Fathers be good to your daughters...
So, what I always worried about and feared would happen in the back of my mind has happened. My dad left us again. For a while now, it hasn't been a funhouse around here. For a while it was so nice, and then it just sort of fell apart seemingly all of a sudden, though i suppose that when you think back on it, it wasn't sudden at all, but a long time coming.
A little while before my dad went on his first business trip he and my mom became really testy with eachother and I thought it would just wear off. My dad came back and ever since then it has been crap around here. He's always sick and has headaches and heartburn and is sleepy at like 8 in the evening. My mom is argumentative and always looking for something to fight with him about. I have been trying so hard to make them both happy, watching Angel and Buffy with my dad and hanging out downstairs with him and then trying really hard to be nice to my mom too.
I have just been trying to make sure that I haven't been nicer to one than the other, making sure that I'm treating them both equally and doing stuff with both of them and trying to get them to be nicer to eachother and talk. Apparently on one of the 2 business trips that he took he met a lady and they began talking and he told my mom that he had met someone who he really enjoyed spending time with and that made him realize he wasn't always a mean, ugly person. My mom told me that, and then she said she was gonna start talking to this guy she used to date again.
The fighting between them just kept getting worse and i just kept trying to make it better, trying to give my dad a reason to stay and be happy, and trying to make my mom feel included by my dad and just make her try to be nice. Finally, i heard them have a big fight again the other night and my mom was telling him he needed to just get over it and figure out when he was going to move out. He said, fine I'll leave friday. I had kind of forgotten about it, those kinds of idle threats have been tossed around several times before this.
Anyway so friday morning at around 7:30 am i was still awake(!) and was just trying to go to sleep and i noticed that my dad still hadn't left for work yet. that worried me a little, but he hadn't felt really well the night before so i thought that maybe he was just going to stay home. Well at like 12:30 in the afternoon he came in to my room and woke me up and told me blah blah, he was leaving, he couldn't stay here anymore, he was tired of fighting with my mom, tired of being sick and tired all the time. He just said he felt ugly inside and didn't want to feel that way anymore. I didn't say anything just nodded my head and listened to him.
After he left i couldn't sleep anymore so i got up and took a shower, and got ready to take my mom to work and then go to the store. My sister was going to spend the night at a friends house so i asked her when she planned to leave she said she didn't know, that pissed me off, because i needed to know if i needed to take my brother with me or not since i wasn't sure when my dad was leaving. I told her she needed to figure it out, and i was really pissed at her, my dad was like hey chill out, quit being like that and got really mad at me, he came out and was gonna start bitching at me and i said, i'm tired of being nice to her, im tired of being nice, just leave me alone, leave me alone. He looked all pissed off and then he went inside and we didn't talk the rest of the day.
Finally at like 7:15 that evening we had to leave for my brother's baseball scrimmage and took separate cars. After the game he gave my brother a big hug, said he loved him and said he had to go with me, and i said "should i take his bag" and he said "no" and i said "are you sure" and he was all nasty and he said "why" and then i just said "whatever" and walked to the car.
I am so furious with him, with my mom and with my sister. Here i was trying so hard, bending over backwards to make it all ok with everyone, and nobody else even tried. My mom just wanted to snark and bitch and make it worse, my dad just wanted to sit and brood and be mean to my mom and act sick and depressed all the time, and my sister who takes everything for granted just wanted to lock herself up in her room on the phone and Myspace all the time, not caring about what was going on.
I am mad at my dad because, and this sounds stupid but means a lot to me, we were watching Angel together and he was all gung ho about it, and even Thursday night he was watching Angel with me, as though we were just going to be watching it for a while, and when i made a comment about us being almost through, with just 2 and half seasons left for him of "new" Whedon material he just acted as though yep, that's how it was we were gonna watch it all, it's hard to explain what i mean but i know what i mean. Plus, just the other day he said he wanted to start Buffy again, watching the entire series through and i said yeah, that would be good. I just think it was so cruel for him to say those things, to make me think he was going to do that with me, knowing full well that he wasn't.
My mom pisses me off because while all this was going on she acted totally bitchy too, fighting for the sake of fighting and making it worse than it had to be, being rude and then being all fakey and semi-clingy. She joked about emailing the guy and dating him to get a car and blah blah, and now she wants to act like she's all shocked and disappointed and had nothing to do with his leaving, as though it was just him, that he was the one who was a craphead and had a midlife crisis. She certainly had a hand in his leaving. Plus, i've been really upset the past 2 days and she wants to act like I'm being whiny or being a bitch because I'm upset about it. She's already said twice, "this isn't my fault your dad wanted to leave" and i keep thinking, yes, it is partly your fault.
