Things Fall Apart, They Fall Apart So Hard

Reasons why I don't believe...

2007-08-10T02:25:00.000-05:00

So, sometimes there are things that happen in my life that just reaffirm my feelings of disbelief in a higher power or something beyond just this life and then being returned to the earth when we die.

So first we moved here and found out like 4 days after we moved here that the man next door to us is a convicted sex offender. I was so creeped out by that and still am to be honest but he's kept to himself ever since the first time he talked to my brother and the other 2 kids, but it's creepifying nonetheless.

Anyway, the other day my brother's cousin was spending the night and the next day they were swimming and stuff and my mom was out and she called to see if I wanted to go to Walmart with her to get a lawnmower. I said yes and first it was just gonna be me and her but the boys decided they wanted to go too. So we went and were gone for about an hour. We came home the boys went back out to swim and i was inside with my mom doing whatever.

Then i was gonna get my iPod which had been on my bed cuz i listen to it at night every night and i couldn't find it. I thought maybe Willow the puppy had gotten a hold of it and had drug it somewhere but i couldn't find it anywhere. My brother and his cousin came in and they were helping and they were looking in his room and my brother came out and said, "hey my playstation 2 is gone and all my games!!" I was like oh my god and i looked and sure enough they were gone.

I was in shock. We ran and told my mom and i called the police. They took my $350 iPod, my brother's PS2 and about $500-$600 in games and movies. They also took his portable dvd player and his iPod shuffle and my mom's iPod shuffle and a red Gameboy Advance that we had given to the little boy just the night before. They shoved it all in a pillowcase and took off.

Now what kind of a higher power allows for stuff like this to happen? I'm aware that i sound whiny and spoiled and stuff, i know that my crisis, my plight is far less than others, but fuck we all work hard for the stuff we have and we don't make a ton of money. We take care of what we have and for some punk assholes to come and just take it like that is beyond my comprehension.

How could someone walk into what is clearly a little kid's room, what with the glow in the dark painted smiley faces painted on the wall and the poison dart frog pictures on the wall and steal things from him. How could you live with yourself knowing you stole from an innocent little kid? How can you take that money you get from selling it to your shithead friends or use the device and not feel sick inside?

It just isn't fair and just because I am not starving or have cancer doesn't mean that this doesn't suck for us. I know that things could have been worse but why let it happen at all. It just doesn't seem like something a fair and just higher power would allow to happen in the first place. It sucks and i love my iPod so freakin much. It's like my diary, my security blanket, a pride and joy of mine.

If there's a fire, im grabbing my brother, my cat, my buffy dvds and my iPod. My sister was nice and let me borrow hers for now because she says she hasn't used it since she moved out. So I'm using the pink mini which used to be mine but it just isn't the same anymore. I hate whoever took our stuff and hope they suffer a painful and horrible something. That is all.

"God is going to get sick of me
And the accident
That takes the beat from my heart
Will look like it was my fault" "God is Going to Get Sick of Me" Aberdeen City

Night.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

2007-07-02T02:42:00.000-05:00

Oh my blogger how I have missed you. I can't believe I have kept this thing up for as long as i have. I just updated my LJ but i wanted to say hello here too. Much has transpired since i posted last but as i said on my LJ i am not in a break it all down and think about it all kind of mood. We moved into our new house its weired and taking some getting used to, but it'll happen. We got a puppy, she's the most adorable little girl ever. Her name is Willow!!!! William is doing fine. He detests Willow, but tolerates her most of the time. My sister moved out and into her new apartment with her boyfriend and it's a little weird and i kinda sorta miss her but i would never ever dream of telling anyone that. I finally read Joss Whedon's Fray and it was amazing. I loved it. And i read the first issue of the new Spike series called Shadow Puppets and that one was cool too. No new Buffy comics all July which bites a big one. My mom and I are almost done with Season 2 of Buffy. We have the "Beginning Pt. 2" and we're finished. I'm surprised she's kept up with it this long. It's very cool. My dad finished all of Angel and loved it. I wish i could have watched with him, but oh well. I guess that's all for now. Glad to have you back bloggy.

"Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good" "Hey There Delilah" by The Plain White T's

Love that song, it's my new favorite song of the moment. Night.

Joss Whedon, you evil, evil man...

2007-06-17T21:35:00.000-05:00

So, here I am, its a Sunday night, and all day today I have felt really restless, sad, depressed, and antsy like there's something I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not doing. Part of that is that we're moving on Wednesday and there's so much packing to do I don't know how we're going to get it done.

But a really big part of why I have felt like this is because yesterday and into very early this morning, my friends and I had our Buffyfest. We watched 15 episodes and had 2 more to watch but we didn't get to them. Anyhow the Buffyfest was a complete and total blast, it was so amazing being able to watch episode after episode of Buffy and not have to say, "do you want to watch another one" or worry about someone falling asleep.

However, the last two episodes we watched were "Chosen" and "The Body", back to back. It was tough. I usually sob like a crazy woman watching "Chosen" and "The Body" but i think i was so worried about sounding and looking like a fool that I forced myself not to cry like i normally would. I teared up at Anya's speech in "The Body" and throughout the entire ep of "Chosen" my stomach was in knots and my heart was beating so fast it was funny.

Anyway, to watch those two eps as the last ones before i went home was a bad idea, because all day i have felt sad and this is why. All i can think about is Spike dying a hero, feeling his soul and finally knowing that Buffy loved him, and YES she did. And then i see Anya and Willow becoming a Goddess and i just get all torn up inside, it's a happy that makes me cry and a sadness that makes me happy, its confusing and its nerdy. I hear the "Chosen" battle music/Buffy and Spike love theme and the Every girl a Slayer music that whole piece of music and i die a little inside because I can see that whole sequence all playing out in my mind and it kills me, good god its so good and everything happening is so amazing, and just gaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!

I mean i watched these eps early this morning, like 4 and 5 in the morning and they are still affecting me this way and have affected my mood all day. Only Joss Whedon and Buffy the Vampire Slayer could affect me this way. My thoughts all day have been crowded with Buffy, Spike, Willow, Anya and everyone else. This is so much more than a television show and dear Lord, my love for it and for the characters and actors and Joss goes beyond words i could use to accurately describe it.

Just wanted to get this down and tell the world I love Joss, I love Spike and everything about the Buffyverse. And oh yes, my friends are the best for doing the Buffyfest and being as nerdy as I am when it comes to this amazing work of art. Joss you are evil indeed, and I love you for it.

Here I am...

2007-06-02T04:25:00.000-05:00

So, I'm alive. I'm here, I'm extremely upset right now, but I'm alive nonetheless. I just updated my LiveJournal for the first time in a while, and I felt bad so i decided to update my Blogspot page real fast. For some reason I can't access my blogspot page from AOL anymore, which completely sucks because I prefer this one over LJ, but I use AOL so it's more convenient to just update LJ rather than have to open up Mozilla specifically to use Blogger. Let's see, I hate my sister, I love my brother, city tournaments for his baseball team start today, we're moving to a house where we can have pets and we're going to get a dog, my sister graduated from highschool and will be attending a real university in the fall, my engaged friends are doing well and summer has been alright thus far. Not much else to say. Just wanted to update this thing.

"You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream..." "Just Like Heaven" The Cure

Love that song. Night.

A state of unrest...

2007-05-11T03:04:00.000-05:00

So, first off, I have been meaning to write about this for a while but I just haven't worked up the motivation to do so until now. Sometimes i get so lazy about blogging. And for some stupid reason now i can't log onto blogger from aol, which is what i use, i have to use this stupid mozilla shit to get onto blogger, not really a big deal at all, just an annoyance.

Anyway, so what i wanted to happen for my best friend finally happened. He and his ex got back together, just like I knew they would!!! And not only that, but they are engaged!!!! I am beyond happy for him and for both of them really. That was beyond my wildest dreams, I just wanted my friend to get the guy he wanted back, I didn't dare to hope for any more than that, but wham, bam thank you maam, and now look at that, my best friend is getting married. I wish them nothing but happiness and love and all the good things they deserve in life, for the rest of their lives together. I swear, it gave me a happy in my heart like you wouldn't believe.

And, it is a little weird, but not because because it's two gay men getting engaged, but because it's my best friend, that I've known for years and now he's getting fucking married, it just feels surreal and it's totally awesome and new and amazing.

Now, though, that I know my friend is gonna be ok and be happy, I'm free to feel a little jealous about the whole thing. I mean, wow how lucky for him that he's found the person he knows he's meant to be with forever, the person he knows he's going to wake up next to for the rest of his life and never stop loving him. It just seems like it would feel so comfortable and safe and amazing and I want that.

It also makes me feel a little bit more loserish than i already feel, because he's 22 just like me and now he's engaged and is in love with a person who loves him back just as much and they will make a wonderful happy life together. My sister has a boyfriend that she's been with for a long time now, and she's still very much in love with him and their relationship just seems so comfortable and cute and it just makes me feel like a loser.

What is so wrong with me that I can't have this type of thing as well. I mean hell, even my mom and dad are seeing people and getting into relationships. I just suck at this whole thing. I wonder where it all went so horribly wrong for me. I sometimes seriously think that I will really just never get married, have a long term relationship or anything like that. And it's not like a pity party, it's 100% seriousness, I really sometimes just can't imagine myself ever meeting someone who's going to love me like these people love my sister or my best friend.

When I was younger, like a younger teenager, I always imagined I would be married by 22 and have a child by the time i was 25. I was so sure of this lol, and here I am 22 and I don't even have a prospective boyfriend on the horizon. I don't know why that is, well i mean i guess I do. I don't go to school right now, I work at a house with three kids so i don't see new people or grownups at my job, my best friend is gay and has mostly gay friends, and I would much rather stay home and be with my brother (a small part of why is because everytime i leave him i feel guilty, but mostly there is no one in the world i would rather hang out with than him), but even so, when i did go to school and when i did work at the Gap, and hang out with lots of other people, i never had prospective boyfriends on the horizon. I just must give off this unappealing vibe or something.

I've been told I seem snobby, but honestly it's just shyness not snobbery, ok, well some of it might be snobbery but really the majority of that is shyness. And if i do meet guys, it ends up being about sex and only sex. I've talked to guys online and it ends up at the same place, a sexual encounter or 15 with a person and then nothing. You just can't have a relationship with someone you started out using for sex, no matter how badly you want it.

I don't know, maybe there is someone out there who will be right for me, a Buffy loving geek, a music loving freak, a sports connoisseur, an animal lover, someone with a sexual appetite to match my voracious one, a sweet guy who will go to the park with me and push me on the swing, an intelligent, kind guy who loves my brother, and takes me with all my geeky, freakish, quirky ways. I sorta doubt it, but hey stranger things have happened. I mean George W. Bush became President, John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are dating, and Britney Spears shaved her head so anything's possible.

Also, I am starting to stress about money. I am trying to pay off my credit cards, but I'm going to have to quit my job soon, because summer's coming up and my sister is moving in with her boyfriend sometime, my dad is moving very, very soon and will be gone and my mom works all day, so it's me that's gonna be here to take care of my brother and get him where he needs to be and stuff. So, taking care of him and doing his stuff doesn't really mesh with my work schedule at all, so I've already told them I'm not going to be able to work for them anymore, and they have said they are really said about it but understand, and have repeatedly told me that anytime during the summer when i have a free day where I don't have to watch my brother and stuff and I want to work to just let them know and they would absolutely love it.

It's nice to feel needed, lol. And I might take them up on that offer. I mean, in theory getting another job shouldn't be super hard, I did it once for extra Christmas money, but that was before I was the one that had to watch my brother during the day. Now, I want or need to find something where i could work at night that way my mom would be home and could be with my brother. And the only place i can think of is Wal-Mart, and I just don't know if I can. It's snobbery plain and simple, but I might have to just get rid of that and try for a job there. So, if anyone is reading this and knows where I can get an overnight job I'm your girl.

And it pisses me off and makes me sad, when I'm telling my sister this and she just kinda doesn't even really say anything. I guess I just want her to be like, "you know what, I'll stay home, I won't move in with him yet, I'll help you out, we'll work it out together," but she never does. It's like she feels she has no obligation to us or whatever. And i certainly wouldn't let her do that, but the offer would be nice just to know that she realizes this is rough for me, so i know she's thinking about someone besides herself, you know?

Oh, well, at least she's doing what makes her happy, that's what everyone should do. I will never regret the things I do for my brother. I love him more than anything on this whole entire planet and everything i do for him is with 100% happiness and love and devotion.

Man, do i have issues or what?! Lol, not anything too bad, i don't think, I mean as far as like how bad off I am I'm pretty lucky to have nothing too severe to worry about, I know there are lots of people out there who have it worse than I could even imagine, but that doesn't mean I don't think things suck for me sometimes. And if I can't whine about that here, than where?

And oh yes, the other day at my brother's baseball game, he was pitching, and my dad was being a total asshole to him, yelling and embarrassing him and just being over all jerky cuz he wasn't doing so well.

My and my sister we're really getting pissed off with this and told him to stop being so mean and loud when he passed by us and he told us to shut up. I said, "you're leaving soon and the last things he's gonna remember are you yelling at him and being mean all the time," and he said something meaningless and then he said something i didn't hear so i asked my sister what he said and she said he said, "That's why a week isn't soon enough" he meant before he leaves, and so i walked over to where he was sitting in the dugout and hissed at him, "that's why a week isn't soon enough for him" speaking about my brother.

I mean, what a fucking jerk, I'm ready for him to be gone. I'm tired of him being a jerk and hurting my feelings and being mean to my brother. Good riddance.

Also, at another game we played at the MLK fields the other day, the umpire was a total asshole, kicked one of our coaches out and then threatened to call the cops on him and when my mom asked why he was gonna call the cops to have him arressted, he said, "you can find out maam when they arrest you too," and they cheated us out of game time, we were only down by one point and were up to bat next, we had just played defense and held them and got three outs and were going to bat but then they were like, "game time has expired" and all hell broke loose.

People started yelling about game time not expiring and then the players from the other team went up to the fence where our parents were sitting and taunted them and were ugly to them. They got yelled at by their coaches and that umpire was still being a jerk. Everyone of the parents from our team was pissed off with all of those people and it was crap for our team, cuz they so would have won that game but there were cheated out of it. Our head coach said we won't be playing games there anymore, so I'm happy about that.

Guess that's all the whine I have for tonight, that I can think of anyway.

"i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
a window and a pigeon with a broken wing
you can spend your whole life working for something
just to have it taken away
people walk around pushing back their desks
wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about death
every little heart beat, every little breath
people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge
carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons..." "Ain't No Reason" Brett Dennen

It's a really, beautiful, amazing song, that just caught my attention the first time i listened to it. Almost makes me cry.

Night.

Why my blog title is appropriate...

2007-04-21T02:18:00.000-05:00

So, in the past week or so lots of shit has happened that has just been crazy, for lack of a better word.

So first off, there was the baseball shit that had been going on. Mind you I'm talking about little league baseball when i speak about the incidents that have occured.

So, basically there are parents who have kids on the team who resent the kids on the team who play infield, my brother being one of them, first base to be exact, because they're damn good and get to play often and their kids rarely go to practice and don't try as hard as some of the other kids do and some of them shouldn't even be there, but they sure do feel like they have the right to complain about playing time and how the coaches run the team, and "i guess our kids have to have a dad coaching the team for our kid to get any play time" which is complete and total fucked up bullshit.

So the other day at the game, the group of moms was complaing blah blah fucking blah, throughout the whole game and then at the end, my mom came over and was sitting on the bleachers and heard them talking and interjected asking them if they thought it was fair if their kids didn't come to practice but still got to play a large part of the game.

Well this set them off and caused a big fight in which i got exasperated and threw my hands up in the air when one of the moms said she was going to go get the president of our division of the little league association, or whatever, and i said, "great more tattletaling, and this fat, stupid bitch who was the cause of all the problems in the first place got right up in my face and said, "thats right little girl and you need to stay out of the adult business" like in my face yelling at me and i was like, "you don't have any right to get up in my face and yell at me," and my mom put her finger on that bitch's arm and said, "don't you dare talk to my daughter like that," to which this lady said, "don't push me, i could press charges against you, ya'll saw that right, (she said this to the other bitch moms who were complaing with her and they were like, "mmmhmm" and all shaking their heads, and my god, i swear on John Mayer and Lola and Lenny and Spike that my mother did not push her, i was standing right fucking there, that fucking woman has issues and she's pathetic.

So to make a long story short, we had another fucking team meeting a few days later in which people yelled and the dumbass president said, "yall need to get along, have a barbeque or something" and i wanted to punch his nasty face, and after it was over the player agent for the little league was talking to me, my mom and the coach and a friend of ours and said that the lady had called the police to her house and pressed charges against my mom! Can you fucking believe that? I sure as hell can't. I mean, where in the world does someone get the balls to call up the police and tell them a baldfaced lie and potentially fuck up someones life with something they know good and goddamn well isn't true? So far nothing has happend and we have tons of people who will attest to the fact that that didn't happen, but I don't know what's going on with this now, i haven't heard anything else, so who knows.

I just hate those ladies and their fucking smug faces, especially the other day when we had a game and the coach made my brother, and the regular infielders sit out the whole game minus 5 minutes altogether to make those moms happy. He'll be back at first base for today's game so I'll be the one looking smug. Fuck you very much you bunch of fucking liars and fucked up bitches.

Also, today this stupid bitch who had yelled at my mom and me at my brother's school before when my mom asked the other woman if she could move her car up just a little so my mom could fit in behind her to which the lady replied that no she couldn't and my mom said, "thanks that's so kind of you" and they proceeded to yell and curse at us.

Well the other lady who wasn't the driver was in a different car today, i totally didn't know it was her and she was parked in this wrong spot, but there was another car in front of me and i was just waiting very patiently behind that car, when the girl in the car, the bitch turned around and saw me looking in that direction, which hello i'm driving that way, and saw me, gave me this ugly look and said, "what, do you have a problem?" and i kinda smiled all smugly, like you're one crazy bitch, and said "no".

She was like, "well then why are you staring?" and i was like i wasn't" and she was like, "you needa quit staring you got a problem, blah blah" and i was like, "maam, you've really got some anger issues, i think you really need some therapy maam" and finally the other car started to move as i was telling her this and she was all, "well, whatever" and i was like "please go to therapy" and moved ahead, it was hilarious, but what the fuck ever bitch, it's not my fault your life is fucked up, go take it out on the people who deserve your fucked up shit, cuz it's not me.

And finally today my dad came over and told us they offered him a job in El Paso with a huge pay increase and he took it. I already knew about it, cuz my mom found out on accident and told my sister who told me and so i had to pretend like i didn't know but even though i did know, i still cried as he was talking to us.

I think it was cuz it was a little sad, yes, but i was watching my brother and his eyes were all teared up and he was trying so hard not to cry and my sister was just sitting there like it all bored her, and i was so sad for my baby brother. He eventually started crying and my dad just held him and they talked and then went out to throw the football for a while and it was sad.

