Reasons why I don't believe...

So, sometimes there are things that happen in my life that just reaffirm my feelings of disbelief in a higher power or something beyond just this life and then being returned to the earth when we die.

So first we moved here and found out like 4 days after we moved here that the man next door to us is a convicted sex offender. I was so creeped out by that and still am to be honest but he's kept to himself ever since the first time he talked to my brother and the other 2 kids, but it's creepifying nonetheless.

Anyway, the other day my brother's cousin was spending the night and the next day they were swimming and stuff and my mom was out and she called to see if I wanted to go to Walmart with her to get a lawnmower. I said yes and first it was just gonna be me and her but the boys decided they wanted to go too. So we went and were gone for about an hour. We came home the boys went back out to swim and i was inside with my mom doing whatever.

Then i was gonna get my iPod which had been on my bed cuz i listen to it at night every night and i couldn't find it. I thought maybe Willow the puppy had gotten a hold of it and had drug it somewhere but i couldn't find it anywhere. My brother and his cousin came in and they were helping and they were looking in his room and my brother came out and said, "hey my playstation 2 is gone and all my games!!" I was like oh my god and i looked and sure enough they were gone.

I was in shock. We ran and told my mom and i called the police. They took my $350 iPod, my brother's PS2 and about $500-$600 in games and movies. They also took his portable dvd player and his iPod shuffle and my mom's iPod shuffle and a red Gameboy Advance that we had given to the little boy just the night before. They shoved it all in a pillowcase and took off.

Now what kind of a higher power allows for stuff like this to happen? I'm aware that i sound whiny and spoiled and stuff, i know that my crisis, my plight is far less than others, but fuck we all work hard for the stuff we have and we don't make a ton of money. We take care of what we have and for some punk assholes to come and just take it like that is beyond my comprehension.

How could someone walk into what is clearly a little kid's room, what with the glow in the dark painted smiley faces painted on the wall and the poison dart frog pictures on the wall and steal things from him. How could you live with yourself knowing you stole from an innocent little kid? How can you take that money you get from selling it to your shithead friends or use the device and not feel sick inside?

It just isn't fair and just because I am not starving or have cancer doesn't mean that this doesn't suck for us. I know that things could have been worse but why let it happen at all. It just doesn't seem like something a fair and just higher power would allow to happen in the first place. It sucks and i love my iPod so freakin much. It's like my diary, my security blanket, a pride and joy of mine.

If there's a fire, im grabbing my brother, my cat, my buffy dvds and my iPod. My sister was nice and let me borrow hers for now because she says she hasn't used it since she moved out. So I'm using the pink mini which used to be mine but it just isn't the same anymore. I hate whoever took our stuff and hope they suffer a painful and horrible something. That is all.

"God is going to get sick of me
And the accident
That takes the beat from my heart
Will look like it was my fault" "God is Going to Get Sick of Me" Aberdeen City

Night.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

Oh my blogger how I have missed you. I can't believe I have kept this thing up for as long as i have. I just updated my LJ but i wanted to say hello here too. Much has transpired since i posted last but as i said on my LJ i am not in a break it all down and think about it all kind of mood. We moved into our new house its weired and taking some getting used to, but it'll happen. We got a puppy, she's the most adorable little girl ever. Her name is Willow!!!! William is doing fine. He detests Willow, but tolerates her most of the time. My sister moved out and into her new apartment with her boyfriend and it's a little weird and i kinda sorta miss her but i would never ever dream of telling anyone that. I finally read Joss Whedon's Fray and it was amazing. I loved it. And i read the first issue of the new Spike series called Shadow Puppets and that one was cool too. No new Buffy comics all July which bites a big one. My mom and I are almost done with Season 2 of Buffy. We have the "Beginning Pt. 2" and we're finished. I'm surprised she's kept up with it this long. It's very cool. My dad finished all of Angel and loved it. I wish i could have watched with him, but oh well. I guess that's all for now. Glad to have you back bloggy.

"Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good" "Hey There Delilah" by The Plain White T's

Love that song, it's my new favorite song of the moment. Night.

Joss Whedon, you evil, evil man...

So, here I am, its a Sunday night, and all day today I have felt really restless, sad, depressed, and antsy like there's something I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not doing. Part of that is that we're moving on Wednesday and there's so much packing to do I don't know how we're going to get it done.

But a really big part of why I have felt like this is because yesterday and into very early this morning, my friends and I had our Buffyfest. We watched 15 episodes and had 2 more to watch but we didn't get to them. Anyhow the Buffyfest was a complete and total blast, it was so amazing being able to watch episode after episode of Buffy and not have to say, "do you want to watch another one" or worry about someone falling asleep.

However, the last two episodes we watched were "Chosen" and "The Body", back to back. It was tough. I usually sob like a crazy woman watching "Chosen" and "The Body" but i think i was so worried about sounding and looking like a fool that I forced myself not to cry like i normally would. I teared up at Anya's speech in "The Body" and throughout the entire ep of "Chosen" my stomach was in knots and my heart was beating so fast it was funny.

Anyway, to watch those two eps as the last ones before i went home was a bad idea, because all day i have felt sad and this is why. All i can think about is Spike dying a hero, feeling his soul and finally knowing that Buffy loved him, and YES she did. And then i see Anya and Willow becoming a Goddess and i just get all torn up inside, it's a happy that makes me cry and a sadness that makes me happy, its confusing and its nerdy. I hear the "Chosen" battle music/Buffy and Spike love theme and the Every girl a Slayer music that whole piece of music and i die a little inside because I can see that whole sequence all playing out in my mind and it kills me, good god its so good and everything happening is so amazing, and just gaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!

I mean i watched these eps early this morning, like 4 and 5 in the morning and they are still affecting me this way and have affected my mood all day. Only Joss Whedon and Buffy the Vampire Slayer could affect me this way. My thoughts all day have been crowded with Buffy, Spike, Willow, Anya and everyone else. This is so much more than a television show and dear Lord, my love for it and for the characters and actors and Joss goes beyond words i could use to accurately describe it.

Just wanted to get this down and tell the world I love Joss, I love Spike and everything about the Buffyverse. And oh yes, my friends are the best for doing the Buffyfest and being as nerdy as I am when it comes to this amazing work of art. Joss you are evil indeed, and I love you for it.

Here I am...

So, I'm alive. I'm here, I'm extremely upset right now, but I'm alive nonetheless. I just updated my LiveJournal for the first time in a while, and I felt bad so i decided to update my Blogspot page real fast. For some reason I can't access my blogspot page from AOL anymore, which completely sucks because I prefer this one over LJ, but I use AOL so it's more convenient to just update LJ rather than have to open up Mozilla specifically to use Blogger. Let's see, I hate my sister, I love my brother, city tournaments for his baseball team start today, we're moving to a house where we can have pets and we're going to get a dog, my sister graduated from highschool and will be attending a real university in the fall, my engaged friends are doing well and summer has been alright thus far. Not much else to say. Just wanted to update this thing.

"You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream..." "Just Like Heaven" The Cure

Love that song. Night.

A state of unrest...

So, first off, I have been meaning to write about this for a while but I just haven't worked up the motivation to do so until now. Sometimes i get so lazy about blogging. And for some stupid reason now i can't log onto blogger from aol, which is what i use, i have to use this stupid mozilla shit to get onto blogger, not really a big deal at all, just an annoyance.

Anyway, so what i wanted to happen for my best friend finally happened. He and his ex got back together, just like I knew they would!!! And not only that, but they are engaged!!!! I am beyond happy for him and for both of them really. That was beyond my wildest dreams, I just wanted my friend to get the guy he wanted back, I didn't dare to hope for any more than that, but wham, bam thank you maam, and now look at that, my best friend is getting married. I wish them nothing but happiness and love and all the good things they deserve in life, for the rest of their lives together. I swear, it gave me a happy in my heart like you wouldn't believe.

