling in with the tide
Dreams die hard and we watch them erode
But we cannot be denied
The fire inside" "The Fire Inside" by Bob Seger

So fucking sad, but so true.
Night.