It's gonna be weird, him being gone, but it's a big pay increase and if we actually get to benefit from that money it will be great, but i know my dad's promises and his grand plans and they don't always work out the way he says they will, so I'm not really holding my breath over that.

But this new development, him leaving town, within the next couple of weeks, and my sister graduating within the next two months and moving in with her boyfriend has made it very clear to me, if it wasn't already, that my current job is not going to survive these major changes.

So, i had to tell them that yes, they should probably start looking for someone new to replace me once summer rolls around, because my dad won't be here, my mom works during the day and most of the evening and who knows when my sister will be gone, so it's me baby, I'm gonna be taking care of my brother and now I've got to start looking for a job where i could work at night, that would be ideal.

It sounds so awful, but a part of me wants my sister and her boyfriend to break up or decide that they can't move in together just yet, so that she can stay here longer and help me out so i don't feel like it's just me.

This is why i relate to David from "Six Feet Under" so well. He has to stay behind and deal with the family stuff while his older brother checks out and does his own thing and his sister is the baby of the family so she doesn't have to do anything, it's just him and sometimes he really resents it all but in the end he knows he has to do what he's doing and he's a better person for it.

I love my brother and would do anything for him, no matter how hard i think it might be, i don't resent him, i resent the choices i have made and the choices I'm being forced to make because of the things other people in my family are choosing to do.

It's like, "well I'm gonna do this, and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna go do this, so that leaves me, and its like they assume my life is a fuck up anyway i won't mind being the leftover or whatever, and it's not taking care of my brother and making the decision to leave my job so i can watch him over the summer and get him from school and all that with more ease, it's the fact that everyone else, in some way or form, just looks to me and knows i'll do it.

It's hard to explain without sounding like a brat and maybe that's what i am, but that's how i feel right now. Well ok, I need to go to bed so hopefully i can get up tomorrow and do all the stuff I'm supposed to do.

Entropy is one of my favorite words, i just love the word itself and its meaning is cool, i don't remember the exact scientific definition, but it's kind of like the tendency for things in the universe to go from calm and settled to chaos and disaray, i love the word, i just don't like living through it. Tara was so right, "Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard."

"still everything happens for a reason
is no reason not to ask yourself if you are
living it right" "Why Georgia" John Mayer

Quite possibly my favorite line in a song ever, i love it, it gives me chills everytime i hear it, and it just makes me think. It's really appropriate right now. Night.

A 4 friend...

2007-04-20T02:39:00.000-05:00

So, tonight i got to hang out with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and just talk for a few hours. We hadn't done that in forever. It was the most fun I've had in a long time.

It was so great to just finally be able to talk about the stuff i want to talk about with him that's not always the best conversation material when you're on your cell phones driving in the car or something. It just made me realize how lucky i am to have someone as great as he is. Some people don't have a best friend, someone they can tell absolutely everything to, no matter how silly or stupid or depressing or dark it is, and know that that friend is gonna listen and know where you're coming from or try to at least, and still love you after it's all said and done.

That's what i have and i am so fucking lucky, i know that. I should definitely be a better friend, because he's just so awesome that sometimes i think i don't deserve to have someone be as good to me as he is.

We just talked about all the baseball shit going on with my brothers team and those fucking lying ass bitches that piss me the fuck off and I will have to blog about that another time, i have not the strength to deal with that right now, and we talked about him and his breakup, i read a blog he posted on his myspace and i swear to god, if i had been alone and read that i would have cried, i had to try hard not to, and we talked about where we are in our lives and about trying to do better, we talked about sugar and caffeine, (i thought sugar was caffeine, he said it wasn't, he won that round) and we just talked about music and stuff.

I also told him about this time i remembered from when we were in like 9th grade, or maybe it was the summer before 10th grade, and we were reading something in this magazine that was talking about friendship and it gave different rankings to different kinds of friends, from like 5 which was a best friend, the closest person to you that you can tell everything to, and 4 being a really good friend but not someone you share everything with and so on, and after we read it i remember asking him what he would rank me and he said, "hmmm, i guess you would be a 4" and i told him that really made me sad, and i was like, "oh, a 4, that's cool" in this like kind of hurt, dejected tone, and then i remember he said, "no i guess i would say you're a 5" and we just laughed and laughed about it.

People just don't realize how lucky i am to have him, or maybe they do and they're really jealous as they well should be. So basically my best friend rocks the fucking house and everyone else should be supremely jealous, and hey, if my sister says i said, gay friends are awesome for several reasons one of which is because they're a status symbol like having a labradoodle, don't believe her, it's fucking lies, lol.

I suppose that's it, I'll come back and write about the baseball fucked up shit going on another time.

"I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well." "New Slang" The Shins

Don't know why i love this song so much, I'm not 100% sure what it all means, but i love the lyrics and i love the sound so there you go. Night.

Gotta love a gal with an anvil...

2007-04-14T01:52:00.000-05:00

So, the title has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I saw the first part of "Fool for Love" last night and that line stuck in my head, lol. So, not much going on, same old boring me.

The other day my sister wanted to take her car out and practice driving (it's standard) and she wanted me to go with her. My dad is teaching her, but they've only gone out twice I think. So anyway i got in the car with her and she started it and let off the clutch as she pressed on the gas in 1st gear and bam it died. So she tried again. Bam, it stalled again. So again and again it stalled. This went on for about 10 more tries.

She couldn't figure out what she was doing wrong and it was at the point where we were both starting to laugh hysterically because you know that's what you do when something is frustrating the shit out of you and that's just your coping mechanism. I was trying to encourage her and she was doing the Buffy sob thing from "Life Serial" where she's doing the time loop in the Magic Box, it was hilarious.

Well, i was leaning over to watch what she was doing with her feet and noticed that the parking brake was still up. I said, "Is this supposed to be up or down?", and she looked, said, "Don't you dare tell dad," and put it down and started the car again and voila, it started and she was able to take off without a single hitch. I thought it was hilarious and she just made me swear that i wouldn't tell our parents. I was like, "yeah right, i was in the car too, with the fucking parking brake up, i don't want to tell anymore than you do."

So we drove around for about 20 minutes, she did really well, first gear is a bitch though. She stalled out a few more times trying to get out of first gear, and then we cracked up remembering Spike and Giles in "A New Man" when Giles is having Spike drive him around and they argue about the car,

Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear!

Spike: I'm doing my best.� I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.

Giles: It's perfectly serviceable.

and then later,

Giles: "Down shift! Down shift!", as he tells Spike to turn suddenly and Spike turns quickly and the car makes horrendous noises.

It's just hilarious and adorable and that's what we were thinking about. And also, my sister said, well Buffy can't drive either, rememeber, "Cars and Buffy are like unmixy things", so there you have it, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is relatable to all things.

Anyway the whole situation just makes me love my car and its automatic simplicity. I mean good God, to have to do that much thinking to just fucking drive and stop the damn car at a stop sign or to have to do certain things to stop suddenly when some jerk pulls out in front of you. I'll take my beautiful car any day over that. But i do know that i need to learn as well, so that someday I can drive some bad ass car like a Viper or something that only comes stick.

Also, today my sister and I were watching "Clifford the Big Red Dog", I love PBS cartoons, and at the end during the part where they tell kids to read and talk about the sponsors for the show, one of the things says, "so visit your local library and be the best read dog on your block", and my sister was like "oh my god, i just got that!", and I said "you just got what?", and she said "I always thought they just meant "be the best red dog on your block" and that never made any sense to me, but literally like just this second i realized that it was meant as "read" not "red" and i was like, "oh my god you dumbass, its a play on words, you are monumentally stupid." I thought that was supremely funny and it's nice to know that in some ways my sister is not as smart as I am.

So, i bought some Spike comics the other day from the kick ass comic shop here. They had to special order them for me and they got in on Wednesday. I was so excited about them, that Tuesday night i dreamt about them, lol. Anyway, i got the Spike Asylum series and the Spike vs. Dracula series. I loved them. The Spike Asylum series was fantastic. I will definitely be reading that again. The writer got Spike's voice down so perfectly and the art was pretty kick ass most of the way through. I loved the story and could totally see and hear Spike.

The Spike vs. Dracula story was very cool too, very interesting and a very Spikeish hilarious reason for Spike telling Riley in "Buffy vs. Dracula" that Drac owed him 11 pounds. I loved that. The story was really cool, but the art was very hit and miss, a lot of the time Spike looked like an old man, and then in the last part, all the drawings looked strange, like they all had these really huge mouths and just looked strange. But sometimes the art was really great and I loved it. Just the missteps detracted from total enjoyment.

Look at me, talking about comic book art and voice as though i were some kind of comic book expert, lol. Joss Whedon, look what you have done to me. But i have fully accepted my destiny as a geek. I read fanfic, canon and noncanon comics, i have a Spike doll, I have a piece of wood my brother found for me outside that looks like a stake sitting on my desk next to the Spike doll, i contribute to Buffy podcasts, wax poetic on various relationships on the show, I post on websites about the show and enter contests about how Buffy changed my life, I literally talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer everyday, spouting off bits of dialogue, and talking bout things that occupy my thoughts concerning the show, yep, I'm a full blown nerd, but I'm going to think of it as nerd chic, add chic to anything and its insta-glamour.

Besides i think its kinda cool, i feel this odd air of superiority and coolness when i walk into the comic shop and ask for the comics in my pull list. I'm sure the guys working there think I'm a complete freak, but oh well, for Buffy I will do much. K, well i suppose that's all for now, maybe I'll go post on livejournal now, so they actually have different content, lol.

"I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget,
I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat, yes they do. They do."
"Folding Chair" Regina Spektor

Love that line, it's just a cute way to say appreciate the little things about your body, you don't have to have Jessica Alba's body to love what you've got and be thankful for it, though her body would be damn nice to have. Anyway that's all.
Night.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!!!!!!!!

2007-04-04T17:48:00.000-05:00

So, oh my frickin god, I just finished reading Buffy Season 8 The Long Way Home Pt. 2 and squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! It was so amazing. I have not been able to contain myself since i started reading it.

I was already so jazzed to read the new one, i have never had to wait for new Buffy material, and then i had to wait until after 3 for the comic book shop to have them all out and ready to go. I now have a pull list and so when i got there they had mine all in a bag. I got the regular issue, the variant issue, and the full bleed of issue 1.

I got home and started reading. It was so beautiful and exciting and my hands were shaking as i read each and every page. There were so many shocking things, and Giles and Andrew were in there as well and Willow, badass fuckin' Willow!!!!! I was screaming and squealing and laughing and pounding the table with near orgasmic delight.

I love love love Joss Whedon. Also, there was one scene in particular that had me squealing and screaming and still has me reeling and screaming with shock, surprise, hope and love. It was after Amy put the spell on Buffy where she's living a nightmare and can't wake up. Amy tells Xander that only the kiss of true love, or the kiss of someone who loves her and wants to kiss her passionately will wake Buffy up.

In Buffy's dream she's starting to give up and wants it all to stop because it hurts so much and then there in her dream is a guy in a red shirt, black pants, and a long black coat, reaching out his hand to her and telling her "you can't give up that easily, there's so much i need to show you...my love" I so want that to be Spike. I want it with all my heart more than i can say i want it to be Spike. Of course since i want it that badly it will probably be Angel or someone else i can't even imagine, knowing Joss, lol.

Not that i will be completely unhappy to see Angel, i love Angel and despise all those people out there who are all I'm a Bangel or B/A shipper/fan and i hate Spike and Buffy or Spuffy blah blah blah, or I'm a Spuffy or S/B fan and hate Angel, those people are annoying and make whatever ship they support look bad. I love them all, i love all the characters, i just happen to love Spike supremely a much lot, and would love it till the day i died if the person talking to Buffy there was Spike. I would die with a happy song in my heart, yes i would.

Anyway i just loved this comic so much, the ending with Willow echoing Giles' words to her at the end of "Two to Go" was too much, i was screaming and squealing and jumping up and down and running up the stairs. I love Willow, she's my second favorite character i think and to finally see her there ready to put the beat down on Amy was too much for my fragile and already over-excited heart.

I cannot wait until May 2nd when we finally get to see Willow put the whammy on Amy and find out who it is in Buffy's nightmare telling her to not give up, please please please be Spike and I'll try real hard not to ask for anything again, notice i said try.

Anyway just had to post and get it all out since my sister and brother sadly lack the same squealiness and giddiness that i possess about this comic and all things Buffy and Joss. God God Joss i love you like Spike loves Buffy. Thank you. Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's not enough yuck in the world...

2007-03-31T19:29:00.000-05:00

So, people, well most people suck. Yesterday my mom took my car to go to the gym and while she was in the gym, someone used a crowbar and pried open my window which busted it completely and stole my mom's purse, which admittedly she shouldn't have done but still no way is this something to blame on her.

It's very hard not to be upset with her because she should know better than to leave her purse out in the open in the car but she did and you know what people shouldn't go breaking into people's cars ever, especially at 9:30 in the morning, dumbasses. Anyway they also took my XM radio. Not the whole hook up thing, they just unhooked it from the wires and stole that, which is stupid but I'm sure they will either figure out a way to sell it or use it or they just are truly evil and wanted to take what i had in there cuz theyre lazy stupid dumbasses who don't care about anyone but themselves.

My mom had luckily enough already put a hold on her card a few days prior to this for reasons i know not, but my brother's bankcard was also in there and they did try ot use that one but i think we were lucky because i think he had like nothing on there. But they immediately took it and bought gas using it. I hate them and hope they get their hands smashed by a fucking sledgehammer and then are forced to eat the broken bones.

There was also a check my dad had given her for the car my sister is supposed to be getting soon so we were worried about that cuz it didn't say who it was made out to, and it was signed but lucky again, my dad called this morning and was able to cancel the check but unfortunately he was charged a big fat fee for cancelling it, god banks will look for anyway to make a buck off you.

I also called Eddie Bauer and was able to talk to someone about maybe cancelling the giftcard she had in her purse because we still had the receipt and the giftcard was worth 50 bucks, so they said they would research it and then hopefully be able to send her a new one. Which i don't really like the way that sounds, like maybe they won't issue her a new one, i mean hello it was stolen and i still have the number and I'm asking you to cancel the old one and issue a new one i don't know what there is to research but whatever. She was also able to cancel the old gift certificate she had from a salon for a massage and get a new one issued, but she had her calendar in there with all her stuff, all her nice makeup and the book she was reading.

It just really sucks that people are that low and despicable that they truly don't care and would break in and steal and use people's things. We don't have tons and we are certainly not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but we do ok and we all work hard to have the nice things we do have and for someone to say you know what fuck that I'm gonna go and just steal the shit i want, pisses me off beyond anything. I mean how fucking lazy and worthless and scum off the bottom of the sewer pathetic.

Also, last night i was super tired and as i was drifting off to sleep i was either dreaming i was Veronica Mars, lol or hazily thinking that if Veronica Mars were my friend she would know exactly where to start looking and who to talk to and how to go about finding the stolen purse. I watch too much television.

Anyway the window was fixed very quickly yesterday but it was like 126 bucks so that sucks.

Other than that not much going on. I'm going out tonight for a little bit. I suck at going out. I never know how dressed up to get or not get, how much to drink or not drink, i don't really like to drink truth be told, and I think I'm just generally awkward and shy around people i dont know. Charm i was not blessed with. Oh well, it'll be good to see my bestest friend, even if i am clinging to his pant leg like a child 70% of the time, lol. Ok, well my fingers are tired and i have to go paint my fucking toenails, one of the drawbacks to going out. xoxo

"horny and burnout now is how it always ends for me and
chemicals wear me down in your summertime bacchanalian
I saw her go faster than the morning comes
she walks away like a lady
it's always the fallen ones I think are always going to save me"
"Faster" Third Eye Blind
Not a whole lot of sentiment here, just love this song, love the lyrics Stephan Jenkins is awesome and Third Eye Blind owns a piece of my heart.

I wonder if the Doublemeat Palace is hiring...

2007-03-29T06:21:00.000-05:00

So, I have decided that i pretty much am tired of my job. I have worked with the family that i work for for 4 years just about and I have grown tired of it. I have been off of work for about 3 weeks now and I still don't want to go back.

I guess some of that could be due to the fact that i am generally a lazy person and don't wish to do anything more than stay home, sleep till noon, watch Buffy, read some fanfic (my new found passion), and listen to iTunes or my iPod. Thats it, but really i would like to have a job, i enjoy getting to do something sometimes lol, plus the money is nice, but i just don't want to do what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know how to tell her and how to go about doing it. That's a pretty big change. I have been with this family for 4 years, i was there before the last baby was born, i have never not been a part of his life, and i love them all so much, they are good to me beyond measure and they love me as well.

I just am tired of the job. I need something new, maybe i need to go back to school. And that would make my mom superbly happy, of course she thinks i could go full time and not have to have a job, but poor, deluded mom, i need a job, i have credit card bills to pay that i would rather she not see, lol.

I have been thinking about doing a podcast for a couple of weeks now. I know the "market" is saturated with them right now, but it just seems like so much fun to be able to talk about whatever you want, you're in charge and you can run the whole thing.

I think it would be fun, but then again I'm not exactly miss. intelligent beyond all reason enough to think of cool and interesting topics, my podcast would consist of "i think Spike's hot, oh yeah, i think Spike's damn sexy, and oh yeah did i mention how adorable and fuckable Spike is in that scene! Not exactly something to get me tons of subscribers, lol.

It's 6:30 in the morning and I am not tired at all. I just finished reading this fantastic fanfic called "Older" by nautibitz, who's on livejournal and at nautibitz.com and damn it was awesome. That's why I'm so wide awake right now i think. I think i want to write a fanfic too. I know i know, i was so against it all, but now I feel foolish again, much like i did for not wanting to watch Buffy long ago because it sounded stupid.

Something that I would really like to write about is Spike and Dawn, and no, not Spawn stuff pertaining to sex or kinky stuff, as i think that particular ship is referred to, lol, but like a nice Season 7 thing where they reconcile after all that's happened. I hated that Dawn and Spike never got to be friends like they were in Seasons 5 and 6. Oh well, that's all i can think of for now.

I'll just slip out and get that Doublemeat Palace application, ooh, especially if sex with Spike in the alley is part of the job description, cause, i wouldn't look nearly as disinterested! I joke, i love Buffy and know that she was unhappy but still damn woman, he's fucking hot. Ok, I'll stop there, too much fanfic. Night.

"i know i'm young but if i had to choose her or the sun
i'd be one nocturnal son of a gun" "Cupid's Chokehold" Gym Class Heroes

I pretty much hate this song, but for some reason this line always makes my heart melt a little, I'm a softie, what can i say?!

Fathers be good to your daughters...

2007-03-18T04:18:00.000-05:00

So, what I always worried about and feared would happen in the back of my mind has happened. My dad left us again. For a while now, it hasn't been a funhouse around here. For a while it was so nice, and then it just sort of fell apart seemingly all of a sudden, though i suppose that when you think back on it, it wasn't sudden at all, but a long time coming.