And my sister, she never tried to help me. She didn't care about what was going on, she didn't care that our little bubble was bursting and she didn't try to help me make it better. She hid away and acted as though she was too good for all this shit, on the phone the majority of the time she's awake, upstairs in her room all the time, coming down for maybe an hour if you add up all her little 5 minute visits downstairs. Always gone so she doesn't have to deal, just assuming that whatever was going on would work its way out, not wanting to exert a little effort, and i hate her for that and it's killing me.
I just feel so embarrassed about it all. I keep thinking of Buffy's line from "Life Serial" where she's talking to Spike, and she says something about "stupid Buffy, too dumb for college, too strong for construction work...". I just keep thinking stupid family, too boring for him and too something i don't know, just something not ever, ever good enough to keep him here. He's left us like 5 times, we're just never good enough for him. Thankfully some of those times were before my brother was born but still he's left him more than once too.
so embarrassed that all these people are gonna know he was here and that once again he's left us. I'm just so pissed off and hurt and confused. I hate that once again, he fooled me into believing he was here to stay, to help take care of us and make things whole. I fall for it everytime and everytime i have, i have ended up feeling stupid and embarassed for believing it. I wish i could just shut him out and not have to be hurt when he does what is inevitable, but i never can, i guess it's just natural to want your dad to be a good guy, you want to believe him. Well i always do and look where it gets me, everytime, it might take longer sometimes, but the ending point is always the same.
And i hate how now, every song i hear can relate to how i'm feeling in some form or fashion, it makes me feel stupid and like maybe i was so miss superiority nothing can touch me and now im getting that attitude rubbed in my face by having to feel this way. Today i was listening to John Mayer and this song "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" and it made me cry. That song has never made me cry before and I've heard it several times.
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
and would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
It's clearly about a girl and their romantic relationship, but i related it to me and what's going on, he says "the waking up is the hardest part, you roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe" and that part just hit me.
This morning i didn't want to wake up because i knew that it was going to be a day with out him here, and not just at work or on a business trip, he's really gone and once i got up, i was gonna have to deal with that. I was gonna have to go about doing what we do on Saturday knowing that he wasn't here and wasn't coming home. I dreamt about him last night, that he sent someone to the house to find everything that was his so that he could take it all and i yelled at the guy who came to do it and wouldn't let him, but then i had to.
This morning i kept waking up and looking out the window half-expecting his car to be out front because he had come to get the rest of his stuff. I'm just so mad at him, he had us all make brackets for March madness and said he was gonna print them off and that he was gonna contribute 20 bucks to a pool and that whoever got the most would win the money, why do that when you know you're leaving? He never printed them off for us and i dont know how to get to the ones we made.
Tomorrow when i wake up he wont be there, having been awake for 5 hours when i wake up and having already read the paper, and be watching a basket ball game, he won't ask me if I'm hungry and what I'm hungry for. He won't tell me, "go get Angel so we can watch some, this game is boring". I hate him for that, and i hate him because it makes me so sad, mostly because of that. I just want to shut him out, turn it off but i can't and it hurts and it sucks that i tried and it was unnoticed and for nothing, it did no good, he left and i hurt and i hate it. I hate that he made me feel secure, that he made me feel like he was gonna be here, like i could be secure in the fact that my dad was here to help me and hang out with me and give me money if i needed it and watch t.v. with me, he lied and he just leaves me with the messy aftermath.
I hate that he left my brother, that my brother is going to have to deal with this, and he's not a baby who doesn't know what's going on, he's old enough to understand what's going on but young enough to not understand as well. I'm mad at my mom for not being more responsible, for not having good credit to get us another car so that this whole thing isn't more difficult than its already gonna be with just my car. I'm mad that I'm upset about something so trivial and stupid as that. I hate that now she's talking to me about us moving to some two bedroom apartment. And i can't leave, i can't leave my brother, no matter where we are, as much as this hurts, it would hurt 10 thousand times more to have my brother be away from me.
I feel like a fool. I fee like Buffy says in "The Prom", "i can't breathe, Will, it feels like i can't breathe", that's how i feel right now, just so hurt and abandoned. I tried and it wasn't good enough, i wasn't good enough, and i hate that i feel like I'm acting like a 5 year old about all this, i know i am, but i thought that i could try and things would get better eventually, that everyone would be nicer, they would try and we would go back to playing Trvial Pursuit together and watching House and eating dinner together.
I feel so stupid, I'm so angry with myself. I dread having to wake up tomorrow and get through the day and the next and the next. I want it to stop and it sucks cause i know it won't. Watching Angel feels empty, I know what happens in the show, i was watching so i could show him what happens, watching basketball makes me feel sad and going downstairs at night is sad because where he would have had the t.v. on and been down there, now its dark and quiet and empty. I hate this all and don't know what i could have done to make it all better, i don't know what we can do to finally be what he wants, to finally be good enough for him to stay.