And, it is a little weird, but not because because it's two gay men getting engaged, but because it's my best friend, that I've known for years and now he's getting fucking married, it just feels surreal and it's totally awesome and new and amazing.

Now, though, that I know my friend is gonna be ok and be happy, I'm free to feel a little jealous about the whole thing. I mean, wow how lucky for him that he's found the person he knows he's meant to be with forever, the person he knows he's going to wake up next to for the rest of his life and never stop loving him. It just seems like it would feel so comfortable and safe and amazing and I want that.

It also makes me feel a little bit more loserish than i already feel, because he's 22 just like me and now he's engaged and is in love with a person who loves him back just as much and they will make a wonderful happy life together. My sister has a boyfriend that she's been with for a long time now, and she's still very much in love with him and their relationship just seems so comfortable and cute and it just makes me feel like a loser.

What is so wrong with me that I can't have this type of thing as well. I mean hell, even my mom and dad are seeing people and getting into relationships. I just suck at this whole thing. I wonder where it all went so horribly wrong for me. I sometimes seriously think that I will really just never get married, have a long term relationship or anything like that. And it's not like a pity party, it's 100% seriousness, I really sometimes just can't imagine myself ever meeting someone who's going to love me like these people love my sister or my best friend.

When I was younger, like a younger teenager, I always imagined I would be married by 22 and have a child by the time i was 25. I was so sure of this lol, and here I am 22 and I don't even have a prospective boyfriend on the horizon. I don't know why that is, well i mean i guess I do. I don't go to school right now, I work at a house with three kids so i don't see new people or grownups at my job, my best friend is gay and has mostly gay friends, and I would much rather stay home and be with my brother (a small part of why is because everytime i leave him i feel guilty, but mostly there is no one in the world i would rather hang out with than him), but even so, when i did go to school and when i did work at the Gap, and hang out with lots of other people, i never had prospective boyfriends on the horizon. I just must give off this unappealing vibe or something.

I've been told I seem snobby, but honestly it's just shyness not snobbery, ok, well some of it might be snobbery but really the majority of that is shyness. And if i do meet guys, it ends up being about sex and only sex. I've talked to guys online and it ends up at the same place, a sexual encounter or 15 with a person and then nothing. You just can't have a relationship with someone you started out using for sex, no matter how badly you want it.

I don't know, maybe there is someone out there who will be right for me, a Buffy loving geek, a music loving freak, a sports connoisseur, an animal lover, someone with a sexual appetite to match my voracious one, a sweet guy who will go to the park with me and push me on the swing, an intelligent, kind guy who loves my brother, and takes me with all my geeky, freakish, quirky ways. I sorta doubt it, but hey stranger things have happened. I mean George W. Bush became President, John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are dating, and Britney Spears shaved her head so anything's possible.

Also, I am starting to stress about money. I am trying to pay off my credit cards, but I'm going to have to quit my job soon, because summer's coming up and my sister is moving in with her boyfriend sometime, my dad is moving very, very soon and will be gone and my mom works all day, so it's me that's gonna be here to take care of my brother and get him where he needs to be and stuff. So, taking care of him and doing his stuff doesn't really mesh with my work schedule at all, so I've already told them I'm not going to be able to work for them anymore, and they have said they are really said about it but understand, and have repeatedly told me that anytime during the summer when i have a free day where I don't have to watch my brother and stuff and I want to work to just let them know and they would absolutely love it.

It's nice to feel needed, lol. And I might take them up on that offer. I mean, in theory getting another job shouldn't be super hard, I did it once for extra Christmas money, but that was before I was the one that had to watch my brother during the day. Now, I want or need to find something where i could work at night that way my mom would be home and could be with my brother. And the only place i can think of is Wal-Mart, and I just don't know if I can. It's snobbery plain and simple, but I might have to just get rid of that and try for a job there. So, if anyone is reading this and knows where I can get an overnight job I'm your girl.