A little while before my dad went on his first business trip he and my mom became really testy with eachother and I thought it would just wear off. My dad came back and ever since then it has been crap around here. He's always sick and has headaches and heartburn and is sleepy at like 8 in the evening. My mom is argumentative and always looking for something to fight with him about. I have been trying so hard to make them both happy, watching Angel and Buffy with my dad and hanging out downstairs with him and then trying really hard to be nice to my mom too.

I have just been trying to make sure that I haven't been nicer to one than the other, making sure that I'm treating them both equally and doing stuff with both of them and trying to get them to be nicer to eachother and talk. Apparently on one of the 2 business trips that he took he met a lady and they began talking and he told my mom that he had met someone who he really enjoyed spending time with and that made him realize he wasn't always a mean, ugly person. My mom told me that, and then she said she was gonna start talking to this guy she used to date again.

The fighting between them just kept getting worse and i just kept trying to make it better, trying to give my dad a reason to stay and be happy, and trying to make my mom feel included by my dad and just make her try to be nice. Finally, i heard them have a big fight again the other night and my mom was telling him he needed to just get over it and figure out when he was going to move out. He said, fine I'll leave friday. I had kind of forgotten about it, those kinds of idle threats have been tossed around several times before this.

Anyway so friday morning at around 7:30 am i was still awake(!) and was just trying to go to sleep and i noticed that my dad still hadn't left for work yet. that worried me a little, but he hadn't felt really well the night before so i thought that maybe he was just going to stay home. Well at like 12:30 in the afternoon he came in to my room and woke me up and told me blah blah, he was leaving, he couldn't stay here anymore, he was tired of fighting with my mom, tired of being sick and tired all the time. He just said he felt ugly inside and didn't want to feel that way anymore. I didn't say anything just nodded my head and listened to him.

After he left i couldn't sleep anymore so i got up and took a shower, and got ready to take my mom to work and then go to the store. My sister was going to spend the night at a friends house so i asked her when she planned to leave she said she didn't know, that pissed me off, because i needed to know if i needed to take my brother with me or not since i wasn't sure when my dad was leaving. I told her she needed to figure it out, and i was really pissed at her, my dad was like hey chill out, quit being like that and got really mad at me, he came out and was gonna start bitching at me and i said, i'm tired of being nice to her, im tired of being nice, just leave me alone, leave me alone. He looked all pissed off and then he went inside and we didn't talk the rest of the day.

Finally at like 7:15 that evening we had to leave for my brother's baseball scrimmage and took separate cars. After the game he gave my brother a big hug, said he loved him and said he had to go with me, and i said "should i take his bag" and he said "no" and i said "are you sure" and he was all nasty and he said "why" and then i just said "whatever" and walked to the car.

I am so furious with him, with my mom and with my sister. Here i was trying so hard, bending over backwards to make it all ok with everyone, and nobody else even tried. My mom just wanted to snark and bitch and make it worse, my dad just wanted to sit and brood and be mean to my mom and act sick and depressed all the time, and my sister who takes everything for granted just wanted to lock herself up in her room on the phone and Myspace all the time, not caring about what was going on.

I am mad at my dad because, and this sounds stupid but means a lot to me, we were watching Angel together and he was all gung ho about it, and even Thursday night he was watching Angel with me, as though we were just going to be watching it for a while, and when i made a comment about us being almost through, with just 2 and half seasons left for him of "new" Whedon material he just acted as though yep, that's how it was we were gonna watch it all, it's hard to explain what i mean but i know what i mean. Plus, just the other day he said he wanted to start Buffy again, watching the entire series through and i said yeah, that would be good. I just think it was so cruel for him to say those things, to make me think he was going to do that with me, knowing full well that he wasn't.

My mom pisses me off because while all this was going on she acted totally bitchy too, fighting for the sake of fighting and making it worse than it had to be, being rude and then being all fakey and semi-clingy. She joked about emailing the guy and dating him to get a car and blah blah, and now she wants to act like she's all shocked and disappointed and had nothing to do with his leaving, as though it was just him, that he was the one who was a craphead and had a midlife crisis. She certainly had a hand in his leaving. Plus, i've been really upset the past 2 days and she wants to act like I'm being whiny or being a bitch because I'm upset about it. She's already said twice, "this isn't my fault your dad wanted to leave" and i keep thinking, yes, it is partly your fault.

And my sister, she never tried to help me. She didn't care about what was going on, she didn't care that our little bubble was bursting and she didn't try to help me make it better. She hid away and acted as though she was too good for all this shit, on the phone the majority of the time she's awake, upstairs in her room all the time, coming down for maybe an hour if you add up all her little 5 minute visits downstairs. Always gone so she doesn't have to deal, just assuming that whatever was going on would work its way out, not wanting to exert a little effort, and i hate her for that and it's killing me.

I just feel so embarrassed about it all. I keep thinking of Buffy's line from "Life Serial" where she's talking to Spike, and she says something about "stupid Buffy, too dumb for college, too strong for construction work...". I just keep thinking stupid family, too boring for him and too something i don't know, just something not ever, ever good enough to keep him here. He's left us like 5 times, we're just never good enough for him. Thankfully some of those times were before my brother was born but still he's left him more than once too.

so embarrassed that all these people are gonna know he was here and that once again he's left us. I'm just so pissed off and hurt and confused. I hate that once again, he fooled me into believing he was here to stay, to help take care of us and make things whole. I fall for it everytime and everytime i have, i have ended up feeling stupid and embarassed for believing it. I wish i could just shut him out and not have to be hurt when he does what is inevitable, but i never can, i guess it's just natural to want your dad to be a good guy, you want to believe him. Well i always do and look where it gets me, everytime, it might take longer sometimes, but the ending point is always the same.

And i hate how now, every song i hear can relate to how i'm feeling in some form or fashion, it makes me feel stupid and like maybe i was so miss superiority nothing can touch me and now im getting that attitude rubbed in my face by having to feel this way. Today i was listening to John Mayer and this song "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" and it made me cry. That song has never made me cry before and I've heard it several times.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
and would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.

It's clearly about a girl and their romantic relationship, but i related it to me and what's going on, he says "the waking up is the hardest part, you roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe" and that part just hit me.

This morning i didn't want to wake up because i knew that it was going to be a day with out him here, and not just at work or on a business trip, he's really gone and once i got up, i was gonna have to deal with that. I was gonna have to go about doing what we do on Saturday knowing that he wasn't here and wasn't coming home. I dreamt about him last night, that he sent someone to the house to find everything that was his so that he could take it all and i yelled at the guy who came to do it and wouldn't let him, but then i had to.

This morning i kept waking up and looking out the window half-expecting his car to be out front because he had come to get the rest of his stuff. I'm just so mad at him, he had us all make brackets for March madness and said he was gonna print them off and that he was gonna contribute 20 bucks to a pool and that whoever got the most would win the money, why do that when you know you're leaving? He never printed them off for us and i dont know how to get to the ones we made.

Tomorrow when i wake up he wont be there, having been awake for 5 hours when i wake up and having already read the paper, and be watching a basket ball game, he won't ask me if I'm hungry and what I'm hungry for. He won't tell me, "go get Angel so we can watch some, this game is boring". I hate him for that, and i hate him because it makes me so sad, mostly because of that. I just want to shut him out, turn it off but i can't and it hurts and it sucks that i tried and it was unnoticed and for nothing, it did no good, he left and i hurt and i hate it. I hate that he made me feel secure, that he made me feel like he was gonna be here, like i could be secure in the fact that my dad was here to help me and hang out with me and give me money if i needed it and watch t.v. with me, he lied and he just leaves me with the messy aftermath.

I hate that he left my brother, that my brother is going to have to deal with this, and he's not a baby who doesn't know what's going on, he's old enough to understand what's going on but young enough to not understand as well. I'm mad at my mom for not being more responsible, for not having good credit to get us another car so that this whole thing isn't more difficult than its already gonna be with just my car. I'm mad that I'm upset about something so trivial and stupid as that. I hate that now she's talking to me about us moving to some two bedroom apartment. And i can't leave, i can't leave my brother, no matter where we are, as much as this hurts, it would hurt 10 thousand times more to have my brother be away from me.

I feel like a fool. I fee like Buffy says in "The Prom", "i can't breathe, Will, it feels like i can't breathe", that's how i feel right now, just so hurt and abandoned. I tried and it wasn't good enough, i wasn't good enough, and i hate that i feel like I'm acting like a 5 year old about all this, i know i am, but i thought that i could try and things would get better eventually, that everyone would be nicer, they would try and we would go back to playing Trvial Pursuit together and watching House and eating dinner together.

I feel so stupid, I'm so angry with myself. I dread having to wake up tomorrow and get through the day and the next and the next. I want it to stop and it sucks cause i know it won't. Watching Angel feels empty, I know what happens in the show, i was watching so i could show him what happens, watching basketball makes me feel sad and going downstairs at night is sad because where he would have had the t.v. on and been down there, now its dark and quiet and empty. I hate this all and don't know what i could have done to make it all better, i don't know what we can do to finally be what he wants, to finally be good enough for him to stay.

"on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too" "Daughters" by John Mayer

I hate to think how I'll love someday.
Night.

So a decade (and a couple of days) ago...

2007-03-12T20:52:00.000-05:00

Buffy the Vampire Slayer premiered on the WB, and i wasn't there. Do you have any idea how often that thought drives me crazy? I wasn't one of the cool kids who could see that this show was going to be something amazing, i wasn't on the ground floor of the masterpiece work known as Buffy. I was 12 years old when Buffy premiered, so i guess i was in 7th grade, possibly 6th, i can't really remember, and to be honest i probably didn't really know that it was even on T.V. for a while.

But i can fuzzily remember sometimes watching TV and seeing promos for Buffy and possibly Angel and thinking, "Ha, only nerds watch those shows, how weird are those things!" and feeling quite smug and superior that i wasn't silly enough or nerdy enough to watch those. Thinking this now makes me want to cry very nearly, because had i not been so snobby i might have been able to get in there and could say i was a supporter of the show even when it was on the air. Instead i came to Buffy the Vampire Slayer a little more than 2 years after it had been off the air.

Everyday since I watched "Welcome to the Hellmouth" in 2005 has been filled with Buffy or connected to the Buffyverse in some form or fashion. I love it and am so proud to be a Joss/Buffy/Angel fan. I like Firefly and Serenity as well just not on as obsessive a level as the others. I have a shirt that says, "Joss Whedon is my master now", and sure i like Star Wars, but no where near loved it or was obsessed with it, i just wanted people to know that i loved Joss Whedon and wasn't afraid to advertise that love.

I had a big Buffy marathon on Saturday and watched "Welcome to the Hellmouth" of course, and then just watched whatever other episodes i felt like watching. My love for this show goes beyond what i can come up with to type, say or write, it's all-encompassing, consuming, joyful, obsessive love and i wouldn't have it any other way.

I only wish i had been a bit older when the show first premeired, maybe then i would have been able to overcome my snobbery and i would be here saying, "i remember the day the show premiered and how i just knew it was gonna be cool", instead I'm here now wishing i had been there then, but oh well, i think in the end all that matters is that I'm here now and i love it and when i go to bed at night, visions of the Buffyverse swirl in my dreams. Thanks Joss.

I suppose you could say it was long overdue...

2007-03-01T01:36:00.000-06:00

So, today i fucking hit a car. It wasn't a big accident as car accidents go, but anytime you hit your car against anything it's not hugs and puppies. I say long overdue because I've been driving for a few years now and never hit anything, most people i know have had at least a small fender bender, so it was inevitable.

So, here we are, my brother, me and my sister, going home from school and getting something to eat. I stop at the stop sign, look and then go and the next thing i know i hear a horn honk, and bam, there's this fucking car in front of me and i slam on the brake but its too late, i bump the car. I hit the right rear end of her car with the left front fender of my car. I was like "shit" and then got my insurance stuff. She had already gotten out of her car and was walking around it checking for damage. I was dying inside.

I got out, saw the like foot and half long scrape on my front fender and then crossed the street to go talk to her. She came up and said, "Well i dont have any damage, it's ok, i think that's yours (she pointed to my fucking license plate in the middle of the street, (luckily it was a residential street, not super busy) and then turned around and got back in her car. I got my license plate and walked back to my beautiful, and now blemished car. I was so fucking pissed. Everyone was ok, except it turned out my stupid ass sister wasn't wearing a seat belt and ended up scratching her leg somehow and there's a bruise on her calf now.

Anyway, i was so glad the lady didn't ask for my insurance info and all that, because then i would have been screwed. I mean i have full coverage but that shit is just something i didn't want to have to deal with. Anyway, i tried to think of scenario that could place the blame on someone else but then i just decided that there was nothing i could think of that would sound plausible and just had to go with the truth. Luckily, i had just left the stop sign after coming to a complete stop, so i wasn't going fast at all and i was able to brake slightly before impact so that's why i say bump and not crash, semantics, my friend, all semantics.

Anyway, i called my dad when i got home, he's out of town right now for work again, and told him what had happened. He was as i knew he would be, calm and reassuring about the whole situation. He told me it wouldn't even be something we would report to the insurance company because it wouldn't be covered by the deductables but that if it was just the front fender we could get it painted for around $100. So I'll pay for that, my dad said i won't, he will, but it was my fault so i want to pay for it.

I'm just glad it wasn't worse and I'm so glad my brother and sister were ok and that William wasn't with us as he so often is. I feel awful that i was wreckless like that with my brother in the car. I know people say this all the time, but the car just seemed to come out of nowhere because i looked and then went and bam it was there. It sucks because my car is so beautiful and it pains me to look at it with a big black scape on it now but it will get fixed and be beautiful again and luckily my mom and dad were cool and realized that it wasn't something to freak out on me about.

In other news, today my boss was a complete and total bitch. She was like seriously PMSing or something. Usually she's totally cool and we talk and laugh about stuff together, today, not sure if it was cuz i asked for tomorrow off so i could do the "Suess on the Loose" thing with my brother at his school in the afternoon, or what, but she was just generally unpleasant today. Oh well, they don't own me and my brother is more important anyday.

Right now William is going crazy, running around everywhere and chasing invisible things. I love him.

Baseball practice has started again for my brother!!! I love baseball season for him. I love the practices and the games and the general excitement around it all. After a while, they get to be a bit much sometimes, but that's rare and for the most part we all love it. I love that he's so good at baseball. It makes me glad that he's one of the best out there and that when he goes up to bat or when he's playing first base i can rest easy knowing that 98% of the time he's gonna do a damn good job.

Well, i suppose that's all for now. Damn, when i post a bit more frequently it really does make me look like a loser lol, cuz then i don't have near as much to fill a post. Oh well, I am what i am.

"Then it comes to you how it all slips away
Youth and beauty are gone one day
No matter what you dream or feel or say
It ends in dust and disarray

Like wind on the plains, sand through the glass
Waves rolling in with the tide
Dreams die hard and we watch them erode
But we cannot be denied
The fire inside" "The Fire Inside" by Bob Seger

So fucking sad, but so true.
Night.

So I said to myself, self, I said...

2007-02-23T02:17:00.000-06:00

"It's time to shake and shimmy it off," is how that Willow quote from "Something Blue" finishes off, and i have been saying that quote a lot lately for some reason. I think i just like the way it sounds. I think i like it because when Willow says it she's trying to tell everyone that she's ready to move on, she's trying to make them think that everything's ok now, but it so isn't for her and it isn't for me either.

So my intention is to actually make a cohesive post and have it be about something rather than just a slap dash job, whatever the hell that means.

So tonight i completely just finally told my dad and my mom most of what i have been thinking about for the past few weeks. I had to stay about 30 minutes late at work tonight, which was annoying becasue i was only supposed to be there about 15 minutes extra but of course they aren't very good at being there when they say they are. Anyway when i left work i was calling my dad but he called me first and immediately i could hear the fucking depressed, whiny, poor woe is me tone in his voice that has been driving me crazy the past few weeks. He wanted to know if i was hungry and what i wanted to eat, so i said yea I'm hungry but I dont know yet what i want, and it was kind of late like 8 already and my brother is supposed to go to sleep at 9:30 which did not happen tonight. Anyway he just sounded so put out by having to think of something for dinner that i just said I'll be home in about 5 minutes and we'll figure it out.

I felt awful for my brother becasue my bitch of a sibling is out of town for more fucking school funtion shit and I have just about had it it with that shit too. Anyway so my mom was at work, i was at work, my sister is gone and my poor brother was at home with our depressed, needs to get on Cymbalta, semi-comatose father. I felt awful.

So i walked in the door and said "hey buddy, what do you want to eat, you want Wendy's?" and he said yeah, and then my dad rolled his eyes and said "i couldn't get him to give me an answer." So he said he was gonna go get food and i was going to go get my mom from work cuz she got out at 9 and then as my dad was getting his keys he just looked so utterly defeated and unhappy that i just couldn't stand it anymore and i said "dad, whats wrong with you" and he said "i dont know what's wrong with my anymore" and that just set me off. I told him all he ever did anymore was sit around on the couch watching TV looking depressed and unhappy and hating every moment of every day he was with us. I said "you and mom are being ridiculous and it isn't fair to any one of us." "It isn't fair to you or mom and it especially isn't fair to M." I said "maybe you do need to move out if thats whats going to make you happy again, because you obviously aren't happy here."

So he says, "i told your mom i wanted to move out but she said that if i moved out i wouldn't be able to coach matt when baseball season starts." I said "that is ridiculous but maybe that's the way it has to be for you to get happy," and he said, "so your mom gets to dictate everything in M's life again, she runs it all and makes all his decisions without asking me, how do you think that makes me feel?" And that is so like my mom to say something like that, something so ridiculous, a fucking ultimatum that contradicts what she wants to happen.

Anyway he went on to say that yes he was unhappy and i asked why he was still here if we made him so unhappy and he hated being around us and he said i dont hate you guys, why do you think I've been here the last 2 and a half years, its not for your mom, its so that i can see you guys and give you guys the things you want, i live my life on a couch but i do it for you guys." And i said, "oh thats great, so youre telling me that the reason your here is so you can buy us things, and that you basically hate your life because of that." Then i just said, "you know what, don't go anywhere I'll take M to get food and then we'll go get mom."

We left and i told M i was sorry but that the things going on were most definitely, 100% not his fault and to not ever think that. Anyway we went and got food and then went to get my mom. I told her what had happened and that i was annoyed and pissed with both of them for being so immature and using us like pawns and making all of us feel like we were walking on eggshells with every word we said or thing we did. I told her about the baseball thing my dad had said and she said, "yeah im not gonna let him dictate when M plays or goes to practice and all that," and i said "that's ridiculous and unfair because you're preventing everyone from being happy and you're just being immature." And then she yelled at me and sarcastically said "i forgot you're just the most mature adult in the house and you know everything that's going on."

Of course after we got home and me and M ate our food and went upstairs to finish his homework at 9:40 we could hear them arguing and yelling. Yes that's great for M, more yelling in the house. Anyway both of them well, actually only my dad really actually apologized for blowing up at me and i did the same saying that he mistook what i was saying as proof that i wanted him to leave and that i didnt care about him. I do, i so want him to stay, i want everything to be semi-happy like it was for a while, but that's not gonna happen so i want everyone to be happy no matter what that takes.