"on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too" "Daughters" by John Mayer
I hate to think how I'll love someday.
Night.
A little while before my dad went on his first business trip he and my mom became really testy with eachother and I thought it would just wear off. My dad came back and ever since then it has been crap around here. He's always sick and has headaches and heartburn and is sleepy at like 8 in the evening. My mom is argumentative and always looking for something to fight with him about. I have been trying so hard to make them both happy, watching Angel and Buffy with my dad and hanging out downstairs with him and then trying really hard to be nice to my mom too.
I have just been trying to make sure that I haven't been nicer to one than the other, making sure that I'm treating them both equally and doing stuff with both of them and trying to get them to be nicer to eachother and talk. Apparently on one of the 2 business trips that he took he met a lady and they began talking and he told my mom that he had met someone who he really enjoyed spending time with and that made him realize he wasn't always a mean, ugly person. My mom told me that, and then she said she was gonna start talking to this guy she used to date again.
The fighting between them just kept getting worse and i just kept trying to make it better, trying to give my dad a reason to stay and be happy, and trying to make my mom feel included by my dad and just make her try to be nice. Finally, i heard them have a big fight again the other night and my mom was telling him he needed to just get over it and figure out when he was going to move out. He said, fine I'll leave friday. I had kind of forgotten about it, those kinds of idle threats have been tossed around several times before this.
Anyway so friday morning at around 7:30 am i was still awake(!) and was just trying to go to sleep and i noticed that my dad still hadn't left for work yet. that worried me a little, but he hadn't felt really well the night before so i thought that maybe he was just going to stay home. Well at like 12:30 in the afternoon he came in to my room and woke me up and told me blah blah, he was leaving, he couldn't stay here anymore, he was tired of fighting with my mom, tired of being sick and tired all the time. He just said he felt ugly inside and didn't want to feel that way anymore. I didn't say anything just nodded my head and listened to him.
After he left i couldn't sleep anymore so i got up and took a shower, and got ready to take my mom to work and then go to the store. My sister was going to spend the night at a friends house so i asked her when she planned to leave she said she didn't know, that pissed me off, because i needed to know if i needed to take my brother with me or not since i wasn't sure when my dad was leaving. I told her she needed to figure it out, and i was really pissed at her, my dad was like hey chill out, quit being like that and got really mad at me, he came out and was gonna start bitching at me and i said, i'm tired of being nice to her, im tired of being nice, just leave me alone, leave me alone. He looked all pissed off and then he went inside and we didn't talk the rest of the day.
Finally at like 7:15 that evening we had to leave for my brother's baseball scrimmage and took separate cars. After the game he gave my brother a big hug, said he loved him and said he had to go with me, and i said "should i take his bag" and he said "no" and i said "are you sure" and he was all nasty and he said "why" and then i just said "whatever" and walked to the car.
I am so furious with him, with my mom and with my sister. Here i was trying so hard, bending over backwards to make it all ok with everyone, and nobody else even tried. My mom just wanted to snark and bitch and make it worse, my dad just wanted to sit and brood and be mean to my mom and act sick and depressed all the time, and my sister who takes everything for granted just wanted to lock herself up in her room on the phone and Myspace all the time, not caring about what was going on.
I am mad at my dad because, and this sounds stupid but means a lot to me, we were watching Angel together and he was all gung ho about it, and even Thursday night he was watching Angel with me, as though we were just going to be watching it for a while, and when i made a comment about us being almost through, with just 2 and half seasons left for him of "new" Whedon material he just acted as though yep, that's how it was we were gonna watch it all, it's hard to explain what i mean but i know what i mean. Plus, just the other day he said he wanted to start Buffy again, watching the entire series through and i said yeah, that would be good. I just think it was so cruel for him to say those things, to make me think he was going to do that with me, knowing full well that he wasn't.
My mom pisses me off because while all this was going on she acted totally bitchy too, fighting for the sake of fighting and making it worse than it had to be, being rude and then being all fakey and semi-clingy. She joked about emailing the guy and dating him to get a car and blah blah, and now she wants to act like she's all shocked and disappointed and had nothing to do with his leaving, as though it was just him, that he was the one who was a craphead and had a midlife crisis. She certainly had a hand in his leaving. Plus, i've been really upset the past 2 days and she wants to act like I'm being whiny or being a bitch because I'm upset about it. She's already said twice, "this isn't my fault your dad wanted to leave" and i keep thinking, yes, it is partly your fault.
And my sister, she never tried to help me. She didn't care about what was going on, she didn't care that our little bubble was bursting and she didn't try to help me make it better. She hid away and acted as though she was too good for all this shit, on the phone the majority of the time she's awake, upstairs in her room all the time, coming down for maybe an hour if you add up all her little 5 minute visits downstairs. Always gone so she doesn't have to deal, just assuming that whatever was going on would work its way out, not wanting to exert a little effort, and i hate her for that and it's killing me.