And it pisses me off and makes me sad, when I'm telling my sister this and she just kinda doesn't even really say anything. I guess I just want her to be like, "you know what, I'll stay home, I won't move in with him yet, I'll help you out, we'll work it out together," but she never does. It's like she feels she has no obligation to us or whatever. And i certainly wouldn't let her do that, but the offer would be nice just to know that she realizes this is rough for me, so i know she's thinking about someone besides herself, you know?

Oh, well, at least she's doing what makes her happy, that's what everyone should do. I will never regret the things I do for my brother. I love him more than anything on this whole entire planet and everything i do for him is with 100% happiness and love and devotion.

Man, do i have issues or what?! Lol, not anything too bad, i don't think, I mean as far as like how bad off I am I'm pretty lucky to have nothing too severe to worry about, I know there are lots of people out there who have it worse than I could even imagine, but that doesn't mean I don't think things suck for me sometimes. And if I can't whine about that here, than where?

And oh yes, the other day at my brother's baseball game, he was pitching, and my dad was being a total asshole to him, yelling and embarrassing him and just being over all jerky cuz he wasn't doing so well.

My and my sister we're really getting pissed off with this and told him to stop being so mean and loud when he passed by us and he told us to shut up. I said, "you're leaving soon and the last things he's gonna remember are you yelling at him and being mean all the time," and he said something meaningless and then he said something i didn't hear so i asked my sister what he said and she said he said, "That's why a week isn't soon enough" he meant before he leaves, and so i walked over to where he was sitting in the dugout and hissed at him, "that's why a week isn't soon enough for him" speaking about my brother.

I mean, what a fucking jerk, I'm ready for him to be gone. I'm tired of him being a jerk and hurting my feelings and being mean to my brother. Good riddance.

Also, at another game we played at the MLK fields the other day, the umpire was a total asshole, kicked one of our coaches out and then threatened to call the cops on him and when my mom asked why he was gonna call the cops to have him arressted, he said, "you can find out maam when they arrest you too," and they cheated us out of game time, we were only down by one point and were up to bat next, we had just played defense and held them and got three outs and were going to bat but then they were like, "game time has expired" and all hell broke loose.

People started yelling about game time not expiring and then the players from the other team went up to the fence where our parents were sitting and taunted them and were ugly to them. They got yelled at by their coaches and that umpire was still being a jerk. Everyone of the parents from our team was pissed off with all of those people and it was crap for our team, cuz they so would have won that game but there were cheated out of it. Our head coach said we won't be playing games there anymore, so I'm happy about that.

Guess that's all the whine I have for tonight, that I can think of anyway.

"i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
a window and a pigeon with a broken wing
you can spend your whole life working for something
just to have it taken away
people walk around pushing back their desks
wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about death
every little heart beat, every little breath
people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge
carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons..." "Ain't No Reason" Brett Dennen

It's a really, beautiful, amazing song, that just caught my attention the first time i listened to it. Almost makes me cry.

Night.

Why my blog title is appropriate...

So, in the past week or so lots of shit has happened that has just been crazy, for lack of a better word.

So first off, there was the baseball shit that had been going on. Mind you I'm talking about little league baseball when i speak about the incidents that have occured.

So, basically there are parents who have kids on the team who resent the kids on the team who play infield, my brother being one of them, first base to be exact, because they're damn good and get to play often and their kids rarely go to practice and don't try as hard as some of the other kids do and some of them shouldn't even be there, but they sure do feel like they have the right to complain about playing time and how the coaches run the team, and "i guess our kids have to have a dad coaching the team for our kid to get any play time" which is complete and total fucked up bullshit.

So the other day at the game, the group of moms was complaing blah blah fucking blah, throughout the whole game and then at the end, my mom came over and was sitting on the bleachers and heard them talking and interjected asking them if they thought it was fair if their kids didn't come to practice but still got to play a large part of the game.