My mom just glossed over it and ignored the argument we'd had in the car and was nice to me later for the rest of the night. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything but this bullshit, with them not talking to eachother and me running mad crazy trying to make sure I'm not being too nice to one of them so that the other one feels bad and then trying to overcompensate with the other parent when i feel guilty for being nice to the other. I'm tired of being afraid to say the wrong thing in my house for fear of starting the argument that's just hanging in the air, waiting to burst. I'm sick and tired of M having to live with shit like this, he's too good for this and doesn't deserve to have to live with this weird, angry vibe hanging around in the air.

Of course my fucking stupid sister wasn't/isn't here. She's out of town for Aca-Deca shit. Everything about her annoys the fuck out of me. And i don't think anyone really gets why i dislike her so much, but i guess when you're treated the way she treats me you'll have intense feelings of dislike for her that might seem irrational to others but so warranted from your perspective. She's rude, selfish, self-absorbed, snotty, she takes everything she has for granted and she's just an all around bitch for me to be around 98% of the time now. It really makes me sad, because there was a time for a while where she and i were friends, when she knew pretty much everything that was up with me and i the same for her.

It used to be that i could say i was going somewhere and i would ask if she wanted to come along and she would go and talk to me. I used to be able to say hey want to watch Buffy/Angel/Veronica Mars/Six Feet Under and she would watch an episode with me. There was a time when she wanted to go to a concert and didn't have any friends that could go or wanted to go but she really wanted to so i went with her. I hated all the bands but i knew she wanted to go and i went with her.

Now it's gotten to the point that if i want to ask her to go to Target with me i have to work up my courage for about 5 minutes bracing myself for the snotty look or the rejection i know she's about to deliver to me, and then if she does say yes, she's on the phone in the car and in the store, sometimes ditching me to go talk to friends who work at the store. I have completely given up ever asking her to watch Buffy or anything else with me, and i have gotten to where i am embarrassed to refernce Buffy or Angel in front of her, whereas just months ago we used to have whole text message conversations in Buffy speak, trading quotes and laughing our asses off.

I know she feels morally, socially, and intellectually superior to me and maybe she is, I dont know, but it just hurts. Everything is about her, her school shit, her boyfriend and her friends. She ignores everyone and everything going on in her home and with her family, the people who have always been with her, when she didn't have a group of friends to go hang out with and a boyfriend to do whatever the fuck she does with him, when said boyfriend became the dickwad we all knew him to be and broke up with her only to come sleazing back soon after. She acts like M is a nusiance half the time and that pisses me off more than a lot of the other shit she does, because you don't get to treat my brother that way.

I mean i know she's all hoighty-toighty going off to college soon and moving out so don't you think that would mean you would take advantage of the last couple of months you're going to be living at home and be nicer to everyone? Well, not her. She takes it all for granted and just expects it to come for her and happen when she wants it how she wants it. I've said it before, but if i had the same fucking advantages that she's had i would have been at a university already and probably graduated.

But then again maybe not because since I've been a semi-mother to both my siblings since my sister was born I guess i have a stronger bond to them and more specifically my brother and just the thought of leaving him to go to college and pursue whatever the fuck it is people in their 20s want to pursue, makes me so sad, it just becomes unimaginable for me to leave him. So she can leave if she hates us all so fucking much and can't wait to live in a stink hole with her boyfriend and never go to class and mooch off of her family that she doesn't live with, I'll take my beautiful brother any day.

Basically the situation with her makes me so sad mostly because there was this glimpse of what could have been, but deep down i know that how it was will never be again, she and i will never be friends or close like we were and a part of me is ok with that, because you can only be hurt by a person so many times before you just go "ok you know what, I've gotta protect myself and I'm tired of looking like the dumbass."

So anyway I'm sure I'll remember some other fucked up situation with my family that i wanted to talk about after i publish but oh well, it'll have to wait for another post cuz I'm done talking about them.

Work is work, it gives me money to pay off my credit cards lol and that's a good thing. It is helping me to realize that maybe I don't really want to work with kids after all no matter how well i can work with them.

William, my beautiful cat is doing much better. He's started running up and down the stairs again and jumping on to the couch and beds again so that's good news. It means his stiches don't hurt as much maybe and hopefully soon his wanderlust will slow down a whole bunch too.

I'm still trying to find a decent iPod armband for my beautiful 80GB video iPod so that i can start "running" again. I think i found one but damn its harder to find one with good reviews than i thought. I so want to lose weight and get healthy. I dont even want to necessarily be a size 6 (althought i would be lying if i said i didnt dream about that) but i want to tone and slim things and just be more healthy about the choices i make and the foods i eat. I want to look good in the dress i bought when my ambitions were high and the mirrors told lies.

I recently finished the entire series of "Six Feet Under" again. Well actually i hadn't seen the first season and some of the second season the first time i watched it when it aired on HBO. But this time i watched it all because i bought the complete series in December and good God that show is awesome. Still, i dont think as good as Buffy the Vampire Slayer but one of the best shows ever created in my humble opinion. I sobbed like a mad woman during the series finale. I would have a hard time deciding if SFU or Angel would come in second for my favorite. I'm not even gonna try to decide that now.

Well i suppose that's it for now. I've gone and developed carpal tunnel syndrome (...and can tragically no longer carry a flashlight...! what's it from??!!), that's what i get for not updating on a regular basis.

"Stars looking at a planet, watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane" "Stars" by Switchfoot

Night.

Bored Now...

2007-02-16T04:51:00.000-06:00

So, okay i don't really feel like writing a full length post about all the shit going on that is plaguing my thoughts at this moment and believe me there are plenty of things swirling around up there right now to keep me occupied. But you know how when you feel so much stuff and you're thinking about so much stuff and its just all too much to articulate and write down in one coherent thought? Well, that's how i feel right now. There is a lot going on and i just don't have the energy nor the desire right this moment to write it all down and disect each and every thing.

Basically, my parents are fucked up and they fuck us up, they can't stand eachother and they are miserable and that makes everyone else miserable, i am getting to the point where I am just ready to say you know what, just separate and get on with your lives cuz youre making it bad for everyone.

Second, i still really have a lot of crap going on as far as my feelings towards my sister, i really dislike her, she's rude, selfish, snotty and i just generally can't stand her most of the time, but every so often she has flashes of how she used to be and it's cool, but mostly its just a general unrest and disgust i feel towards her.

I love my brother, he's perfection on Earth for me, he makes things better for me and good God, if he weren't here i would be long gone from this house and this shit. He has started taking some medicine for ADHD, we all really hate this, but we have been putting it off for 3 years and finally, with him failing three classes this 6 weeks, my mom decided that we should at least try it, not for our sakes becasue we don't want him taking meds and being funky and feeling bad because of it, but for his sake because he deserves a chance to do well in school. And if things don't improve, then perhaps we'll decide that he doesn't need to take them anymore and we'll have to go from there.

My cat, William went Tuesday and had surgery to be neutered but it wasn't just a regular neutering because he had a recessed testicle (so not funny to me, but apparently it is to nearly everyone else) so they had to make an incision in his abdomen and therefore it was a bit more intensive surgery. Plus he got, various shots and stuff. Then he had to stay overnight, and that completely sucked. I missed him so much, he really and truly is like my child and i hated being away from him for the night. He is still moving around gingerly and carefully, he's less active, not that he was active before, but you can just tell that he's not yet back to his normal self. I feel so awful and guilty but i know that he needed to have that stuff done.

Ok, well I suppose I'm finished for now, hopefully I'll get back to a little bit more regular schedule of updating and then i won't feel so overwhelmed with info and thoughts that i just can't write it all out.

"I am beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I am beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it" "Beautifully Broken" Ashlee Simpson

Goodnight.

You really hurt my feelings...

2006-12-23T02:20:00.000-06:00

So, that line from Angel S2 "Epiphany" said by Cordelia to Angel is all i could think about earlier. First of all and off topic from what i wanted to write about, i love that line, its so sad and full of hurt, i love that episode.

Anyway so earlier tonight i wanted to go to Target to find one last small gift for my mom. I asked my sister if she wanted to go with me and she said yes. Her friend works there and he was there working when we got there. Anyway she walked in the store with me and we went to look at the clothes for a sec, i wanted to see if she would like the shirt i picked out for her the other day. So i kind of casually asked her about it and she seemed pretty much unimpressed with it. But there was this cute pink shirt with polka dots that she really loved so i was trying to decide how i could grab that one and just take the other one back without her knowing.

Then she said something about how her friend was calling her to go sit with him at Starbucks for a minute so she said I'll be right back where will you be? And i said i didnt know and she said ok I'll call you. So i kept walking around looking at various stuff just wanting to see if there were any last minute gifts i could buy. I walked around the entire store and found some stuff i wanted to ask her opinion on. It had been about 15 minutes or so and she sent me a fucking text and said what are you doing? I was fucking pissed so i just didn't respond and kept walking around looking at stuff.

I'm terrible at trying to decide on things without a second opinion and really wanted her help which was why i wanted her to come with me in the first place but finally, after about 10 or so more minutes of walking around alone, i realized that she wasn't going to come find me and help me out so i just went to get in line. I payed for my stuff, got the shirt she said she liked no less, didnt get most of the stuff i had been looking at because i could not decide plus i was pissed off. As i walked out i called her and said I paid for my stuff I'm walking out of the store, and she said wait for me and i said I'm already out. I got to the car and she got there a few seconds after me.

She got in and I didn't say anything. I wanted to scream at her and tell her how crappy that was and what a bitch she was to do that. She has done exactly this before once and it totally pissed me off because it was when i really needed her help trying to find a certain gift for my brother a month or so ago, and i told her then that it was really crappy and that it hurt my feelings. Anyway this time i just decided that obviously it didn't mean anything the first time i told her so i didn't say a single word to her in the car.

But the more i was thinking about it driving home the more pissed off i got and the more the whole situation just started to really hurt my feelings. I mean hello all she ever does anymore is talk to them so is it too much to think that maybe we could go to fucking Target and i wouldnt be given the fucking brushoff there? I dont care if she went and said hey and sat with him for a few minutes and then called me to find out where i was or whatever but she just completely ignored me and then sent a fucking text! Anyway so thinking about the whole thing in the car driving home with her and how she hurt my feelings i started to fucking cry.

I hate crying, i mean i know no one likes to cry but i mean like i really hate it i don't like for anyone to see me cry and the fact that she made me cry because she's a rude, selfish bitch just made me even more angry. The only thing she said to me the whole time on the way home was "i didn't know i was going to be there that long", and that was it. I came home and had to wipe the tears off my face and rush inside so no one saw me because i was sure it was obvious i had been crying a little. But of course my dad saw and came upstairs to ask what was wrong. Whatever, soon she'll be little ms. university bound and she won't have to worry about her stupid, deadbeat, boring sister crying about her feelings being hurt.

On a completely different note, yay, Christmas is almost here!!!!!!!!! i love Christmas. I am so excited. I think i am pretty much done shopping, i mean i just will probably get carried away and buy more stuff for people that they don't really need before Christmas gets here. I love these last few days leading up to Christmas, they are the best. I really want a video iPod for Christmas. I said i didn't after i asked for one on my list because i realized how greedy it was to ask for something so expensive, but my dad keeps saying that he doesn't care what i say now he knows i really want one so I'm getting one. Yippee!!!!

Anyway i just wanted to rant and say Merry Christmas mostly to myself because who am i fooling thinking anyone else reads this boring, whiny shit, but just in case there is one person out there who is reading this, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all that other good stuff.

"Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy" "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion

Yes it's a Celine Dion song, i can't help it i love this song, it's my song to my brother. Well one of them at least. I love that boy.

Night.

Remote keyless entry, what a ditz...

2006-12-07T00:57:00.000-06:00

Geez, what a ditz I am. I could not remember what the whole system with the remote to unlock and lock the car and pop the trunk and stuff was called but later on i was like "Oh my God, how fucking embarrassing", its remote keyless entry and man what a loser i am lol. Anway i love my car. Its pretty awesome.

Christmas is so close, I am so excited. I always get really giddy around this time and just cannot wait. I love seeing my brother open his stuff and love every bit of it. Plus this year, he's got some really cool stuff so I'm very excited. I have already begun wrapping stuff that i wont put out under the tree until Christmas Eve, after eveyone has gone to bed. I like saving most of my stuff so that in the morning when everyone wakes up, its like kinda magical, as cheesy as that sounds, because wham, here's all this stuff that wasn't there a few hours ago and its for all of you guys.

My sister annoys the shit out of me. I'm like a broken record with that one huh?! Seriously though, i mean the other night i wanted her to have a pinball tournament with me because it was relatively early, like 12:45 a.m. and we were both bored. So she said yes and the while she made me look for one online, she fell asleep. Last night, her nasty, looks like he jumped out of Oscar the Grouch's garbage can psuedo-boyfriend, was on the phone with her and she stayed up until 4:30 in the fucking morning. How fucking rude is that. She can't stay up till 1:30 am to play a stupid cheesy little game with her sister, but she can stay up till 4:30 talking to the piece of trash that broke up with her and was an ass and is now trying to weasel his way back in.

I am super bitter about this. I mean if i wanted her to watch an episode of Buffy or Angel with me she would go in my room lay down on my bed and fall asleep 20 minutes in, no matter what time of day it was (and it's not that she doesnt like Buffy and Angel, at least she used to, she watched both series with me) it's just that she doesn't see what i want to do as important enough to warrant staying awake. But you can be damn sure that if that slimy scuzzball wanted to watch Buffy or Angel, which he doesnt watch because he doesnt have the intelligence for them, she would be awake long enough to watch a whole damn season with him. Whatever, I hate that she's so snotty now and doesn't think i warrant the time of day to do anything with, but she doesnt care so what's the use? And don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of her in anyway, I want my sister to do well and be happy, i just wish she could do it and not be so snobby and treat us as if we're all just amusing, peripheral objects, ya know?

Anyway, I am counting down the days till my vacation, dear God i need that vacation lol. I'm also wondering if they'll give me a Christmas bonus this year. Last year they gave me $100 and it was so cool and really helped me out. I was reading this thing in Parents magazine, which i love by the way lol and will have a subscription to when I am a parent, and it was talking about what kind of gift to give to certain people or how much to give, and it said for a full time caregiver that's been with you for a while, to give a gift and 2 weeks pay. I was like, "whoa, i hope they read that and follow those guidelines" lol. I have been with them for a little bit over 4 years so i think that qualifies. Now, to wait and see if they're feeling Christmasy anytime soon. Here's to hoping.

"I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary average every day sane psycho, super goddess, average every day sane psycho" "Extraordinary" Liz Phair

Night.

Hop on little mama...

2006-12-03T04:43:00.000-06:00

So, my dad got back at around 9 or so on Saturday night, and i have my new car, and its all paid for and all mine. It's a 2004 Dodge Stratus, silver in color and comes with power seats, locks and windows. I am totally excited about that shit. I have never had a car with power anything besides the power to drive and piss me off. I am excited because it has a key that has the buttons you press to lock and unlock and open the trunk, and how lame does that sound, i cannot think of what they would be called by an intelligent person, but I never claimed to be intelligent, therfore i get away with stupid things like that lol. I haven't really been able to get a good look at it yet because it was dark when he got here and so ya know, but i did drive it for about 5 minutes or so, very cool. I am uber excited. I'll have to post more once i get a better look at it.

Plus today i bought a pair of jeans from Old Navy for 10 bucks and a black wool jacket for my brother for 9 bucks!!! I got two coupons from a girl on GottaDeal.com and they were for 10 dollars off any purchase over 10 dollars, so hell yeah i used those. Then we went to Linen's N Things and finally got my mom the waffle maker that was on her Christmas list. I love marking things off the list. Thank God, tomorrow the Cowboys and the Giants play!!! I'm not going to predict anything for fear of jinxing something, but i know where my love and loyalty stand, so for now that will be all I'll say. So i suppose that's all for now, i have done all that i could to postpone going to bed, i hate going to bed, but then once i do, i can't seem to wake up lol.

"She’s gonna step outside
Uncover her eyes
Who knew she could feel so alive
Her M.O.’s changed
She don’t wanna behave
Ain’t it good to be a brave girl tonight" "Brave New Girl" Britney Spears

Night.

I've been gone too long, I hope you don't mind...

2006-12-02T01:32:00.000-06:00

Well, I have finally decided that i simply do not have enough money nor do i want to rack up the credit card payment any further, but I'm not tired so i came back here to do some updating. I love this title for my post, its from the Any Given Thursday Version of 3x5 by John Mayer. I switched this thing to the beta stuff, whatever the hell that means, they told me to do it so i did it.

Lets see, right now everyone is asleep. My sister was supposed to play pinball on the computer with me but of course she said, "you go first, I'll lay down right here and watch" and while i looked for one (since our Windows pinball game is curiously absent) she immediately fell asleep. My mom and brother are asleep downstairs and William is semi-asleep right here next to me. My dad is in Dallas with my uncle and their cousin looking at cars for me. So I'm bored and i wanted to play Buffy the Vampire Slayer Chaos Bleeds on my brother's PS2, but he got in trouble today because of a grade he got in school so he's gotten his playstation 2 taken away, well more specifically the controllers have just been hidden and i have no idea where they are, which sucks because i would hardcore play that game right now.

I am in full Christmas mode as of now, well i have been since the day before Thanksgiving. I was buying Christmas presents before Thanksgiving, and then on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, me, my sister and my mom all went out for Black Friday shopping. Well me and my sister were out of the house at like 2:30 a.m. to go to Sears, which opened at 5 a.m. to get a cordless drill for my dad. We waited in line at Sears because they were handing out $10 giftcards to the first 200 people. So we ended up getting the $80 drill for $26 because it was on sale for $40 and we used the 2 giftcards we got and then we bought the protection plan for it cause it was 6 bucks. Pretty cool. Then we met up with my mom at Target which did not open until 6 a.m., and waited in line there for about 20 minutes or so. Luckily she got there at just the time we told her to get there because the line behind her was massive and she was really close to the front, which was a good thing because we wanted that video rocker thing and they were sold out of those like super quick.

After that we went to Best Buy and got my brother a portable DVD player for $76, which made us all happy. Next it was Circuit City to get Season 1 of House (for $12.99, normally 50 bucks!) for my mom and dad (and really for me too lol, i love that show) and to get some DVDs, and a new Sirius satellite radio kit (20 bucks, normally 50) for my dad. He got XM last year but wants Sirius because it has NFL talk and stuff. The line that we waited in at Circuit City was the most riduculous thing ever. I waited in that line probably an hour and 20 minutes. I was so pissed off. I hate CC already but that just made me feel absolutely certain that i really did hate it. But we did the Robopet from there 3 days ago for $19.99!!! That thing is like 50 bucks everywhere else. Anyway after CC we went to Hastings to get season 2 of House for 16 bucks, also normally 50 bucks or so.

Then we went to Old Navy to get me some new jeans because the jeans i had put on had a hole in the thigh, which had looked cool before but then i just kept messing with it and made it too big to look cool, i just looked poor and trashy lol so i had to buy some new jeans, and luckily they were all 20 bucks. Then we went to Wal-Mart and got the iDog for my brother for 10 bucks to go with the iPod shuffle we bought him a couple of weeks back. It's the older model, not the cool teensy weensy new one, but he's 9 so I think its good for now. We got great stuff that Friday, it was so much fun.