I just feel so embarrassed about it all. I keep thinking of Buffy's line from "Life Serial" where she's talking to Spike, and she says something about "stupid Buffy, too dumb for college, too strong for construction work...". I just keep thinking stupid family, too boring for him and too something i don't know, just something not ever, ever good enough to keep him here. He's left us like 5 times, we're just never good enough for him. Thankfully some of those times were before my brother was born but still he's left him more than once too.
so embarrassed that all these people are gonna know he was here and that once again he's left us. I'm just so pissed off and hurt and confused. I hate that once again, he fooled me into believing he was here to stay, to help take care of us and make things whole. I fall for it everytime and everytime i have, i have ended up feeling stupid and embarassed for believing it. I wish i could just shut him out and not have to be hurt when he does what is inevitable, but i never can, i guess it's just natural to want your dad to be a good guy, you want to believe him. Well i always do and look where it gets me, everytime, it might take longer sometimes, but the ending point is always the same.
And i hate how now, every song i hear can relate to how i'm feeling in some form or fashion, it makes me feel stupid and like maybe i was so miss superiority nothing can touch me and now im getting that attitude rubbed in my face by having to feel this way. Today i was listening to John Mayer and this song "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" and it made me cry. That song has never made me cry before and I've heard it several times.
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
and would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
It's clearly about a girl and their romantic relationship, but i related it to me and what's going on, he says "the waking up is the hardest part, you roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe" and that part just hit me.
This morning i didn't want to wake up because i knew that it was going to be a day with out him here, and not just at work or on a business trip, he's really gone and once i got up, i was gonna have to deal with that. I was gonna have to go about doing what we do on Saturday knowing that he wasn't here and wasn't coming home. I dreamt about him last night, that he sent someone to the house to find everything that was his so that he could take it all and i yelled at the guy who came to do it and wouldn't let him, but then i had to.
This morning i kept waking up and looking out the window half-expecting his car to be out front because he had come to get the rest of his stuff. I'm just so mad at him, he had us all make brackets for March madness and said he was gonna print them off and that he was gonna contribute 20 bucks to a pool and that whoever got the most would win the money, why do that when you know you're leaving? He never printed them off for us and i dont know how to get to the ones we made.
Tomorrow when i wake up he wont be there, having been awake for 5 hours when i wake up and having already read the paper, and be watching a basket ball game, he won't ask me if I'm hungry and what I'm hungry for. He won't tell me, "go get Angel so we can watch some, this game is boring". I hate him for that, and i hate him because it makes me so sad, mostly because of that. I just want to shut him out, turn it off but i can't and it hurts and it sucks that i tried and it was unnoticed and for nothing, it did no good, he left and i hurt and i hate it. I hate that he made me feel secure, that he made me feel like he was gonna be here, like i could be secure in the fact that my dad was here to help me and hang out with me and give me money if i needed it and watch t.v. with me, he lied and he just leaves me with the messy aftermath.
I hate that he left my brother, that my brother is going to have to deal with this, and he's not a baby who doesn't know what's going on, he's old enough to understand what's going on but young enough to not understand as well. I'm mad at my mom for not being more responsible, for not having good credit to get us another car so that this whole thing isn't more difficult than its already gonna be with just my car. I'm mad that I'm upset about something so trivial and stupid as that. I hate that now she's talking to me about us moving to some two bedroom apartment. And i can't leave, i can't leave my brother, no matter where we are, as much as this hurts, it would hurt 10 thousand times more to have my brother be away from me.
I feel like a fool. I fee like Buffy says in "The Prom", "i can't breathe, Will, it feels like i can't breathe", that's how i feel right now, just so hurt and abandoned. I tried and it wasn't good enough, i wasn't good enough, and i hate that i feel like I'm acting like a 5 year old about all this, i know i am, but i thought that i could try and things would get better eventually, that everyone would be nicer, they would try and we would go back to playing Trvial Pursuit together and watching House and eating dinner together.
I feel so stupid, I'm so angry with myself. I dread having to wake up tomorrow and get through the day and the next and the next. I want it to stop and it sucks cause i know it won't. Watching Angel feels empty, I know what happens in the show, i was watching so i could show him what happens, watching basketball makes me feel sad and going downstairs at night is sad because where he would have had the t.v. on and been down there, now its dark and quiet and empty. I hate this all and don't know what i could have done to make it all better, i don't know what we can do to finally be what he wants, to finally be good enough for him to stay.
"on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too" "Daughters" by John Mayer
I hate to think how I'll love someday.
Night.
posted by Not This Girl, Not This Day at 4:18 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home