Well this set them off and caused a big fight in which i got exasperated and threw my hands up in the air when one of the moms said she was going to go get the president of our division of the little league association, or whatever, and i said, "great more tattletaling, and this fat, stupid bitch who was the cause of all the problems in the first place got right up in my face and said, "thats right little girl and you need to stay out of the adult business" like in my face yelling at me and i was like, "you don't have any right to get up in my face and yell at me," and my mom put her finger on that bitch's arm and said, "don't you dare talk to my daughter like that," to which this lady said, "don't push me, i could press charges against you, ya'll saw that right, (she said this to the other bitch moms who were complaing with her and they were like, "mmmhmm" and all shaking their heads, and my god, i swear on John Mayer and Lola and Lenny and Spike that my mother did not push her, i was standing right fucking there, that fucking woman has issues and she's pathetic.

So to make a long story short, we had another fucking team meeting a few days later in which people yelled and the dumbass president said, "yall need to get along, have a barbeque or something" and i wanted to punch his nasty face, and after it was over the player agent for the little league was talking to me, my mom and the coach and a friend of ours and said that the lady had called the police to her house and pressed charges against my mom! Can you fucking believe that? I sure as hell can't. I mean, where in the world does someone get the balls to call up the police and tell them a baldfaced lie and potentially fuck up someones life with something they know good and goddamn well isn't true? So far nothing has happend and we have tons of people who will attest to the fact that that didn't happen, but I don't know what's going on with this now, i haven't heard anything else, so who knows.

I just hate those ladies and their fucking smug faces, especially the other day when we had a game and the coach made my brother, and the regular infielders sit out the whole game minus 5 minutes altogether to make those moms happy. He'll be back at first base for today's game so I'll be the one looking smug. Fuck you very much you bunch of fucking liars and fucked up bitches.

Also, today this stupid bitch who had yelled at my mom and me at my brother's school before when my mom asked the other woman if she could move her car up just a little so my mom could fit in behind her to which the lady replied that no she couldn't and my mom said, "thanks that's so kind of you" and they proceeded to yell and curse at us.

Well the other lady who wasn't the driver was in a different car today, i totally didn't know it was her and she was parked in this wrong spot, but there was another car in front of me and i was just waiting very patiently behind that car, when the girl in the car, the bitch turned around and saw me looking in that direction, which hello i'm driving that way, and saw me, gave me this ugly look and said, "what, do you have a problem?" and i kinda smiled all smugly, like you're one crazy bitch, and said "no".

She was like, "well then why are you staring?" and i was like i wasn't" and she was like, "you needa quit staring you got a problem, blah blah" and i was like, "maam, you've really got some anger issues, i think you really need some therapy maam" and finally the other car started to move as i was telling her this and she was all, "well, whatever" and i was like "please go to therapy" and moved ahead, it was hilarious, but what the fuck ever bitch, it's not my fault your life is fucked up, go take it out on the people who deserve your fucked up shit, cuz it's not me.

And finally today my dad came over and told us they offered him a job in El Paso with a huge pay increase and he took it. I already knew about it, cuz my mom found out on accident and told my sister who told me and so i had to pretend like i didn't know but even though i did know, i still cried as he was talking to us.

I think it was cuz it was a little sad, yes, but i was watching my brother and his eyes were all teared up and he was trying so hard not to cry and my sister was just sitting there like it all bored her, and i was so sad for my baby brother. He eventually started crying and my dad just held him and they talked and then went out to throw the football for a while and it was sad.

It's gonna be weird, him being gone, but it's a big pay increase and if we actually get to benefit from that money it will be great, but i know my dad's promises and his grand plans and they don't always work out the way he says they will, so I'm not really holding my breath over that.

But this new development, him leaving town, within the next couple of weeks, and my sister graduating within the next two months and moving in with her boyfriend has made it very clear to me, if it wasn't already, that my current job is not going to survive these major changes.

So, i had to tell them that yes, they should probably start looking for someone new to replace me once summer rolls around, because my dad won't be here, my mom works during the day and most of the evening and who knows when my sister will be gone, so it's me baby, I'm gonna be taking care of my brother and now I've got to start looking for a job where i could work at night, that would be ideal.