In other buying stuff news, not related to Black Friday, the fucking Nintendo DS Lite that i want, the black one still isn't in at Toys R Us. I hate that fucking store, they suck. I used to love TRU, but no more. We all pitched in to buy my brother the bundle from a few weeks back, it was the DS lite, a starter kit, and a game for $149 which i thought was sweet. But of course they don't have the damn black one, which is the one he wants, nor did they have it that Sunday when the ad first came out and i went. I will keep bugging them until i get one and it will be before Christmas!

Lots of other cool stuff but I have grown tired of writing about it all, lol so I shall quit for now. My dad is looking for a car for me because my car was completely and totally fucked up. Which is crazy because I have only had that car 6 months at the most (but to be fair it is a 2002) and what was wrong with it wasn't something that i did or didnt do, its just something that went wrong with the car, it was a fucking lemon lol. It sucks because it causes such a disruption to have only one car and have 5 people that have so many different places to be at different times. To be honest though, i never really thought this last car was very asthetically pleasing. I mean it was cute sure, a red Focus but not really something that i would ever pick out on my own, (they picked it out for me when they traded in my 11 year old Dodge Neon that i love love loved). So I'm hoping that this car will be something a little more me.

And i think that my uncle, who could possibly be called mr. moneybags, is like buying the car for me, i have no idea what the arrangement is between them but i do know he's financing it in some way if not completely. Plus the other day me, my mom and dad went to Best Buy and bought this sweet new picture printer on sale for $129 normally $169 and then went to TRU and bought the Guitar Hero 2 bundle for my sister (gasp TRU actually had something in stock that they had advertised) and it tured out to be $108 so i think that if the money thing with the car were really super troubling right now we would not have done that, but my parents have done crazier things.

I'm so ready for my vacation, the family that i work for leaves for Florida for 2 weeks on the 23rd or so which is just totally awesome, i love them but i need a break, so I'm marking down those days baby, you better believe it. K well my fingers are slowly developing carpal tunnel syndrome ( "I've developed carpal tunnel syndrome and can tragically no longer hold a flash light.") so i think i shall make this my getting off point. I'm most definitely going to go watch some Buffy or maybe some Angel Season 5 seeing as how that's the only Angel season i have lol, got it from my best friend for my birthday in September. I did ask for Season 1 and my sis asked for Season 2 for Christmas, here's to hoping Santa brings those. I so missed my little blog, did you miss me?

"You should have seen that sunrise
With your own eyes
It brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
No more 3x5's
Just no more 3x5's" "3x5" by John Mayer

Night.

And We're Off...

2006-10-27T01:47:00.000-05:00

So, its official, I've bought my first real Christmas present. I bought my brother the blue camoflague bedset he wanted. It was on Target.com and right now they have a ton of the bedding stuff being sent with free shipping and then there's also like a 10% off promo going on now online. The free shipping ends Friday, well today actually so i figured what the hell, what better time to buy it then right now? So i bought it using my, what else credit card, not to worry i am constantly adding up how much i owe and checking my account on the website so I'm good. Anyway it was exciting to buy it.

I also saw at the actual Target store today this bed tent thing that looked wicked awesome. It like zips over a twin bed and is like a mesh material but is rounded over the bed like a well, tent. It looks so freakin' cool and its only 20 bucks so i want to get that as well. Also he has decided that his big present that he wants this year is a Nintendo DS Lite so I'm excited i love buying the big stuff like that. It looks pretty cool too. I'm obvioulsy going to wait till closer to like the day after Thanksgiving otherwise known as Black Friday, to purchase that on the hopes that there will be sales for the DS and bundles and stuff. But right now at Cicuit city or Best Buy the game Nintendogs is on sale for 20 bucks and it looks so cool. I think I may get that for him now.

I am so late with my Christmas shopping, last year i had Christmas presents that i was buying in July. I'm ready to get this shopping show on the road though. I love Christmas, it makes me so happy to buy gifts for people or makes things for people and know that they are going to like it. I love the songs, the food, the lights, the decorations, just everything about it, and having a young child in the house makes it all the better. Oh lol also on the Mindware website they have a Venus Flytrap growing kit, that comes with seeds to grow several carnivorous plants that i wanted to get last year but failed to do so, this year i will definitely be getting that.

Moving on, the trip to Carlsbad Caverns was as i expected, which is to say there was a big argument, lots of silence, then sleeping, then getting there and acting like it never happened and then walking for freaking ever and eating at some nasty place and coming home. My mom and dad got into an argument literally 2 minutes away from the house. So for the rest of the two hours they either didnt talk, barely talked or my mom slept. It was fun all around. My brother slept the whole way pretty much and tried to stay awake with my dad but i had stayed up the whole night so i was too damn tired to stay up for long. Plus when we actually got there and started walking I felt awful, like my cough came back full force and it made me feel so icky i wanted to cry. But i got through it and some of the stuff was beautiful and so awe-inspiring, plus my brother thought it was pretty cool and that was what mattered. Then we had to eat at Furrs on the way back, i despise Furrs almost more than any other restaurant because i dont eat most of the stuff they serve but i got through that as well.

Anyway my sister did take William to the vet. The vet didnt get to my sister and William in time that day but we did get the voucher for the free visit. Anyway she did find out one important thing, even though she didnt get to do the appointment my sister asked one of the technicians if they could please at least tell us if he was a boy or a girl and...He's a BOY!!! Thank God. Anyway we took him to the vet this past Monday which is when his free exam was scheduled for (after my jury duty bust which was such a horrible waste of time) and found out some good and some really bad. William is a healthy, sweet Tabby cat. He's about 2 years old and weighs 9.8 pounds. But there was something scary, he only has one testicle, the other one hasn't dropped and the vet (whom i loved by the way she was so awesome and made me want to be a vet like i did when i was a teenager) said this puts him at an increased risk for testicular cancer but if we get him neutered (which he is not) that will take care of that problem.

The procedure is extremely expensive for us anyway but we will do it, we will get the shots and tests he needs first and then we will take William to that same vet and have them do the procedure which is expensive because of William's unique circumstances, meaning they have to make two separate incisions and various other things, but we will get it done. He is the sweetest thing in the world. I love him so much.

Anyway i suppose that's all for now, I missed writing, its become very cathartic for me. I've been watching a lot of early Buffy, like Season 1, 2, 3 and the first few eps of 4 but now i feel like watching "Once More With Feeling" so i think i shall do that.

"She thinks I can't see the smile thats she's faking
And poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
Gray sweatpants
No makeup
So perfect" "Comfortable" by the master John Mayer

Night.

Are we freakin there yet?

2006-10-21T03:39:00.000-05:00

So, i have pretty much decided that i will not go to sleep tonight because we are supposed to be getting up at 6 a.m. (a fucking ungodly hour) to drive to Carlsbad Caverns in Carlsbad, New Mexico. My mom has a free day tomorrow and she says its the last one of this year for her, so she wanted to do something with it. Originally she and my brother were going to go to Austin to visit my aunt and uncle and our cousins but then she couldnt get another day off so she has decided to turn it into a day trip. Its just gonna be me, my brother, my dad and my mom, because my sister has gotten her job and now has to work tomorrow from 9 to 4.

I hate that i have to be gone because tomorrow is also the day that the pet hospital is doing free welness exams for cats and dogs from 1 to 5 p.m. which i think is awesome because I so want to take William and i so dont have a lot of money. But since i wont be here and my sister has to work till 4 its become a huge ordeal. Now, she has to have a friend of hers come to the house and get William and take him to her at 4 when she gets out of work so she doesnt have to travel all the way home and then all the way back. Then she has to go out there and ask all the questions i have written down and want to ask myself.

It sucks but at least he'll get to go. Plus, they said that if you're there and they dont see your pet before its over at 5 they will give you a voucher for another time. My dad bought William a cool, sporty black and red pet carrier, made for a dog i think, but it works all the same and its great. So she'll be able to put William in it and cart him around. Plus we gave him a bath about 2 nights ago, it was the most adorable thing i have seen in a long time. He didnt want to get in and meowed really loudly, like howling almost, the word keening comes to mind. Anyway we got him in and started first just pouring water over him and then finally washing him with soap and then rinsing him off. He was actually pretty good, he calmed down a little and let us finish and then looked severely pissed off and really pathetically cute for pretty much the rest of the night.

The one thing I'm really worried about tomorrow with William going to the vet is finding out if he's a boy for 100% sure. I mean i was pretty sure he was, but he's just gotten so fat and really sensitve i so hope he isnt really a she called Willow that's pregnant with babies. Because one boy cat yes we can handle him and he has basically no desire to go outside, but a girl with babies is not gonna work for us, we're not even supposed to have a pet at all, they don't even want us to have fucking goldfish, what the fuck is that all about? I mean what the hell is a fish gonna do? I mean they do that stuff to lorde their power over the lesser beings and say you rent your home, so we get to make the shitty, mundane rules and stick our thumbs up our asses. Anyway a girl with babies would be trouble, as much as i would love to keep a mommy and her babies and take care of them all it just isnt possible, so im wishing a really lot hard that he's a he and thats that.

Finally went back to work tonight after having the entire week off, which was nice because not only did i not feel well, but i honestly just needed a break from all of them. I love them but its still a job and sometimes they just get to be too much for me. Made pretty good money tonight, but the week off does bite in that respect, that being that i have zilcho money.

Ah yes, speaking of not having any money i did indeed buy the James Marsters c.d. lol. I used my credit card lol. But i have been keeping careful track of how much I've spent and exactly how much i owe so im alright. Plus, i had to buy the c.d., i've been wanting it and it was cheaper than it would be if i had bought it from the American store, so I'm very excited and don't regret it in the least.

I'm very excited about buying Christmas presents, i need to start soon, i think I'll buy my brother's bed in a bag thing he wants. I found it on the Target website, its only available online and its blue camo complete with everything, i showed it to him and he thought it was great. He definitely needs it, he's been using that damn ugly Yugioh comforter for a while and he doesnt even like Yugioh anymore lol, poor baby. Then i want to get him the Venus flytrap growing kit from Mindware online, its so awesome, its 25 bucks but comes with seeds for all kinds of carniverous plants, i wanted to get it for him last year, but waited too long and then when i was ready to get it they were all sold out. I'll get that very soon and the comforter because its only 60 and its free shipping. Plus, he wants a Nintendo D.S. and a Mario game, all i can say is thank God i got a credit card in time. I kind of wish we had enough money to get the Playstation 3 this year but that will be for another time when we've saved up money.

Speaking of saving money, i cashed in my change today that i've been saving for my iPod, and i had saved up 50 dollars in change!!! Plus i had 10 dollars in cash in there. Thats so awesome. Of course i had no money so i used $26.50 and now owe that back to my iPod fund, but i will pay it back soon and save up to buy that damn iPod, i want it so bad i can feel it in my hands, i can see the different episodes of Buffy I'll buy on the color screen, ok stop talking start saving.

Well my fingers are tired of typing so i will stop for now. I'm actually a bit excited about going to Carlsbad Caverns since its been years since I've been and my brother has never been. Wish me luck, or like Buffy says, monsters!

"and now we're
sleeping with the television and all the lights on
one of us is leaving soon but we're both already gone
stuck at the lost at found, watch things disappear
looking for the missing piece but it was never here" "Lost and Found" by Adrienne Pierce

Night.

I want Kitty Bobo...

2006-10-18T01:09:00.000-05:00

So, today for some reason i started thinking about Kitty Bobo again. This was a short little cartoon my brother and I saw years ago on Cartoon Network about this cat named Kitty Bobo and in this story he wanted a cell phone and got one and then proceeded to act like an ass, annoying his friends with his constant, "let me call you on my cell phone" and then he wrecked his phone and didn't have it anymore but then all his friends had cell phones and he was left out. It was so adorable and hilariously funky, we loved it. We have remembered it ever since then and sometimes out of the blue we'll say "yeah, on my cell phone" all funky like Kitty Bobo did. I was thinking about him today and wishing i could watch that cartoon again, if there was somewhere i could download that cartoon, legally of course, i would be all over it.

Anyway stayed home from work again today because i didnt quite feel up to going to work yet, still kinda icky feeling, i may not go to work tomorrow either, i know I'll regret it when i dont have any money but damn the last place i want to be when i dont feel good is work, ya know?

Anyway today i went with my mom, who was also off and we went to the Gap to look at the (RED) stuff, and as expected our Gap store was pitifully lacking in cool (RED) merchandise and promotions. But we were told they will get more stuff in Thursday, Friday or Monday. So who knows, but we also talked about maybe just ordering stuff online, cause i get emails from them about free shipping on orders over 75 bucks so i dont know, all i know is we want those shirts. But from the Gap i got a denim jacket that was originally 68 bucks for 19.99!! I love that, you just cant beat that, and i had been looking for a denim jacket for a long while so that was great, plus my mom bought it for me. Well, technically i bought it for now with my credit card but she wanted to buy it for me so she's gonna give me cash for it in a couple of days so that rocks.

Right now on the James Marsters Live website, which is like the U.K. site for James, they are having a Christmas sale and have reduced the prices on James' c.d. and DVD to 7.50 pounds. I dont know the exact exchange rate for pounds to American dollars but i found a website that converted it for me and with my shipping fee its gonna be like 19 some odd dollars. I guess its a lot but it does ship from the U.K. i think plus if i order it from the American site its 20 dollars and 5.50 for shipping so it's more expensive that way. I'll be buying that c.d. soon "with my credit card" lol.

I love having a credit card but its very very easy to see how people can get into such deep debt and just sometimes not even know how it happened so fast. Its just so easy knowing that you can have it right then, right that very minute and not have to pay a penny then. It's instant gratification and as an American i of course love that. But i am being careful about making sure i'm putting the money i owe on my Visa away so that when my bill comes i can pay it in full and not accrue interest charges. Plus i love having a credit card because Christmas is coming up and that's gonna be really cool to have that to fall back on if i dont have enough cash to get something i want for someone at the moment i see it.

And speaking of that, there is a bed set i want to get my brother for Christmas from Target but its only online, its a light sand color camo bed in a bag type thing he really loves it and that'll be cool to get him, plus there's a book i want to order him from off of Amazon, and a Venus flytrap set from this site called Mindware, so its a really good thing i have the credit card so i can order the stuff and have time to put up the money and still get it. I suppose that's all for now, I'm just debating in my head about whether or not i want to go ahead and order the James Marsters c.d. right now or not.

And you said
"This is the first day of my life
Glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy" "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes

Night.

Tears stream down your face...

2006-10-15T04:03:00.000-05:00

So, here's the thing, my grandfather, my dad's dad is very very sick. He has cancer in his liver, cancer in his lungs and all kinds of other ailments. We just found out about this very recently. My family is very lonerish, and by family i mean me, my sister, my brother and my parents. We don't really visit and stay in constant communication with very many of our extended family because to be honest, we really don't like very many of them.

I know that sounds awful but I'm sure you know what i mean, sometimes you just can't believe you're a part of that right? Anyway, so we don't always know whats going on, we're not always in the loop on everything. So the other day my aunt, well my great aunt, but thats just being technical, who is like one of the very few people on my mother's side that we regularly communicate with and visit, was here in town to visit my great uncle because he was in the hospital as well. I'm not sure what he was in the hospital for but i dont think it was anything super severe, anyway my mom went up there with my aunt one time to see him, but mostly to keep my aunt company, and when she was leaving, she saw one of my aunts, another great aunt, from my dad's side there as well.

My mom told me later when she told me that this aunt said she had been trying to call us for a day, but she only has our house phone, we don't use our house phone, we all use our cells now, but anyway so she hadn't been able to get ahold of my dad to tell him what was wrong. So my mom told my dad and after work he went to see him. That's when he told us afterwards that our grandpa had cancer in his liver (they didnt yet know about the cancer in his lungs) and other ailments. So the next day my dad and my uncle (my dad's brother) went and saw him and then later my uncle came over to bring my sister that damn graphing calculator, and my uncle got a call while he was there. It was one of my aunts a great aunt or one of my regular aunts (my dad's sisters) i do not know, but they told my uncle about the cancer in his lungs and i could see my dad kind of tear up.

It was so weird because literally one minute before that we had all been laughing and talking and then bam! silence and sadness. That night they thought that the cancer would be able to be treated and workable. But today when my dad was talking to us about my grandpa (who btw is really my dad's stepdad, but his real dad was an asshole i think and never really a big or good part of their life, and i never knew him at all, i have always thought of this man as my true grandfather) he told us that the doctors told them the cancer had spread too much and wasnt really going to be able to treated too much (i guess he found this out that morning from my uncle or something), there just wasnt much they could do anymore and the prognosis was like 6 months to a year. When he said this he visibly choked up a little bit.

Anyway he was going to visit him later and me and my brother had to take my sister to the airport for her journalism trip and take my mom to work and then he and i were going to go run some errands so we werent there when he got back. But when we got home he was there and he looked so sad. But i suck at this kind of stuff, i want to ask him whats going on and find out what's going to happen but im not good at doing this, so i just didnt ask. After about an hour, in which we talked about the Tech game (shameful) and the booksale i had to go get my mom. On the way there i was so sad for my dad. I put on my John Mayer c.d. "Continuum" maybe his best yet. Anyway i put it on track 5 "Heart of Life" and i started to cry, like bigtime cry. Here are the lyrics:

THE HEART OF LIFE
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it’s nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it’s good

God, those are so simple, yet absolutely some of the most beautiful lyrics i have ever heard. The first time i heard this song i cried because it made me think of my sister. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, whom she cared deeply for, and she was really sad about it and these lyrics perfectly conveyed everything that i wanted to say to her but couldn't.

Then today when i was in the car i put it on and damn, i couldn't stop crying, the lyrics are everything i wish i could say to my dad as well, but can't. It's just so beautiful and heartbreaking. And you know what i feel the worst about? It's that what I'm most sad about is that my dad is sad, not that my grandpa is sick. That sounds so awful but its true. Like i said, we dont really see any of them very often, its probably been years since we saw them last, and don't get me wrong, i am sad for him, there was a time when we used to see him a lot and there was this thing we used to do where he and i would hug and i would squeeze him as hard as i could, we used to laugh about it all the time.

I love him and the really sad thing is that he is our last living grandparent. All of my other grandparents have passed away, he's the last link of that kind for my siblings and I and that is a tremendous loss and of great sadness for me. But what makes me saddest is that my dad is sad and hurting, that hurts me and makes me even sadder than the situation my grandpa is in. So back to the John Mayer c.d. I then put it on song 7 which is "Stop This Train" and cried even harder. Here are the lyrics:

STOP THIS TRAIN
No I’m not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can’t sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

Don’t know how else to say it
I don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight”
“You’ll renegotiate”
“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly, we’ll never stop this train”

Once in a while, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed its moving in
I know I can’t
Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train

Damn, i think that might be my most favoritest song from him ever, even beating out "Why Georgia" which had previously held that spot. Anyway I had loved this song from the moment i heard it and cried immediately the first time i heard this one as well. It describes me so well. It says everything that i think about and don't know if other people think about or worry about.

And i cried in the car when i heard it today on the way to get my mom because it made me think of my parents and my dad and his dad. The line "don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go" always gets me and this time especially it just rang so true. I feel so awful for my dad right now and I dont want to ever have to feel like this myself, the way my dad feels right now, and i know someday i will and that feeling is suffocating and scary and it hurts me to think about it all. I wish there was something i could say to my dad to let him know that i am always here for him, that i can't possibly understand what he's going through but that i feel so tremendously for him and wish there was a way to make that pain and hurting stop, but i dont know what to say or how to say it, so i say nothing and feel bad.

Maybe i can burn him the c.d. and tell him 5 and 7 are my favorites make sure you listen to them and he'll get the message i'm trying to send to him. Sometime I'll have to post more about "Stop This Train" because i feel like there is more i can say about that song, pertaining more to me, and therefore not really fitting in with this post, but i just had to mention them. Sometimes life really sucks, but as John Mayer says,

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

Night.

It's so inspi(RED), plus if it's good enough for Oprah...

2006-10-15T03:43:00.000-05:00

So, the other day, well Friday to be exact we saw the launch of the PRODUCT (RED) stuff on Oprah. By we I mean my mom, sister and me, but i suppose that a whole bunch of America saw it as well, so either way. Anyway, this was amazing. I was just so in awe of the whole thing. I mean, it really is ingenious. Americans are gonna buy things, we love to spend money, so now we can spend money and help give medicine to people in Africa who truly need our help. I love it and it makes me feel like i can do something to help, even if that something is only going to the Gap and buying some (RED) shirt or something.

Its just too cool, plus i think on the (RED) website, or maybe it was the (RED) page for the Gap, it said that 50% of what you pay for the shirt goes back to help buy meds and whatever else they're using the money for. I just am so in love with this concept. Plus, they (Bono and whomever else came up with this idea and the subsequent designs and brands used in this campaign) just came up with the snazziest idea ever with the whole (RED) thing. On the (RED) blog page there was one post where one of the updaters asked people what their (RED) word was and people listed a whole bunch of red words to describe themselves. I'm pretty sure that the only things I'll be able to afford or need are the GAP products and the Converse products which, subsequently are being sold at GAP i believe, but still I can feel like I'm helping out in some small way.

Can you imagine how incredibly powerful and likable you have to be to create this much frenzy and adoration about a campaign that really is quite simple? I mean Bono and whomever else created this and Oprah all just basically said, this stuff is good and its for a good cause, i love it and I'm buying a ton of it, you should too and what do we do? We buy a ton of it. To have that much power must be a pretty fascinating feeling. And God, to be Oprah and go into the Apple store and say I want 10 of these (RED) iPod Nanos or the Motorola store and buy ten (RED) phones its just pretty neat. See, lol, materialistic American that i am, i was fascinated by the way she was able to buy all of that stuff, the creators of (RED) are really smart, we love to buy and we like to feel good, this lets us do both.

It certainly makes me feel like i should be doing more in my life to help others in this world who are far less fortunate than i am. It also makes me feel guilty for complaining about the mundane shit i complain about, because i have it so good compared to others in this world. Thinking about the little babies in Africa, the boys my brother's age, the mothers trying to raise their beautiful daughters to be strong, the fathers trying to take care of their families and having to live with all kinds of rampant diseases least of all AIDS, it makes all this shit we deal with and complain about all the time here in America, the political back and forth, the nitpicking, the lying, the get ahead and get more more more, the 24 hour Paris Hilton watch, seem like pointless, naive, toxic wastes of our lives and the ability we have as a powerful nation and as powerful individuals. I hope this (RED) movement is super successful and that it opens some eyes and saves some lives.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2006-10-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

MY SISTER DRIVES ME INSANE. I CANNOT STAND HER SOMETIMES, IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

Brazilian Street Justice...

2006-10-12T00:45:00.000-05:00

So, i feel like complete and total crap right now. I have no idea whats wrong with me, i just know that i seriously don't feel good. I have a little bit of a fever, my body is all achy, my throat hurts, my head hurts something fierce and I'm actually tired. Me, who prides herself on not going to bed before 2 a.m. most nights is tired at 12:40 a.m. That's ridiculous and a sure sign of my not feeling well. And it sucked today because i didnt feel well but i had to go to work and all day today was just playing outside, running back and forth being the thief/meerkat/sister/baby and i just wanted to lie down and cry and go home.

But i got through it so I was glad for that. Hopefully I'll feel better by tomorrow afternoon before i go to work, tomorrow i get paid so i definitely don't want to have to call in sick lol. My sister and brother also didn't really feel very well, and my employer and one of the kids didn't feel well either, all of us with pretty much the same symptoms so who knows what it is.

I chose the title for this post because i heard that little snippet of dialouge on a show me, my dad and sister were watching just a little while ago. It was some cheesy thing on Court TV called "Most Shocking" and it was like all these people robbing stores and attacking police officers, i hate watching that stuff but it was all that was on. Anyway, there was one thing they showed from somewhere in Brazil and this guy had been terrorizing cabdrivers and mugging and beating them. Well this big group of vigilante guys went and found him hiding in this building and pulled him out of his hiding spot and proceeded to beat the living shit out of him. It was very violent, with these guys landing good, solid kicks right to this guys face and body and punching him in the head. Anyway the voice over guys says something like, "he emerges from the building to meet police, he is badly beaten but still conscious. He has gotten a little taste of Brazilian Street Justice. My sister and i were laughing at that, it just sounded so hilarious and ridiculous.

Also, William was downstairs with us and he followed my dad into the kitchen at one point, sat in front of the fridge and began meowing very loudly. My dad cut off a little piece of a weenie (thats a hilarious word) and put it on William's little bowl. William bent down to sniff it, arched his back, puffed his tail and swacked that little butt of the weenie halfway across the kitchen!!! It was hilarious (god talk about over-use of a word today) and then to make it even better William kept at it, attacking the weenie and swacking it across the entire living room and hiding behind a chair or the entertainment system and then pouncing on the poor, defenseless weenie! It was great. He's such a doll.

Well, I suppose i better get going, perhaps I'll fall asleep and feel better when i wake up in the morning, but the thought of going to bed now still makes me mad so maybe I'll put in "Restless" from Season 4 maybe with the commentary because i love Joss's voice, or maybe I'll just watch the episode.

"Remember the time we made love in the roses
and you took my picture in all sorts of poses?
How could I ever get over you, when I'd give my life for yours,
I know we are...we are the lucky ones..." "Lucky" by Bif Naked
(also from Season 4 of Buffy "Harsh Light of Day"

Night.

Wish me monsters...

2006-10-11T03:16:00.000-05:00

So, I just made my first post over at Whedonesque tonight. I finally became a member of that website, which I view as the elite Joss Whedon/Buffyverse site on the web, a few months ago and had just been too intimidated to post anything, everyone there is so well spoken and intelligent and I’m just like "yes, I like Spike, he's pretty" (ha that reminds me of Buffybot's line from "Intervention" when everyone's asking her what she thinks they should do, she says "I fight with weapons" I freakin love that.

Anyway there was a front page post about a new community starting at Livejournal called "Dear Joss" I believe and it's a community to post a letter to Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series, Firefly, Serenity, and scads of other projects that are just greatness, and tell him how much you appreciate what he's done or how he and the shows he created have affected your life. Well on the Whedonesque thread, people started posting their letters to Joss, so to speak, and I knew I had to break the ice and make my first post.

I am in love with Joss Whedon. I know of no man greater than him, except James Marsters and John Mayer, but each man is greatness in their respective field. So I typed my letter to Joss and of course did it first on Microsoft Word so I could be sure to spell check and space everything out the way I wanted to. And I couldn’t believe how much I had to say. I truly believe and know that Joss has changed my life. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is such an integral part of my life now that I know that someday when I get married it will have to be to a man who loves BtVS as much as I do, if he doesn't it might very well be a deal breaker that's how ingrained on me this show is. And reading other people's posts on Whedonesque gave me the knowledge that I am certainly not alone in that feeling and that’s a good thing, because I think I have far surpassed anyone I know personally in my obsessive love for the show and Joss.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer crept into my heart when I was least expecting it, and made itself a big cozy bed in there, and its not leaving, not that I would let it if it tried. The day I bought my Chosen Collection was one of the happiest days of my life, words cannot express the feelings I had coursing through me on that day at Best Buy. I will forever be indebted to the friends who introduced me to Buffy; they have given me a love for something that will never go away. My children will see this show and Angel as well, someday and they will (hopefully) love it like I do. So again I say thank you Joss Whedon, I bow down to thee in supplication and awe, you are a God among men.

So, yes in other "news" today was my hard day. Tuesdays suck big time, especially today because instead of being at work at 9:30 a.m. like I had been doing, she asked me to start coming in at 9:15 a.m., which 15 minutes I know isn't big at all in the grand scheme of things, but 15 minutes does make a pretty big difference in my morning routine. Besides what pisses me off the most about being there earlier now is the fact that she's not even there when I get there. I was there a good 10 or 15 minutes before she even got there, so I ask you, what’s the damn point of that? It's nothing but a power play, that's all it is.

My sister dropped off her application to work at a crafts store for the Christmas holiday and she's really excited, but I’m not because it means I’ll have to be driving her ass to and from work, but it is good because it means more money between the two of us when we start buying Christmas presents and that should be any day now. I cannot believe that it is already almost Halloween; this year has gone by so fast. This is usually when we, my sister and I, start buying gifts for everyone, because I have the philosophy that its better to start spending now and spread out some of the cost rather than try to cram it all into one month give or take. I love buying Christmas presents for people and so I am getting really excited about that.

Also, today we went to PetsMart, which was just right next door and looked around at stuff. We looked at the lizards, which was cool because before they didn’t have lizards at PetsMart, only reptile supplies, and decided we really really want another lizard. We miss Lenny, our Cuban Anole, the coolest, most beautiful reptile I had ever seen. Anyway we also looked at the kitty stuff because I wanted to get William a new litter box, one with a hood, and we need a cat carrier and stuff. We ended up only getting him some cat treats, some special kind of milk made especially for cats, and some packets of wet food.

Then we went to Target and I got a price adjustment on the pretty red sweater I bought a few days ago, and bought a gray long sleeve t-shirt, and also got the hooded litter box from there because it was a bit cheaper.

When we got home, my sister and I set up the litter box, there's a hood and in the hood part is something like a pet door that swings in and out so the cat can get in and out, but so that it traps the litter and odor in there, but when we tried to get William to go in there he freaked out and ran under my sister's bed. So we took the damn hood off for now but we will eventually get William to go in there with the hood on, so wish me luck.

We had spaghetti for dinner tonight, my favorite food and we got to watch the new episode of Veronica Mars, which was a pretty good one I thought, and it had a lot of funny moments in it.

Then I came upstairs and while my sister was on the computer I watched 4, count em, 4 episodes of Buffy. I have been wanting to watch "The Freshman" the season premiere of Season 4 so I watched that one and then I watched "Living Conditions" which is the one right after that one. Then from Season 5 I watched "Checkpoint" and "Intervention" two of my very favorite episodes ever. I was debating on whether or not to watch "Crush" also from Season 5 but decided I could not bear to see Spike hurt the way he is at the end, right now. And now it’s very late and my kitty and I are off to bed, or at least an attempt to go to bed.

"And I fall down on what to say
oh something clean, let me be clever
Hey oh well, whatever
But that's not what I mean..." "Blinded" by Third Eye Blind

Night.

The quarterback is like the most important member of the team. He is like the rudder that guides the ship...

2006-10-09T01:44:00.000-05:00

So, ok today was yet again, realtively normal, i.e. boring, which i suppose i should be thankful for in some ways. Anyway the title of my post is from the Season 7 episode of BtVS called "Him". Dawn says this when she's making a complete fool out of herself while trying to talk to R.J. the quarterback for the Sunnydale High Razorbacks. I chose it because twice this weekend, while watching my two football teams i was let down by the quarterbacks.

First was Texas Tech; they played Missouri this past Saturday, a team which remains unbeaten after our meeting with them this weekend. Now i don't know very much about football, but i know enough to get by and not be lost when i watch and i know enough to thoroughly enjoy football. Anyway Tech's quarterback is Graham Harrell and according to most is completely awesome. He seems that way most of the time too. My dad was so excited about Harrell getting the starting quarterback position at Tech and before that he was excited about Harrell even coming to Tech. I love watching Tech play, there aren't very many college football teams i can watch and not get bored. Tech i love to watch because theirs is very much a passing game, which for me makes for exciting football.

Anyway this Saturday we (and by we I mean Tech, but i am a fan and so i say we) started off shaky and it did not look good. Of course now that i'm trying to post about it i cant remember the exact sequence of events that unfolded, but i do rememeber that it seemed our offensive line wasn't blocking very well and Harrell wasn't doing so hot either. I rememeber that towards the end of the second quarter he threw two, interceptions in a row and there was much screaming and yelling in our house between my dad and I. Then, they brought in our backup quarterback Chris Todd (i dont know if thats how you spell his last name or not, sorry), and the whole stadium, (this was a home game, and homecoming no less), erupted in cheers. They always like the player that hasnt played, that's what one of the commentators said and i agreed and felt really badly for Harrell. Todd came on the field and threw a couple of complete passes and then before the second quarter was even over, Harrell had come back on the field and was seemingly restored. We scored a touchdown and a fieldgoal i believe and our defense was holding Missouri's offense and not allowing them to score.

So after halftime, it seemed that Tech had all the momentum and would carry that with them and go on to score more and get a strong hold on the game and increased confidence that would prevent Missouri from pummeling and embarrassing us any more. However, that was not to be. It seemed for a while that we had indeed carried that momentum with us into the second half but that was an illusion. We soon after the second half began, started making the same mistakes and mental errors again that had plauged us in the first half. Harrell did not look impressive at all and for a university nationally known for its huge passing numbers on the field, Harrell's numbers were pretty dim. I was so disappointed becasue it seems like we could do so much better than that.

Anyway today i was let down yet again by the quarterback from the Cowboys, my other team. Today was the much hyped, much anticipated game between the Cowboys and the Eagles, much anticipated because Terrel Owens was going to be playing his first game there since being fired by the Eagles last year and signing with the Cowboys. My dad and I were more concerned with the game because it was a division game and it would have been great for us to win it. But of course the media wants to turn everything into a media circus and incite anger and use soundbytes to make people say what they want them to be saying so it looks dramatic. I hate that.

Anyway, it started off promising with the Eagles fumbling on their kickoff return and us recovering it. However, we failed to capitalize on that, (I am again forgetting the exact sequence of events as they unfolded but the gist of my rant is relavant all the same) and soon after that the Eagles began to pound on us. Now I'll admit that it wasn't just Drew Bledsoe that fucked up so royally, T.O. dropped a couple of balls he should have caught, a few players missed key tackles, Jason Witten didn't run the route correctly that allowed the ball to be picked off at the very end of the game, this was the touchdown that would have sent us into overtime, Roy Williams made two big blunders, missing an interception he should have had and allowing his man to run right past him and make a huge reception that almost resulted in a touchdown and i believe did end in a touchdown in the next play, Matt McBriar allowed the snap for his first punt to slip right out of his hands and that was disastrous, but the large majority of the blame i place on the offensive line, which sucked hard and long today, and Drew Bledsoe, the rudder that guides the ship.

Our offensive line played like a pee wee football offensive line today, allowing i think like 7 sacks, which is a statistic you expect to see with the Houston Texans, not the Dallas Cowboys, and they just allowed player after player to get in there in Bledsoe's face and hurry him and cause him to throw the ball away a few times. However, more often that that, Bledsoe simply stayed in the pocket, held onto the ball, rather than throw it away or try for a receiver, and took the sack and the punishing hit. He threw 3 interceptions i think, on throws that kind of floated and allowed the defense ample time to get in there and get it, or else on he threw it and it was like, "oh my god, where the hell was he throwing that besides to an Eagle?". This loss sucked because we honestly had a chance to win it, we stayed in it for so long, even leading by a few going into halftime, we just failed to capitalize on the opportunities we were given and that killed us.

I hate the weekends when Tech loses and the Cowboys lose, and of course today was a little cold (for me anyway) and rainy and gray, so that made it all the worse. Other than that, like i said, today was normal and uneventful. My sister went to go spend the night at a friends house, my dad washed my car despite the grayness outside and he even said he knew it was gonna rain, but he said, he just couldn't stand the car looking so dirty. Now, my brother and I are going to go color for a bit, he's off from school tommorrow thus, the lateage of our coloring session. Oh yeah, watched "Never Kill A Boy On the First Date" from Season 1 last night, and it was adorable, i had been wanting to watch that one for a long time. I love the innocent Scoobies and un-weighed down by the burden of her slayerness Buffy. I really feel like watching "Doppelgandland" from Season 3 with Vamp Willow in it, so i might do that in a little bit. Who knows?

"I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it’s nothing to me?
Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw
I’ll make the most of all the sadness
You’ll be a bitch because you can
You’ll try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Cause you can’t understand" "Slow Dancing In a Burning Room" by John Mayer

So beautiful. Night.

You were an island to discover...

2006-10-07T01:15:00.000-05:00

Well finally I have gotten myself motivated enough to try and post about my all-time favorite song "Warning Sign" from Coldplay. I absolutely love this song beyond all reason. I got the Coldplay c.d. "A Rush of Blood to the Head" a few years ago because I remember John Mayer mentioning that he loved Coldplay and I thought, "Well, if John Mayer likes them that much, they must be really great so I went and got the album. I loved it, but I didn't really notice the song "Warning Sign" at first. I just knew that I loved the overall sound of the album and Coldplay.

So anyway one night I was searching through different iMixes on iTunes comprised of Buffy the Vampire Slayer songs (this was while I was still watching the series for the first time, I think I was watching Season 6 at the time) and seeing what kinds of songs people had chosen to put on their playlists, and if they were songs from the show or just songs that they thought fit the show. Anyway I was also checking to see how many of the songs I had already and I saw Coldplay and got really excited. I saw that it was "Warning Sign" and knew I had that. I went to my iTunes library and played it. I immediately loved the song and everything about it. I listened to it that night about 15 times in a row, while I was on the computer. From then on I was obsessed with the song. I listened to it constantly, mulling over the lyrics. I had yet to see the episode it was featured in but I looked it up on a particularly cool Buffy site and found out it was from a Season 7 episode called "Him". I didn't really know the context in which the song would be played yet but I was excited because the song is beautiful, musically and lyrically.