It sounds so awful, but a part of me wants my sister and her boyfriend to break up or decide that they can't move in together just yet, so that she can stay here longer and help me out so i don't feel like it's just me.

This is why i relate to David from "Six Feet Under" so well. He has to stay behind and deal with the family stuff while his older brother checks out and does his own thing and his sister is the baby of the family so she doesn't have to do anything, it's just him and sometimes he really resents it all but in the end he knows he has to do what he's doing and he's a better person for it.

I love my brother and would do anything for him, no matter how hard i think it might be, i don't resent him, i resent the choices i have made and the choices I'm being forced to make because of the things other people in my family are choosing to do.

It's like, "well I'm gonna do this, and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna go do this, so that leaves me, and its like they assume my life is a fuck up anyway i won't mind being the leftover or whatever, and it's not taking care of my brother and making the decision to leave my job so i can watch him over the summer and get him from school and all that with more ease, it's the fact that everyone else, in some way or form, just looks to me and knows i'll do it.

It's hard to explain without sounding like a brat and maybe that's what i am, but that's how i feel right now. Well ok, I need to go to bed so hopefully i can get up tomorrow and do all the stuff I'm supposed to do.

Entropy is one of my favorite words, i just love the word itself and its meaning is cool, i don't remember the exact scientific definition, but it's kind of like the tendency for things in the universe to go from calm and settled to chaos and disaray, i love the word, i just don't like living through it. Tara was so right, "Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard."

"still everything happens for a reason
is no reason not to ask yourself if you are
living it right" "Why Georgia" John Mayer

Quite possibly my favorite line in a song ever, i love it, it gives me chills everytime i hear it, and it just makes me think. It's really appropriate right now. Night.

A 4 friend...

So, tonight i got to hang out with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and just talk for a few hours. We hadn't done that in forever. It was the most fun I've had in a long time.

It was so great to just finally be able to talk about the stuff i want to talk about with him that's not always the best conversation material when you're on your cell phones driving in the car or something. It just made me realize how lucky i am to have someone as great as he is. Some people don't have a best friend, someone they can tell absolutely everything to, no matter how silly or stupid or depressing or dark it is, and know that that friend is gonna listen and know where you're coming from or try to at least, and still love you after it's all said and done.

That's what i have and i am so fucking lucky, i know that. I should definitely be a better friend, because he's just so awesome that sometimes i think i don't deserve to have someone be as good to me as he is.

We just talked about all the baseball shit going on with my brothers team and those fucking lying ass bitches that piss me the fuck off and I will have to blog about that another time, i have not the strength to deal with that right now, and we talked about him and his breakup, i read a blog he posted on his myspace and i swear to god, if i had been alone and read that i would have cried, i had to try hard not to, and we talked about where we are in our lives and about trying to do better, we talked about sugar and caffeine, (i thought sugar was caffeine, he said it wasn't, he won that round) and we just talked about music and stuff.

I also told him about this time i remembered from when we were in like 9th grade, or maybe it was the summer before 10th grade, and we were reading something in this magazine that was talking about friendship and it gave different rankings to different kinds of friends, from like 5 which was a best friend, the closest person to you that you can tell everything to, and 4 being a really good friend but not someone you share everything with and so on, and after we read it i remember asking him what he would rank me and he said, "hmmm, i guess you would be a 4" and i told him that really made me sad, and i was like, "oh, a 4, that's cool" in this like kind of hurt, dejected tone, and then i remember he said, "no i guess i would say you're a 5" and we just laughed and laughed about it.

People just don't realize how lucky i am to have him, or maybe they do and they're really jealous as they well should be. So basically my best friend rocks the fucking house and everyone else should be supremely jealous, and hey, if my sister says i said, gay friends are awesome for several reasons one of which is because they're a status symbol like having a labradoodle, don't believe her, it's fucking lies, lol.

I suppose that's it, I'll come back and write about the baseball fucked up shit going on another time.

"I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well." "New Slang" The Shins

Don't know why i love this song so much, I'm not 100% sure what it all means, but i love the lyrics and i love the sound so there you go. Night.