Finally when we got to "Him" I had kind of forgotten about it but I remembered as soon as I heard the opening chord and then I was just kind of disappointed. It plays during a part, where to me it doesn't really fit and makes no sense being there. Now, 99% of the time, BtVS is extremely good at not just putting in filler songs cause they're popular and if they do use a popular song its relevancy is so spot on that it doesn't matter, but with "Warning Sign" I just didn't see the fit with the scene. But that did not deter me from my love for the song. I just loved the sound and the lyrics and the meaning of it. Once I was finished with the entire series, I realized one day while I was listening to the song how perfectly, for me anyway, the song fit the Spike and Buffy relationship at the end of Season 7. That did it for me, the song "Warning Sign" was gonna forever have a huge spot in my heart. Here are the lyrics:

Warning Sign
A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst,
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in,
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in,
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so,
And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go,
No.

(piano solo)

So I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms,
And I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

Now for the most part I tend to look at this as Buffy's words to Spike at the end of the series, like in "Touched", "Empty Places" and "Chosen", but it also fits what Spike might say to Buffy as well. The first verse:

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst,
I started looking for excuses.

These two verses make me think of what Buffy might say to Spike about their relationship prior to this point ("Touched" and so on), that she missed what was good about Spike and what he could have been had she given him half a chance to show her something besides a sexual relationship, but she didn't want to give him that chance, Buffy didn't want Spike to be good and show kindness and the ability to change when he did not have a soul because the would show some basic internal flaw in Angel that was not inherent in Spike. Buffy did not want to see that Spike could be good and love her without a soul because it would mean that Angel, when he was Angelus, with his evil soulless ways could have been the same as Spike but was not. Also, after a while Buffy wanted to be punished, she wanted to feel dark and sick about what she was doing with Spike so any goodness that Spike had and wanted to show her, she blocked out and looked instead for the souless demon in him to justify her hating him. Chorus:

Come on in,
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in,
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

This makes me think of what Buffy is telling Spike at some point during those last three episodes, she's telling Spike, ok I'm letting you in now and I'm telling you that I realize what I did before, I was looking for all the things that were wrong with you and wrong with out relationship and wrong with me so I didn't have to look at the relationship in terms of maybe finding something more worth living for and being happy and justified in my feelings for a soulless vampire. She was looking for a warning sign and overlooked the goodness that was already there. Chorus:

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

I can see Buffy telling Spike and now I realize what I've done, what I did and I miss you, I know what you are offering and what you wanted to do for me and now I see that, I'm ready to admit that I feel so deeply for you and know that you feel the same way about me and I'm not afraid of the truth anymore. Second verse:

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

I love this verse, to me its Buffy saying I wanted to see the bad things, the warning sign, that would make it ok for me to treat you the way I did and not allow you to love me, but you would not leave my mind, you wouldn't leave my heart and soul, you are a part of my very being now and you were haunting me, not letting me forget you and reject love. I realize now how special you were then and are now, you were there Spike, to give me unconditional love, if only I had let you, you were there to try and be a good man, an asset to my team and family and I wouldn't let you, you were an island to discover but I didn't want to see any of that so I passed right on by. Chorus:

When the truth is,
I miss you,
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so,
And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go,
No.

I think of Buffy telling Spike this after she comes to the realization that all she was really doing was looking for that warning sign. Buffy wanted there to be something wrong, but deep down she knew that somewhere in Spike and somewhere in herself there was room to make their relationship more than it had been up to that point. Buffy says but you know what, I realize now that I was wrong in doing that and I'm tired of pretending I was ok in pushing you away, I should have realized what I had and what you were willing to offer me and I should have helped you to be the man you had it in you to be before you got your soul, I shouldn't have turned you away and broken you down. But I can also see Spike saying this to Buffy as well, telling her this is how I felt when I was away from you in Africa. He would say he missed her so much then and realized that what he had done to prompt him to leave was the ultimate in wrong, and essentially is what he did to let her go, and he knows he never should have done it. I can see Spike telling Buffy he was tired of being seen by Buffy as only a soulless monster and acting on that image of himself, he wanted to be the good man he knew he could be song long ago like he told Cecily. Last verse:

So I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms,
And I crawl back into your open arms,
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

This is the part that makes me tear up and makes me love the song more than I have ever loved any song before. This verse goes both ways. I think this song should have been played during the scene between Spike and Buffy in "Touched" (but I do concede that "It's Only Love" by Heather Nova was breath-taking), its the ultimate capper to their relationship, its their final peacemaking, its their silent "I love you" to the other and their realization that they have always been there waiting for eachother, and now they can be safe again in eachothers arms. Spike has always been waiting for Buffy, never gave up on her, went to fight for his soul, risked his life, did away with his pride and gave her simple, pure unconditional love and never wavered from that and never withdrew that love for Buffy, it was always there waiting for Buffy to crawl back into his arms and take it. And Buffy is finally giving this to Spike in return, Spike finally gets to hold her and love her the way he wants to as an ensouled man, but Buffy also holds him and gives him unconditional love and realizes that this love for him has always been there untapped somewhere beneath the surface waiting for the time when Buffy was ready to give it and Spike was ready to take it. They were able to take solace in eachother's arms for the rest of the series and know that they were truly, unconditionally loved for those moments and they were ok in doing so. Its just absolutely beautiful to me.

I love the song so much because I can see all these aspects of the Spike and Buffy relationship portrayed in it, but also because if looked at outside the context of Spike and Buffy (what? such a thing exsists?!), its still just as beautiful and heartbreaking and relatable. Its just about realizing that you made a mistake and didn't give the person who was trying to love you enough credit, you passed them by without even trying to see them. But in the end that person loves you so much and is waiting with open arms to take you back in and love you unconditionally. I can't think of anything more beautiful than that.

"A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover." "Warning Sign" by Coldplay

Night.

Lies My Parents Told Me...

2006-10-06T01:01:00.000-05:00

So, ok today was a decent day, but God my mother always pisses me off. She just rubs me the wrong way about 90% of the time. I try to be nice and play the good daughter and indulge her craziness but its hard to do. I swear to God, i think she's bipolar. And i dont mean that to be insultive or funny, i seriously think she is. Her moods go from crazy happy to screaming monster bitch without a moments notice. You never know whats gonna set her off and get you in trouble or get you yelled at and given nasty looks for the rest of the day.

Like ok tonight, i went to go get her from work and i called her on her cellphone to say i was there and she said oh good im walking out right now, so i said, ok im just driving around again so...hello? mom are you there? She hung up on me in the middle of a fucking sentence. So i drive back around, she gets in the car and i just kind of non-confrontationally ask her why she hung up on me. She laughs and says, "I was finished talking." Can you believe that shit? How rude is that? I was in the middle of a sentence but she was finished talking so she hung up on me. She does that all the time, hangs up on people when they're on the phone with her. Well actually she only does that with us, me, my sister and my dad.

With everyone else she's civil and uses her manner and actually says goodbye and allows them to finish a sentence, but with us, she's rude and just forgets how to be a civilized being. When she's at work, she'll call my dad at work and hang up on him and he says sometimes he'll keep talking for a second and say "ok, bye" just so he's not embarrassed that she hung up on him. And the thing is, in many of those instances where she hangs up on us abrubtly she's not even angry she's just gotten so used to it and has let it become such a bad habit that she does it as almost a second nature. Its so annoying and rude.

Anyway, i didnt really press that issue in the car too much, i mean i told her it was rude and she was like well you do it all the time to me, which is total bullshit. I have hung up on her 3 times in the last month or so because her abrupt hangups have gotten so ludicrously out of control that i wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine. She's been doing this for months.

Anyway a few minutes later in the car i said i wanted her to listen to this song from the new John Mayer c.d. Continuum, its called "Stop this Train" and i told her its my favorite from his new album. I said please listen to this its so pretty. So of course she immediately starts off with "this sounds stupid" which was just joking but it was annoying that i asked her to please listen and she's being all blah about it. Anyway, at one of my most favorite lines in the song, she of course asks a stupid question about whether or not my dad made dinner yet and i kind of put up my hand like hang on listen to this, and then as i was making a turn she totally got all drama queen, which she loves to do, and like grabbed the side of the door and the handle thing at the top, also referred to as the "oh shit bar" and was like whoa. Holy shit, i made that turn like a grandma snail, she just wanted to be all nonchalant about the song. So i was thouroughly annoyed with her and we finally go home and i just turned the song off and she was like laughing and i said, "i dont know why i try to show you anything, you're so snotty" and she said i was gonna ask you a question about the stupid song, bitch (she's always calling my sister and i bitches, even when she's not mad, but especially when she is) and i was like yeah right. So anyway that was that.

Then later her, my dad, and my sister all were gonn watch Lost, they had it on the DVR and hadn't yet watched it, I hate Lost so i went upstairs. After it was over, she and my sister came up and my mom started ranting about how messy it was upstairs and then she proceeded to sit there on the bed staring at me for about 2 minutes, while i was on the computer. Finally she said, "in case you can't tell, i want on the computer." Holy crap that pissed me off. The other day i told her the way she went about telling people to get off the computer was rude so i guess this was her mature alternative to that. Usually she'll come up here and if someone's on the computer she'll say "I need on" and then stand there and if youre not off in 12 seconds she flips. Its just so fucking rude and i told her that the other day when she did it, so tonight she just came in and stared at me for 2 minutes. Of course i knew what she wanted but i sat there like i didnt know, because honestly how hard would it be for her to say "hey i need on in just a minute ok , you can finish that up though" or something to that effect and hey the computer is all yours but her methods and lack of manners is infuriating. So of course i told her that was rude too and she was like "oh i forgot youre so perfect i should try to be more like you" and blah blah she basically did her crazy lady routine, which she does from time to time.

So i went downstairs and my dad was like "what happened?" and i told him. He starts off on how i just have to let her do it and deal with it and i got upset and said he's always making the things that she does ok, no matter how rude. And he got a little upset and was like "just listen ok, you know she's gonna do it, you know there's nothing you can do to change her so why fight it." And he has a point but its so crappy.

Anyway she came back down and she was fine (coughbipolarcough) and she said she was going to bed. She wanted William to sleep with her and i said just make sure to leave the door open a little, and she said "im not stupid, i hate you, get out" and i laughed and said you sounded like a 5 year old. She laughed and it was fine. I went upstairs and was gonna get on the computer and of course she turned the fucking thing off. So i turned it back on and went down, burst through her closed door (which i admit was rude and bad for me to do) and said "why would you turn the computer off, you knew i was gonna get back on, thats so inconsiderate." She said dont come bursting into my room like that, all the things you dont like that i do, you do too, get out." I said she acted like such a kid and went upstairs. Then she called me down, well more like yelled my name and started yelling at me. She said if i didnt like the way she did things and if i was so tired of everything i should move out. Belive me if i made enough money and i didnt love my brother so damn much i would have a long time ago. Anyway i laughed and said its nothing about me disliking you i just dislike how rude and inconsiderate you are towards all of us but how you treat Samantha and Ashley like queens. Samantha and Ashley are her half sisters whom she recently, well a few months ago, started talkig with and hanging out with more often. They are 1 year older and 1 year younger than me and one has 3 kids, the other has 4. She treats them like they're the salt of the earth, best thing since Buffy the Vampire Slayer (lol) and treats us like crap. She said god youre so jealous of them, and said yeah you treat them so much better and we're youre fucking family right here. If they all had to live together all the time they wouldnt be so buddy buddy, i guarantee that.

Anyway she's just so rude and it annoys the shit out of me that she's the supposed adult and she gets to be the name-calling, hanging up on, in your face yelling, drama queen that she wants to be and thrives on and we just have to let it happen cuz she's some kind of nutcase walking a thin line.

Anyway, other things about today: I got my iPod back finally! I made sure i put it in my purse as soon as i got to work today and it is now safely on my bed where it belongs. And yesterday after waxing poetic about my iPod lol, i checked it out, and it looks like they didnt even touch it, much less look at it, so for that i am grateful to them.

Oh yea i forgot, i got a letter in the mail the other day that says i have jury duty in a few weeks. That's crazy. I've never had jury duty before, im nervous annoyed and a little excited all at the same time. I wonder what its gonna be like.

The title of this post is also the title of one of my very favorite episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Lies My Parents Told Me" from Season 7. Its an episode with Spike as the main plot, realizing why the trigger is significant and coming to terms with what he did as a new vampire so long ago and just basically having an epiphany. I absolutely love the episode and the title seemed to fit my rant a litte, well they both have to do with parents lol.

That's all for now. It's still pretty early i may post something else in a little bit on livejournal, lol, or upload some more pics. The night is young and i have nothing to do tomorrow, no work, no getting up early, no pressing plans, just going to Target lol. William was fine today by the way, sweet as ever, but he has been getting a bit more fiesty lately, maybe he can be called Spike yet. lol.

...There's something bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case
You tell me where to go
And though I might leave to find it
I'll never let you head hit the bed without my hand behind it...John Mayer "You're Body is a Wonderland"

Night.

I like mushy peas...

2006-10-05T02:07:00.000-05:00

So, let me start out this post by saying, fuck. Now, that I've got that out of my system, let me explain why i said that.

I left my iPod at my employers house, AGAIN! On Tuesday, i took it with me, because i knew i would need a pick me up and I love having my iPod there so i can have some music i enjoy while i play with the kids. Plus, they have the super nice, super expensive Bose iPod dock so it makes it that much more fun lol. Anyway i was playing it and then i just turned it off but i didnt take it off the dock. Well i should have because i forgot it. But i forgot that i forgot about that until later on that night when i was ready to go to bed. Thats when i was like "What the fuck?" where is my iPod and then i was really worried for about 5 seconds that maybe i had left it in my purse in the car, (and i had forgotten to lock my door when we went into the store, stupid!) and someone had opened the door and taken the iPod. Then i remembered that i hadnt taken it off the dock at their house.

So i went to bed without it but it was strange and hard to do because i am a creature of habit, i thrive on it. Anyway today i called her and asked her if i could go in at 4:30 p.m. instead of 5 so i could leave at 7:30 p.m. instead of 8 and she said yea, and i asked her if i had left my iPod there and she said yes it was there. So color me thrilled that it wasnt stolen just left behind by my dumb ass. So i get there today and instead of walking directly over to it, taking off the dock and putting it in my purse i mistakenly think i will remember it before i leave, so i dont think about it anymore, besides i was a bit busy ya know? Anyway fastforward to about 7 minutes ago when i was thinking about a song that i wanted to add to a playlist and then remembering that i failed yet again to bring my iPod home with me and then that brings you up to the f-word, so we're all caught up.

I hate leaving my iPod there. My iPod has never been left somewhere by me like this before. Once i thought someone had stolen my iPod (my uncle's less than honest, according to my aunts and mom, girlfriend, had come over with him and later that night when we i was looking for my iPod and it was nowhere to be seen, my mom and dad seemed convinced she had taken it; turns out my brother had hidden it for me in his bottom drawer cause the iPod was on my bed and he didnt want out little cousins to get it and mess it up, I have never wanted to hug him or beat him so badly lol)but that has been really the only scare like that, knock on wood. But thinking about my iPod, being over at their house makes me feel exposed and uncomfortable.

I mean, to me, my iPod is like a diary of sorts. It houses all the songs that make up so much of my thoughts and feelings and likes and interests. My iPod is like a part of and those songs are like an extension of myself, they explain me when my own words cannot, they comfort me when there is no one else to do the job or the people who try just cant get it right, they fire me up when im feeling sluggish, they inspire me when im nervous, they let me know im not alone when i can relate to what is being said through lyrics or music, when im angry they give me a channel to release that anger into.

I have playlists on there that could tell so much about me, my Buffy playlists, my sleeping playlists, my running playlist, my dancing playlist, my cleaning playlist, my Someday playlist, my sexy (or good to have sex to) playlist, and lots of others that speak about certain aspects of who i am. My top 25 most played songs could tell you what my favorite song is and then that by extension could tell you much about me, the artists that i have on there and the different genres could tell you that i am a varied person with many different tastes musically and lyrically and those in turn all help to explain who i am.

But the thing is, those are private. I mean I'm posting it here, but i seriously doubt anyone will ever read this and even so, I dont know you so its not like im exposing myself in some irreversible way. It's not even like its embarrassing or something, its not really, but its just that part of me thats private and its just sitting in a dock in someone else's home. A part of me exposed and ready to spill my secrets. Does anyone else feel that strongly about their music?

In other aspects of my life, today was relatively normal i.e. boring. The new Target opened today and i didnt get to go. That made me sad. My sister and i went at about 10 p.m. cuz i figured they would keep the same hours as the other Target, which is open till 11p.m. but no they were closed so i will have to try again tomorrow and if not then definitely friday.

William has decided that he doesnt want to eat his dry food nearly as often anymore. He now rushed to the kitchen anytime he hears the fridge open and he devours the wet food, we buy him the little Whiskas packets, but now he won't eat the dry food, Meow Mix Indoor Formula, nearly as much. Oh well, I'll get him whatever he'll eat, and we still give him dry food to have throughout the day.

The title of this post is a quote from Giles in the season 4 episode "Pangs". Here's the dialouge where this quote is from:

Willow : Hey.

Buffy : Peas?

Willow : Peas.

Buffy takes the small box of peas leaving Willow to struggle with a mound of books.

Buffy : These are frozen.

Giles : What's all that?

Willow : Atrocities. I got the full poop on the chumash indians and our fabulous buried mission.

Buffy : You said you were going to get fresh ones.

Willow : Atrocities?

Buffy : Peas. They come in little pods. You were going to shell them.

Willow : I didn't have time. I was busy reading about the chumash war.

Giles : The chumash were peaceful.

Willow : Oh, they were peaceful, all right. They were fluffy indigenous kittens, till we came along.

Buffy : They're gonna be mushy.

Willow : They won't be mushy.

Giles : I like mushy peas.

Buffy : You're the reason we had to have pilgrims in the first place.

LOL, i freakin love that scene and that episode is one of my top ten favorites, for me, easily the funnist in the entire series. I adore it.

Well i suppose thats it for now. Oh lol, yea i just remembered, i did go back and complete my livejournal account. I just couldnt stand having something out there that belonged to me that was left incomplete. So i went and simplified it all up and wrote a little first post post, but i still just prefer this one, i just feel like we're already old buddies and i feel comfortable here. I dont know maybe I'll try and keep them both updated. I was never very good at remembering the lessons i was taught.

"It's been so long i should just move on, there's other fish in the sea, but I keep hoping that you'll swim back home to, I'm just glad i got the chance to know you, you'll forever be the one that got away." Allister. Night.

Try not to piss anyone off

2006-10-04T01:39:00.000-05:00

So, today was a normal day. I actually got up a little earlier than i usually get up on tuesday mornings, becasue my brother came into my room and said he'd had a bad dream and wanted to know if he could sleep with me. I told him yes, but then of course when it was time to wake him up to get ready for school that meant i had to get up as well and since it was already like 7:20 a.m. there wasnt much time for sleeping anymore. I basically stayed in bed for about 20 minutes more and then finally got up and started getting going.

William slept with me practically the whole night last night which was nice to be able to wake up and see or feel his warm, furry little body sleeping on top of my blanket at various times throughout the night.

Anyway this morning at work i started out good, not tired at all, and then of course at about 11:30 a.m. i started getting a little tired and that's so hard to come back from. I fought through it and was able to have fun with the boys today. Of course today though, my employer asked me if i could start getting there at 9:15 instead of 9:30 a.m. because she's volunteered herself to go to the oldest child's school and read to them or something every frickin tuesday. That doesnt seem like much of a difference and in reality it is only 15 minutes, but that's 15 minutes. Thats a lot of time for someone who values their sleep as much as i do. Anyway made it through another tuesday, that's all i can ask for.

Tonight, me and the rest of my family, sans my sister who was at an acadeca meet, watched the two new episodes of "Meerkat Manor" we had recorded on the DVR and they were great. I love those little guys. And we watched the last bit of Monday night Raw that was also on the DVR. I know, i know, i should hang my head in shame for watching RAW much less admitting to actually watching it, but my brother got me into it and damn it that show isnt addictive. Everyone here at my house, against their better judgment and tastes, watches and loves Monday night RAW and Friday night SmackDown. Lol, its crazy.

Anyway after that my sister finally got home and she and i finally got to watch what we have been waiting months for, the season premiere of "Veronica Mars". It has been forever since I've watched a show that i actually cared a ton about, well aside from "House" which i adore, and couldnt wait for the season premiere of to air. This was so exciting. The post title comes from the opening lines of tonight's show spoken by Veronica in voiceover. I love Veronica Mars, not only because she and i share the same first name lol, (i know thats lame) but also because she is so adorable (or rather Kristen Bell is adorable) and she's so smart and sassy and savvy. I aspire to be a bit like her. There are often comparisons made between this show and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (ha, thought i could go through an entire post without mentioning Buffy, but alas I cannot resist) and some of the comparisons i can see. For me the major ones are the female in the lead role, who is not some submissive, ditzy, insider person living the charmed life until, gasp, her boyfriend cheats on her and she has to move on, or something as banal as that, and the other major similarity i can see is the witty dialouge. The snappy, witty, sarcastic humor and tossed about little one-liners are very reminisent of Buffy and i love that.

Of course, i think "Veronica Mars" rocks but it cannot hold a candle to Buffy and for me i dont think it ever will. Dont get me wrong i most definitly want VM to do well and carry on past this third season but the title for favorite show, show that changed my life and opened my eyes to so many things, will forever belong to Buffy, first and foremost.

One last thing, the new Target store opens in my city tomorrow. Words cannot express how excited i am about this. I absolutely love Target. It's my favorite store. Their stuff is cute, trendy but not too trendy and not super expensive. Plus, this particular location is much closer to me than the Target we have right now so thats good, because i am constantly going to Target and that eats up a lot of gas money. Anyhow, i hope i am able to go tomorrow and check it all out. "It takes some silence to make sound..." Jason Mraz. Goodnight.

The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture

2006-10-03T02:34:00.000-05:00

So, yeah let's see right now I'm listening to Rob Zombie "Living Dead Girl", this song will always remind me of Faith from BtVS. I think they played it for a scene where she was dancing in a club in L.A. on Season 1 of Angel. It really does suit her well.

That's something i absolutely adore about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. They use music so well, especially Buffy. BtVS uses music so much, it's almost like another character in the show. It too has evolved from not so great to fantastic mostly unknown or lesser known stuff that just blows your mind with its relevancy to the actual situation going on in the episode or with the character in that particular scene. There are so many instances where i just have gone, "Oh my god, i never realized it but that song fits so perfectly with whats going on right now, its like an extra bit of character analysis. I absolutely love it and thats one of the things i want to eventually get around to posting about.

Anyway the title of this post comes from the Season 2 ep of Buffy "Reptile Boy" and it's something Giles tells Buffy at the end of the ep after she's nearly been eaten by a giant snake demon called Machida while at a frat party with Cordy. She told a lie to Giles so she could go to the party and of course it was a "Buffy party" and she nearly got killed. So Giles tells her that afterwards and I love that.

I chose it because i wanted to try and get a Livejournal account and maybe use that as my blogging command central but man was it stupid. I mean it just wasnt nearly as satisfying as i thought it would be ya know?

First of all i had to do this stupid age verification thing becasue apparently someone under the age of 13 had used our computer to create a livejournal account, which is total bullshit, I'm the only one who's ever even been to that site and hello, so not under 13. So that was annoying and then the layouts and color choices were shit and there are advertisements to the side on your blog page which totally bites and takes out some of the personal feeling of it. In order to be free of advertisements, you either have to get the basic account which has crap to offer or get the paid account which is only like 2 bucks but still what a hassle and 2 dollars is a song or two on iTunes, thanks but no thanks. I just decided i much prefer this site and I really like what i've been able to do on my own, so as far as my brave venture out into the world of livejournal "The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture."

I will be happy with what I have for right now. Besides I now have created the account and have the name and url so if i decide i want to post to a community or comment on something which is why i really wanted an lj account in the first place, now i can.

On other fronts, i should totally be in bed right now, i have to be up at 8:30 a.m. because i have to be at work at 9:30 a.m. ugh, i hate Monday nights and Tuesday mornings. I despise getting up early almost more than anything else. But then I do get to get out of work at 2:30 p.m. which is cool cuz then i have the rest of the day free and i dont go to work on Wednesdays till 4:30 p.m. and sometimes 5p.m., so its all good. But i stay up to late and sleep to long so I'm not tired when i should be and then im tired on Tuesday morning.

Today my dad cleaned the carpets and so today all day walking around was disgusting, because the carpets were all damp and cold. I hate that. It was like no place was safe and i had to keep my feet up so they didn't freeze off.

Oh yeah, one of the two Buffy books i'm expecting arrived today! It was "The Watcher's Guide Volume 1" and i am so excited. It seems really great and has all these quotes, I'm a sucker for quotes, and interviews and just little tidbits and stuff. It's awesome. The next book "The Watcher's Guide Volume 2" should arrive shortly. Then I'll have more books to order lol.

William is doing great. Today a couple of times he actually went like a little crazy and was running around clawing at imaginary things on the wall and attacking a towel that was on the floor. It was adorable because prior to this, he has not really been a very crazy, active cat. He is the sweetest little thing though, i adore him. Sometime I'll have to post about all my pets that i have loved and think about often. I'm a nerd but i make no apologies for it, i love my animals.

Oh yeah, last night i watched two episodes of Buffy both from Season 2. First i watched "What's My Line Pt. 2" because i felt like seeing Spike and that was an episode with lots of Spike in it for a Season 2 ep, aside from "School Hard" which i had just recently watched. I love the end scene where Drusilla's health is all restored and Spike is now the one who's hurt and she just lifts him up so easily and carries him off. It's so romantic in a gothic-y sort of way, and its suits Spike so perfectly, him being in the role of the woman, submissive and carried out. I love it. Then i watched "Becoming Pt. 2" which is fan-freakin-tastic, lots of Spike and Dru, the wicked awesome Angelus and just so much stuff. I love all the scenes between Spike, Buffy and Joyce, like this scene:

Spike: What, your mum doesn't know?

Buffy glares at Spike.

Joyce: (to Spike) Know what?

Buffy: (faces her mom) That I'm, uh... in a band. A-a rock band with
Spike here. (shoots Spike a look)

Spike: Right. She plays the, the triangle.

Buffy: Drums.

Spike: Drums, yeah. She's, uh, hell on the old skins, you know.

Joyce: (unconvinced) Hmm. And, uh, what do you do?

Spike: Well, I sing.

Lol, i freakin love the scene, all of their faces and expressions are fantastic. I got that from the site Buffyworld.com btw, its an awesome site because like i said im a sucker for quotes and when i cant remember a certain quote I'll go there and find the transcript and all is well again.

Also, today i made a book called "Willow's Great Escape" (i told you im obsessed lol)about a mouse who is very brave and has to save her brother, William (named after William/Spike from BtVS and our new kitty by proxy) who's in a mouse trap and she gets help from a cat named Lola (Lola was my last kitty who i loved and still do so very very much I really will have to post about them all) and then all is well at the end. I made it for the kids i take care of because something that one of them said today inspired me for some reason and so voila there it is. It's pretty cute if i do say so myself, certainly not published and bestseller worthy but still cute.

Anyway i suppose thats all for tonight. I shall go to bed and wake up far too tired. "Wish me monsters". Night.

There's a kitty sleeping next to me

2006-10-02T02:07:00.000-05:00

Well, let's see, I feel that I have a lot that I want to talk about, but as it stands at this moment I think this may be a short post (well short for me anyway) because i really want to watch an episode of Angel or Buffy, I haven't decided yet, and since it's already 2 a.m. I should get started. Just wanted to write about a few things real quick.

I finally did some maintenance on this page, I'm no professional but the fact that I figured out how to make some things work and get some things to look the way I wanted them to is something that amazes me and makes me a little proud of myself. I added the links to my favorite websites on here too; I'll add more as I have more time. Some peoples' blogs are fancy (one of my favorite words!) and that made me feel like I should do a bit more with mine. I'll try to post pictures and stuff as well. I really want to do some posts about certain songs and what the lyrics mean to me and why I love them. I want to do some posts about certain pieces of artwork I found on the internet that I think are wicked cool and just post about the general, swirly thoughts going on in my head at any given moment.

Today was pretty boring, the best part of today was watching the Dallas Cowboys beat the Tennessee Titans (I'm a product of my upbringing and the Cowboys were and are a part of that). The other good part was me, my brother and my sister all playing with the new kitty and just watching the random adorableness.

He's this so cute little orangey kitty we found the other night. Well actually, my dad was outside and he came in and said, "Look at the cat", and my sister went to the door, called to him and he ran straight inside. I wasn't home when they found him and I was sad because I knew that by the time I got home he would be gone again. But, when I pulled up a couple of hours later, the kitty was still there outside the house and I called to him and he came right up to me and let me pick him up. I took him in and fell in love. But after a while I put him out cuz I knew he belonged to someone and I didn’t want to keep him from going home. But when I went outside at 4:30 a.m. to take my mom to work there was the kitty again and I was so sad because it was chilly outside and his paws and fur were cold. So I took him with me in the car and he was so great.

He's the sweetest little thing ever; he hasn't bitten or scratched anyone. In the car I discovered that he was de-clawed, which made me a little angry because if you're going to have your cat de-clawed it is your responsibility to either keep the cat indoors where there are no dangers presented to him/her or be more watchful and aware of the time its outside (I'm beginning to think that what happened was that someone just dumped this precious little kitty outside on purpose).

However, this is now 4 days later and he has yet to make a beeline for the door and try to escape. We bought him a litter box and all the other necessities needed for a kitty. We also gave him a name, William, named after, you guessed it, Spike. Spike was called William when he was still human and therefore alive, but when he became a badass, sexy vampire he changed his name to Spike. I decided to call him William, because yes I am obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all things Spike, but there really is more to it than that. William was a very sensitive man, he loved to write poetry and appreciated the fine things in life, he was very open and honest although perhaps a bit shy and nerdy (more reasons to love Spike), and when he became a vampire and fleshed out the persona of Spike he still retained the sensitivity and awareness and honesty that make me love him so much. Anyhow, although I desperately wanted to name the kitty Spike, it just didn’t fit. I mean if he had been wild and running around and biting people I would have called him Spike lol, but he just lazes around, loves to be held, purrs like a Mack truck, rubs against our legs all the time and shows little interest in playing with any toys, so I called him William because he seems so sweet and sensitive. I love him.

Well that’s all for now, I'll try and post again tomorrow and who knows maybe I'll actually get around to posting about the things I actually planned to do in the first place. Goodnight.

Online shopping is so addictive

2006-09-28T01:24:00.001-05:00

So, okay i did get the night off. My employer was totally cool about it and said "have fun, we'll see you tomorrow." She rocks (most of the time). So me, my sister and my brother went and had pizza along with many of his teachers and kids from his school. It was supposed to be like a family night thing, but yea there was like nothing to it except that all the people there for the family night sat together in one big room but still with their family or friends. I thought that was pretty funny, its supposed to be all about school spirit and whatnot but all it was was me being uncomfortable having to eat gross pizza. But my brother wanted to go and he had fun playing the games afterward and seeing his friends so it was worth it i suppose.

Then afterwards we went to Hastings, and i was looking for a specific book, couldnt find it of course. So we were walking around and my sister showed me a Spike action figure! I absolutely fell in love with it. I mean it looked perfect. There was a Subway Spike figure and then a vamped out Spike in his trademark black leather coat. They were too cool for words. I obviously knew there were Spike action figures (as well as practically everyone else from the Buffyverse, which includes Angel the Series) but i had never seen one in person. The action figure was pretty expensive, at least for me, at 40 bucks but i so would have bought it had it not been quite that much. But i told everyone that im going to buy them.

I think im going to look online, because surely you can find them for cheaper online. I love Amazon. I suck at eBay shit, but Amazon i love because you find it, you click it, add it to your cart, and say buy and you know its yours, no ones going to take it away from you by 3 measly cents. So tonight i bought 2 Buffy books which was exciting. I have never read books about Buffy before and im not talking fiction books that aren't really cannon i just can't see myself reading those, but never say never. Anyway im excited because most of the reviews for them seemed favorable and im a sucker for behind the scenes stuff and trivia and quotes and all that jazz. The two books i bought tonight were The Watcher's Guide Volumes 1 and 2. I didn't get Volume 3 yet because that one was 10 bucks and i didnt feel like spending that much right now. I spent 10 bucks on both of these books together. Also the other night i bought another Buffy book "Seven Seasons of Buffy" and that one should come tomorrow or today rather. I am so excited about that one. Its just like all kinds of writers and behind the scenes people writing about the show they love. I cant wait.

And now i want to start looking for the book i didnt find at Hastings online too. And start looking into Spike action figures and action figures of all the other Buffyverse characters. I never thought i would be someone who would want to collect action figures and read books about a televison show, but anyone who shares my love and obsession with this show knows how quickly it settles into your heart and imagination.

Well look at that its only 1:30 a.m. and im pretty much finished with what i want to do so i may try to go to bed. Or maybe I'll watch an episode of Buffy... Night.

We'll Both Be Safe till' St. Patrick's Day

2006-09-27T17:20:00.000-05:00

I love this song, its one of my favorites from John Mayer called "St. Patrick's Day" and since I'm listening to a new version of it I just bought, I thought I would make a line from the song be my title post.

I hate asking for days off from work. I not only feel bad, especially when it has to be short notice, but it’s also kind of embarrassing. I hate doing it and its not that my employer is rude or doesn’t give me the day off, (although she has been known to be bitchy to me every once in a while when I ask for a day off and that does contribute to my reluctance to ask) I just hate asking for things like that and then getting them. I feel bad about it. I want to take my brother to this family night thing his school is doing tonight at a pizza place. My mom will be at work or she would obviously do it and I wouldn’t be having a dilemma here. The thought of my dad or my sister taking my brother to this event is laughable. They just wouldn’t do it. So now I have to call in a little bit and grovel and ask to have tonight off. I hate it but I suppose that’s all part of being an adult. Or maybe being an adult means that sometimes you don’t get to do the things you want no matter that it’s not for you in the first place, and you just have to go to work and not have the day off. But then again my brother is not the adult and it’s not his fault he can’t go otherwise. So I think part of being an adult is knowing that sometimes, for the sake of your child/sibling/sanity you have to ask for certain things no matter how embarrassed or reluctant you might feel about it.

Btw, got decent sleep last night. I went to bed around 4 a.m. or something and got up at noon today lol. I probably could have slept longer than that too.

“No way November will see our goodbyes, when it comes to December it’s obvious why, No one wants to be alone at Christmas time, come January we’re frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times, February won’t you be my Valentine, and if our always is all that we gave and we some day take that away I’ll be alright if it was just till’ St. Patrick’s Day.” John Mayer

How? What? How? Three excellent questions.

2006-09-27T04:02:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday after I completed signing up for this blog i decided it was time to go to bed. So off to bed i went seeing as how i had to be up at 7:30 a.m. to be at work at 8:30 a.m. which is an hour earlier than i usually go in on Tuesdays. I always say i'll have to be a bartender or something because i simply cannot go to sleep early i think i am physically incapable of doing that. Take this whole situation right now as an example of this.

Let’s go back to me going to bed last night after i finished this stuff up. It was about 2 a.m. i believe and i thought sleep would come normally. Well, so i hooked up my iPod up to my nifty little pillow with a speaker inside of it (my mom bought this for me) and laid down to listen to the playlist i listen to almost every night. It's called "Eat, SLEEP, and Breathe Buffy", with an emphasis on the sleep because i have at least two other playlists dealing with Buffy songs, most directly from the show itself, a few just felt like they would have been at home on Buffy so they are on the playlists too.

Anyway this sleepy playlist starts out with a podcast about Spike. I have listened to it almost 200 times but the man's voice is soothing so i listen to it every night. Then it plays "Warning Sign" by Coldplay, which btw is my all time favorite song and i shall be posting about that sometime soon. After that it goes on to play other quiet, soft, soothing, sleepy songs up until song 10 and then the "Once More With Feeling" Soundtrack starts but i put these here because my theory was that by the time the podcast and 9 other songs were over i would be asleep and not woken up by the more lively songs from "OMWF". And i am usually asleep by the time those songs come on. After that it goes back to soft, soothing quiet songs, then towards the end i have a few audio sound bytes from Spike and then a couple more songs and the playlist just starts back over.

Anyway last night i stayed awake through the entire podcast, which i dont do very often, then through all the songs after that until "OMWF" was about to start. I was worried. By then it was already after 3 a.m. and i was not in the least bit sleepy. So i got up, got back on the computer and basically did nothing for an hour or so. Then i went back to my room, tried to sleep again and just could not. I woke up and put in "Wild At Heart" a BtVS episode from Season 4, a very sad one where Oz leaves Willow, (my second favorite character), with the commentary track running, which included Joss Whedon, (cue the reverential music and god-like awe), Marti Noxon and Seth Green. I had never watched this episode with the commentary and it was pretty funny. After that was over it was now about 5 a.m. give or take and i had pretty much come to terms with the fact that sleep would not be happening. So i put in another episode "Reptile Boy" from Season 2 and listened to the directors commentary on the episode since i had never heard that one before either.

So of course at around 6:45 a.m i start to get sleepy and actually start falling asleep. By then its too late to go to bed and i just had to get up and get ready to go. So all day today or rather yesterday to be precise, i was more sleepy than i have been in a long time. But now here it is 3:30 a.m. again and i am still up. Not a nap to be had all day long and i am still here. I got my second wind but dammit i should be tired. I suspect that as soon as i lay down i'll be asleep before i know it.

The title of this post is a snippet of dialouge from my second favorite episode in the entire series of Buffy. It's from "Something Blue". This episode revolves around Willow, who is a blossoming witch who is heartbroken and tries to do a spell to have her will be done so she can make her heartache go away. But the spell backfires and leaves everything hilarious. I absolutely love it. Well now i think i have devolped carpal tunnel syndrome and must go to bed, or at the very least try.

Success

2006-09-26T01:31:00.000-05:00

Finally I've finished this. It took me forever just like i knew it would. Not because the actual process was difficult at all, this was actually very simple, i just had to go and make it more difficult than it needed to be. Tomorrow i shall have fun fleshing this out and making it mine. Goodnight for now, tis way too late and i must be up early (ugh).